Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Sometimes you just need to cry

Carter is down with Graham for the holiday and long weekend, so I have some alone time. I always feel more vulnerable and emotional when I'm completely alone at home.

So, Carter's horse story made me tear up a little bit last week.. but I really haven't cried a lot in some time. I've felt a little numb at times, but not tearful. Last Friday though, I broke down. You know, I've read articles about how Facebook can make your life seem more lame and boring, and how you can always be comparing your life to others, especially since you tend to browse Facebook when you're bored. So, I was Facebook-ing late at night alone, looking at pictures of friends' happy families, wedding or anniversary announcements, comparing my life to others, and I burst into tears. Tears of frustration, anger, loneliness, despair came pouring out of me, and I tried to bury my face into my mattress just to stop the tears. Eventually, I was able to calm down and realize that my life is not actually terrible, just temporarily awful.

So, today, I dropped off Carter at Graham's house, which definitely made me sad. I barely got any sleep last night, and I'm getting a cold, so my emotional fuse was short. I had no patience, no empathy, and definitely was quick to anger. Anyways, I was in the gym's locker room after a workout, and I burst into tears just thinking about Carter. Carter is honestly the sweetest, most easygoing, just the best kid I've ever met.. and I have the opportunity to be his mom! But, I just fear that we are damaging this precious little spirit we were sent. Not only does Carter want his daddy back, but Carter really wants his mom and dad together. Carter tells me stories about animals missing their daddies, while he tells Graham stories (when he's visiting at his house) about mom and dad animals being together. When Graham came and visited last weekend, he came and kissed me on the cheek in the kitchen. Carter was sitting at the table, eating his breakfast, while his eyes were completely fixed on us with just the biggest and happiest smile on his face. It just breaks my heart that it has to be this way.

Here's us at the beach..
And, here's my most favorite picture of father and son.


Shannon said...

I feel guilty about stuff all the time as a mom, so I'm sure this is like that times a hundred. I'm so sorry. I hope you are able to give yourself a break. You are doing the best you can under the circumstances and Carter will be ok. He has lots of people who love him and will always be there for him.

Also the beach pics are adorable. Hugs!!!

Andrea Vincent said...

I have just spent the last hour reading all your past blogs and I am so sad for you guys. I really admire your honesty and bravery with sharing what you are going through. I hope you are able to find some peace in this situation and that things will work out best for all of you.

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