Just Life

I know I have a couple of regulars who check here every now and then, but I don't really post that much. So, this one is for you! (And hello to some of you who may have wandered from my home building posts.) Warning: this is a pretty random post.

--Our lives are pretty stable right now. Carter is playing youth sports, Sadie is going to start her first dance lessons, and I'm still working full-time.

--Graham has been working hard on a project at work. In fact, he recently got a huge bonus for his hard work. He is applying for a new position that will allow him to work on this project long-term (fingers crossed).

--Yeah, that huge bonus I mentioned? Spent. We just bought Leaf Guard gutters. That is expenssssive. But, where we live with all the trees and rain--we needed them desperately.

--I'll do an update on our new house, but I do have one recommendation: don't get Samsung appliances. Our dishwasher was already replaced in less than one year.

--Social anxiety. Do you have it? I do, and always have. I could literally write a whole blog post about this...

Using technology makes it better, but I can sit and analyze every comment and text message that I have written for hours. I will also STILL cringe about things that I have said over a decade ago. I not only replay past conversations in my head, but I will constantly prepare myself for future conversations and think of multiple scenarios and possible things to say in every day life. It's mentally exhausting thinking of every thing a person might say and what I would say in response, but hey.. that's what social anxiety is to me.

--Does this give me mom butt? I bought a new pair of pants and literally stared at my butt in the mirror for about 10 minutes. Normally I can make up my mind pretty quick, but this pair of pants had me stumped. I had to wait until Graham got home to help me decide. Seeing that my age is creeping up closer to 40, I must avoid mom butt as much as possible.

--Workouts and exercise. I'm on the "don't miss a day" schedule. Even when I was sick, I got my butt up at 5:30 AM and exercised. It's one of the beauties of working out at home. I also did a barre-style workout one day at work. I thought it wouldn't be too noticeable, but I was freaking sweaty by the time I was done. I am feeling good because I can finally fit into my pre-Sadie pants (my pre-Carter pants are too big). I can also feel and see some good muscle changes happening in my legs, booty, and arms from adding more barre workouts in my life.

Anyways, here's my most recent progress pictures (comparing April to August):

Look, a little bit of muscle definition!

--Youth sports. Carter is playing soccer again. He is somewhat athletic, but he is not aggressive. He is learning some skills, but you can't teach someone how to be aggressive. I just don't foresee team sports like this in his future. We tried gymnastics, and while he is athletic and could hold a handstand longer than any boy or girl in the class, he could still barely do a cartwheel after 4-5 months. So, we will try taekwondo and maybe even rock climbing at the local Y when soccer is done...

--Lash extensions. I have had them sporadically in the past, but they cost too much to maintain. I love the convenience of waking up and looking good, but I didn't have the extra money to keep it up. However, this summer, I decided to try them again. I found a good deal on Groupon, and I've been getting them filled every 3 weeks. I love the length and look of them, but with my makeup addiction, I find them to be annoying. My eyeliner and eye shadow both get gunked up in the lashes. So, if you are an eye shadow addict like me, lash extensions may not be for you.

--Makeup. My purchases have slowed down a lot. I have too many eyeshadows to use them all in a realistic time frame. I keep up on my standard products, such as foundation, powders, etc, and I've invested in a couple more items that I love. If you want an update on my favorite makeup products, let me know.

Natural Disposition

Get ready for one random blog post. Graham has now started working double shifts on Fridays, which means he works from 3 PM - 8 AM. It is nice for us because he is now practically full-time, but is only gone 4 nights a week. But it also means that I'm alone all Friday nights with things to ponder (total flashback to Zoolander here).. And so, I've felt particularly inspired to blog tonight. Yes, I know not many people really follow my blogs with much anticipation, but I still really like to write about my thoughts, feelings, and my normal life activities. It provides a nice outlet. However, I won't be writing too long tonight because I just started a new book (The Giver, if you're interested).

Speaking of providing an outlet for expression, has anybody heard of the documentary and movement called "Mortified Nation"? It's where people stand up in front of strangers and read old journal entries from their childhood. Now I have some pretty embarrassing journal entries from childhood and my teen years. This documentary inspired me to read some of my old journals. Should I post some excerpts of previous journal entries? What do you think? Do you think it'd be fun to read?

