Mortifying Myself #2: Building my self-esteem

So, I was pretty insecure as a teenager, as many girls were. This has remained with me even throughout adulthood. Anyways, my junior high years were rough because I never felt like boys liked me, even though I did have a "boyfriend" at a different junior high in the area in 8th grade. So, in high school, I got a little more attention from boys, especially since I was a cheerleader (probably what I'd been hoping for). Every time I thought a boy was looking at me, or thought I was cute, I would write about it in my journal. That's how important it was to my self-esteem. I became friends with an older boy who played basketball on the varsity team, so we talked a lot and he would tell me some of these things..

Me at 15-16 years old:

2~8~1998
"Well, Friday nite, I found out more guys think I'm cute than I thought. Tom and Josh do, and so does Keith (since he always stares at me) and so does Peter.. (Ben probably does too, because he looks at me too.)"

2~12~1998
"Several guys on the varsity basketball think I'm cute, and I think I will be a babe when I'm older. Boy, I can't wait!"

2~14~1998
"He said he, Keith, and Ryan were talking about me at the basketball game. They were talking about how nice a body I have, and how great it will be when I get old. He said I was 'well made'."

3~7~1998
"Well Sadie Hawkins [a girl-ask-boy dance] was last night. Everybody else was excited, except for me. I didn't wanna dance w/ Doug! I ditched him on a couple of songs. Rian kept trying to freak with me and stuff, and I did for not very long, and I think Doug saw us. Maybe that should be a hint Doug!...All of the seniors said hi to me tonight. I just attract the older guys! Also, I didn't get to dance with Ben, so that was pretty bad. But, Aaron pinched my butt and I think Dustin likes me, so, Gottsta go. C-ya."

3~13~1998
"Well, I have found some more guys who think I'm cute, Doug ___,baby! He is such a babe!"

4~17~1998
"P.S. Josh said he doesn't like me; we are just friends. That doesn't mean he doesn't want me!"

5~25~1998
"I can't believe my freshman year is over!! I liked being a freshman. The year has gone by so fast!! The best part was the 2nd half, when I realized I was cute, and people would like me if they could."

Anyways, that's all I will torture myself with right now. You get the idea: I was obsessed with boys, and learning that I am actually attractive to the opposite sex.

Next installment: learning how to flirt as an awkward teenage girl.

As Promised: My First Vlog Ever (#1 Mortifying Myself Vlog Series)

As previously promised, here is my first vlog in my Mortifying Myself series. This is just an entry that kind of illustrates how I felt about writing about my feelings and events. I thought it was a good introduction to the rest of my journal entries.

Just a heads up. It's not a great quality video. It's with my old webcam with me just sitting at my computer desk. Also, I'm not used to looking straight at the camera so I kept looking at the screen at the image of my striking face (haha--yeah right). Anyways, I plan on doing this again over the next month or so for another random journal entry. I have a kind of funny one about my first boyfriend, my first kiss, and a memorable date in college. What do you guys think? Any requests?

Here's the vlog:

I really love the thumbnail YouTube chose.

Journal update

So, I spent ALL of Friday night typing up old journal entries that I thought were funny or interesting enough to put on future blogs. I was at the computer for over four hours typing this crap up. Hopefully, it'll be worth it! Some of the categories I'm thinking about writing about include the following:

• Flirting
• Attracting the opposite sex
• Self-reflection
• Marriage
• What I want in a guy
• Personality traits
• "Positive" self-talk
• Physical intimacy (this one is a little sketchy.. I've had to edit and cut a lot of things out)
• First date(s) and first kiss

Is there anything else I should include? Any topics that you guys would like to hear about? First love? Spiritual stuff? College stuff?

So, I also did a trial run of a vlog of a journal entry about a date I had, just to see how it'd turn out, even though I didn't shower this morning and I'm dressed in junk clothes.

This pretty much illustrates it:

And, if you don't know me very well, you wouldn't know I have a very expressive face. I was cracking up watching myself talk because I pull some weird facial expressions.

Mortifying Myself

So, like I said, I might do a regular installment on my blog with some excerpts from my old journal entries.

I can't find my journal from elementary school and junior high, so these journal entries start in 9th grade when I was 15 years old. This was in January 1998. And honestly, if you read my journal from high school, you would have NO idea what kind of person I was. I was an honors student, a cheerleader, active church goer, sister, youth cheerleading coach, and good friend. Would you know any of that by reading these journal entries about endless names of boys, boys, and more boys? No. Ugh. So, here is 15 year-old me in all my teenage awkwardness. As my friend Hila said, this is wonderful, cringe-inducing awesomeness.

Here's not a bad picture of me from freshman year with my date and ex "boyfriend", Jack. I am almost 15 in this picture.

I'm going to start out with an entry about my freshman year crush named Ben. He was a tall boy that played basketball that was in my geometry class. He might have thought I was cute, but we definitely did not go on a date or out together at any point in time. Although, as I recollect our relationship, he was one of the boys who called me Mrs. Ed and wrote about my teeth in my senior yearbook. This is taken word for word, just to show you my thought process as a teen girl.

"Well, Ben is still my boyfriend.. and I love him as much as ever. Everyone on the internet loves me, so why can't Ben? We're good enough friends, we know each other, I'm not ugly, etc... I guess some things are just not meant to be. That sux in my case. I really love Ben, zits and all. He is so cute when I look at him. When other people look at him, they probably just see a big, nice, friendly guy. That's how I used to see him. Now, I see the real him: GREAT personality, cute, sweet, everything I have wanted in a guy. I think he is one of the most perfect boyfriends you could have, and he even won't try to take advantage of you. Cool! He's my kinda guy. Well, I've been thinking: I wanna get married to Eric (not ___) b-cuz he is so nice and cute! Well, gottsta go. C-ya."

The reason why I took this one word for word is to show you how shallow my entries are, and just how quickly I went from Ben to Eric (who I don't even remember) in the same entry. Also, see my online speak, such as b-cuz, gottsta, and c-ya. And can we also call attention to the comment about the people on the internet? This was in the time of AOL and Instant Messenger, and I had online "friends". In fact, I talked to many of the guys I mention on my journal on AIM.

Next up on my Mortifying Myself section: learning if I was actually attractive to the opposite sex or not.

"I don't like being sweet 16 and never been kissed! So come to me Brian!"