Tuesday, May 6, 2014

One Full Year

It has been one full year since Graham and I separated, and life has kind of come around full circle.

It's been interesting going through my old blogs during the hardest time of my life. I'm sure some people thought I was crazy blogging about such personal events, but it was really therapeutic and it has a good reminder of the hell I've been through.. the tears, the disappointment, fear, jealousy.. you name it.. I felt it.

I remember going through the first few months of our separation, I was set on divorce as practically the only option. I had a date set in my mind: May 2014.. The time that it'd be official. This was also the date that Graham would've initially graduated from college, so it was symbolic in a way. But then, as the months went on, my thoughts and feelings changed about my options and future. I mean, I committed to this guy for eternity, right.. through thick and thin, better and worse.. no matter how fundamentally flawed he is.

But something I've come to realize myself is that I'm just as flawed as he is.. just in different ways. I can't expect perfection from him when I can't do the same. Just because someone's sins and imperfections are more obvious than someone else's doesn't make them a worse person. Anxiety and depression are very real to me. Just because I don't suffer from a mental illness doesn't mean I can't try to understand my husband better, and at least try to relate to him.

Anyways, Graham has been back for almost five months now.. And although there have been some major bumps along the way, there has been much joy as well. Anxiety (for both of us)--yes. Fear--yes. Frustration--yes. Happiness--yes. It honestly makes me cry to think of our family apart.. how close we almost came to losing everything. There is such a huge difference in Carter's countenance when we are all together, especially since we flip-flop Carter during the days and evenings. He is so much happier.

Even though things can be hard sometimes, we can always find joy and happiness in our struggles. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is real. Every pain, every fear, every trial, every weakness.. can be made better through Him. When people ask me how I got through this, I honestly have no idea. I'm pretty sure the only way I was able to get through last year is because He carried me along the way. For those of you that don't have the same beliefs as me, you know what power and strength it gives you to have faith in a higher power.. to know that there's a greater purpose.. and to know that there's someone who cares about me more than I could imagine.

So yeah, it has been quite the eventful year. I've gained friends, lost friends, joined a gym, learned more about myself, gone on vacation with a toddler solo multiple times on a plane, and gained a greater appreciation for forgiveness and marriage. Can't say I'd like to re-live this year ever again.

And if you're not familiar with my saga: here are some of the links to previous blog posts.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13.

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