Anyways, I felt inspired to write tonight after mine and Carter's visit to the park tonight. This is an interesting park because there's a diverse socioeconomic population of children and families that play at the park. So, there's some pretty good people watching going on there. For example, there was a group of goth teens, a political fundraiser with elderly people, and a couple of young families. There was a single dad there with his two boys. The younger boy was maybe 4 or 5 years old, and was sitting in one of the swings that is for babies and young kids. He was stuck and no one was pushing him, so he kept repeating, "shit shit shit". I was dying inside, trying not to crack up, and a little glad that it wasn't my kid cursing like a sailor at the park. Anyways, there was a little 2 or 3 year old kid just crying at the side of the park. Carter took notice, and approached him a couple of times to see if he was ok. I was honestly so proud inside of my little, empathetic, observant boy. I got a little teary-eyed just thinking about my sweet boy. He was the only kid at the park who noticed this sad little boy, and tried to help him. It was just a natural instinct in him.

This got me thinking about Carter's natural disposition. Since birth, he has a been a fairly easygoing child with a sweet disposition. Every where Carter goes, people always tell me what an awesome, well-behaved, mild-mannered child he is. I tell them that he's just naturally this way. He is cautious, kind of like me, and empathetic and sweet, like Graham. He apparently helps others without being asked, which is like both of us. How much of what characteristics does he have that are inborn versus learned behaviors? Are children born to be a certain way, and as parents, we just need to do our best to not screw them up? I am unbelievably lucky to be Carter's mom, and I think of it every day. Sometimes I am just inexplicably filled with joy and gratitude when I just look at him or when he says something adorable (which is often). It's always nice to get reminders of how blessed I am.

I am in very dangerous territory right now. I am looking at old family pictures on the computer, and I'm getting more baby hungry by the moment. Can we take just a second to appreciate these photos while I go cry myself to sleep because my baby boy is way too grown up??

I only posted this one because it's a reminder of how far I've come with weight loss. This is obviously before I lost any weight. Yikes!!

Yeah, about that...

I am left alone for the weekend again. Carter and Graham went down to Portland for his brother's baby blessing this morning, but I had to work today and tomorrow. So, I'm bored and watching Hulu all by myself tonight, and I felt inspired to blog.

I guess I feel like I don't really have much to blog about, just some random things. So, I'll do one of my old-fashioned mind dumps.

1) We just got back from a road trip to my hometown in California. It's about 800 miles to my parent's house, so we drove through the night on the way there so Carter would sleep through the night.  We listened to an audiobook of Divergent on the way down while he slept. It worked out really well, but neither Graham nor I slept very well in the car. We were BEAT when we got to their house. Let's just say I slept very well the whole time we were there because I was making up for the lack of sleep. We didn't do anything big, we just played in the pool (my mom got Carter shark fin floaties--he loved them and swam all over the pool in them), played with cousins, and shopped a little bit (I found an awesome swim cover-up dress from Athleta). Can I just mention really quick how great Carter was? Seriously, this kid is such a blessing. He's so easygoing and mild-mannered, and yet adorable and hilarious. He was amazing on the drive home (he only slept for a little bit on the way). He had a little LeapFrog reader, some trucks, and some other random toys, but he mostly sat there in silence, looking at the window. He didn't complain and only had to go potty quickly once. I guess this means we can take more road trips if he's going to be so awesome!

2) Speaking of swim dresses.. Guess who's going to Hawaii in October?? We are! My parents have a timeshare on Oahu, and we are going for a full week with them and my sister. We are so excited. We haven't been on a real vacation since our honeymoon to Kauai in 2008. But now, Graham will probably have to work Thanksgiving in exchange for not working a full week in October.

3) I hosted a girl's night a couple of weeks ago with some friends. We were trying to think of ideas, including going shopping, hiking, eating at the Melting Pot, mani/pedis, etc, and I volunteered to host a fondue night to save money. Not thinking it all the way through, I chose to make a traditional Swiss fondue (with a white wine base). I only realized this mistake when the ladies asked me for the recipe. Number one ooops: I didn't ask if they'd be ok with having white wine base (we're all Mormon and don't drink alcohol). The cheese fondues at Melting Pot all have an alcoholic beverage in it, so I didn't think anything of it. Number two ooops: one of my friends is pregnant and shouldn't consume alcohol (the alcohol doesn't all cook out, sorry). Yeah, I felt like an idiot...

4) I am really loving my barre-style workouts right now. I downloaded the Barre3 app on my phone for like $5, and they have free 10-minute workout videos available on the app. I've been picking and choosing different little sections for do a 60-70 minute workout, and it's been nice to kind of switch up the routine a little bit.

5) Work is going to be kind of crazy this summer. First of all,one of my co-workers is getting married and got another job in Seattle. Friday was her last day. Ordinarily, it wouldn't be too terrible, but my other co-worker is on vacation this next week. So, I will be working by myself for 4 days next week. Super excited. Plus, our hospital is getting a new electronic medical record system in like 3 weeks. so, double suck. Short staffed and new system=recipe for disaster. But, the silver lining is that I don't have to work any more weekends this summer unless I get called in. Woohoo!

6) Some newer beauty products I've tried is a men's shaving cream from Sephora and a body wash gel from LUSH. The shaving cream is the bomb. I mean seriously, Graham's face stays soft for 2 days when he uses it, when normally his beard is all scratchy by the end of day 1. So, I had to try it myself, and it works wonders on me too! This means less shaving, softer skin, and less overall product used. The body wash I got is in a citrus scent and it really helps wake me up and feel fresh in the morning. I would highly recommend it, but my favorite one is still Foam Call wash from Sephora. That one is my favorite scent ever and I feel like it's really moisturizing.

7) My mom totally spoiled me when I visited her. She surprised me with eyelash extensions! They're a little more fragile than the ones I got for my 30th birthday, but they're lovely. I'll have to take a picture and post it on Instagram.

8) Carter's personality is really like a mini-me. He's kind of a contrarian sometimes and likes to argue just to go against the flow. For example, I would not wear flip flops in high school because everybody else did, and everyone wore the ones from Old Navy. I think I got a pair from J.Crew literally the week after I graduated. Anyways, my mom was talking to Carter about making good choices in life and to CTR ("choose the right" she explained), when he responded with "No, I C-L. I Choose the Left." He really is clever, that one.

Anyways, we don't have anything really planned over the next month, so who knows what the heck I'll blog about. I mean, I shouldn't complain about my life not being eventful. I've definitely had enough fodder over the past year to keep my blog entries plentiful.

Insecurities

All right, so I've been putting off this blog for a while.. Not because I've been too busy, but because I've been thinking about how I want to word this blog. I've also been exhausted from work (this flu season has been CRAZY at the hospital). So, I apologize for the lapse of time between my last blog and this one.

Graham and I were talking about our insecurities recently, and that many of our lives' problems stem from these. Graham's main one is that he wants people to think he's a good guy, and that he wants people to think only good things about him.

My insecurities are that I'm not enough.

I'm not thin enough

I'm not pretty enough

I'm not smart enough

Part of this comes from my parents' obsession with weight growing up (sorry mom). My mom and dad often focused on losing weight, being healthy, and eating healthy food when I was young, and even now. I can't blame this on my parents though, although this obsession with weight and health did contribute partly to my insecurity about myself. I was always self-conscious about the way I am or the way I look, even when I was young. If you read my journal from early on, I was always focused on which boys liked me, didn't like me, or how few friends I had. I was one of the smart kids in class, and one of my journal entries when I was only 12 years old focused on the fact that nobody called me unless it was a question about homework. I was overly concerned about my appearance, whether or not it was regarding my social status or my looks.

I was obsessed about boys even from an early age, and I even had a few "boyfriends" in elementary school. However, in junior high, the awkward social times and awkward looks hit. I had braces, a long face, and lots of freckles. I liken my junior high face to Butthead (as in Beavis and Butthead). I had a huge crush on a boy in junior high, who didn't even know I was alive until someone told him that I had a crush on him. When a girl from church asked him if he liked me, he replied, "hell no!". And, that's when my complete and utter insecurity about my attractiveness to the opposite sex began. When I got my braces off in 8th grade, I immediately felt more pretty, but some boys in my classes (including one I had a crush on) started calling me "Mrs. Ed" (as in Mr. Ed, the HORSE), and saying "it's all in the teeth" (meaning I had big teeth and a long horse-face). Man, this is all sounding extremely terrible when explained all at once. The "Mrs. Ed" and "it's all in the teeth" comments continued periodically throughout high school. In fact, one of the boys actually wrote it in my senior year high school yearbook. Even though I was a cheerleader, I wasn't popular, but I had my own group of friends. I was in all of the honors and AP classes, and I participated in weekly church activities, but I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. I had a boyfriend my junior year of high school, but that was the only year where I actually got asked to a dance.

So, from all of these years (very formative years, mind you) of insecurity, I still have issues about being attractive to the opposite sex. Even though I'm married, it's still a struggle for me. When I was younger, if some boy even showed a minor interest in me, I would definitely take note and they were more attractive to me.. just because I thought they might like me. Kind of ridiculous. Eventually, I grew into my long face and it filled out a little, and I think I've definitely gotten more pretty as I've gotten older. But, these insecurities remain, even after all these years. It's especially evident when I go back home. When I go back to Folsom, I feel like I return to my old, insecure, high school self. Now that I'm up here in Washington, I feel like I've made a name and home for myself, no matter my history. Obviously, with my recent foray into fitness and beauty, I've become a bit more obsessed with my appearance, which may or may not help with my insecurities. I can only hope that one day I will be less concerned about my outward appearance and more concerned about who I am on the inside, no matter how cheesy that sounds..

And now, for your viewing pleasure.. some awkward pictures of myself growing up. I had a lot of fun picking some of these out.. previously unpublished on Facebook or anywhere else!

Look what my school district gave me when I graduated high school. Adorable, right? I mean, a big gap between your two front teeth and freckles are cute only when you're 10 years old.

 Oh, the braces..

Me and my best friend, Heather, in 8th grade after I got the braces off. Can I go back in time and remove the white eyeliner and copper lip gloss? Oh, and in case you were wondering, we were wearing tank tops, but they're hard to see. You would not believe the rumors that went around our school..

 Freshman year homecoming dance. Not fun.

Junior year of high school, when I used to rock lighter hair.

My first day in my college dorm.

My last day at BYU!

Me now.. flirty, 30, and thriving..?

FYI, this post is not a "pity me" or "compliment me" post. It's just a big part of who I am and why I am the way I am.

What do you reminisce about?

I just got caught up in a bout of nostalgia... at work.

I was looking at BYU football's win-loss record, and I clicked on the school website. I haven't been to the BYU website in years.. since I swore off Blackboard and Provo forever in April of 2006.

I was immediately hit with nervousness and excitement.. the same emotions I felt when I was applying to BYU, after I was accepted, and all of the details after. I thought of the first email I got from my dorm roommate Amber, all of the letters in the mail from BYU about potential majors, dining plans, etc.

In that moment, I actually MISSED college.. BYU... the dorms.. the whole bit! Me! The cynical single gal who couldn't wait to leave Provo.

But.. what I think I actually missed was the excitement about a new adventure in life.. The possibility that anything and everything was going to happen in the next couple of years. I think the general thought for me was that my potential HUSBAND could be walking around the corner any second now.. (Remember why I went to BYU.)

Then I started to think about what I often reminisce about:
--Engagement times.. pre-wedding, all of the planning.. so exciting!
--Cheerleading.. the fun, the skirts, the drama..
--College life. Stay up late, skip class sometimes, no real responsibility.
--Shopping trips at the mall with no husband (no guilt!)
--Vacations.. cruises..
--Pre-real life.

Real life is EXPENSIVE. Real life doesn't provide you with the feeling of new prospects around every corner (at least mine doesn't). Work is work. I guess I like the excitement of new things... which in the future can include children, buying a home, and...?

So, what are some of your favorite pasttimes you look back on and enjoy?

It's a mythological bird.. GOSH

I just got back last night from another conference.. this time it was in Phoenix.. if you couldn't tell by the title. I don't have any real news, just general thoughts:

--Don't you love the smell of stale cologne plus BO? This guy sitting next to me on my flight home last night smelled like that. It made me think of being 14 years-old at youth church dances, especially those "Mineshaft" dances (you Sacramento-ans know what I'm talking about). I should've listened to "Cotton eye joe" or Deanna Carter's "Strawberry Wine" for a total youth dance throwback experience.
--I just worked (ok I'm still "working" technically) my first 10-hour day.. and it hasn't been too bad, even with only <6 align="center">How can I be so far from these kids?

I guess that's what I get for living so far away. Anyways, time's up. Adios.

Bored

Ok, so I have a bunch of random things to talk about, so I'm about to give you all a glimpse of what's been going on in my head.

--I love diet soda. I used to occasionally drink regular Dr. Pepper or Pepsi, but the occasional drink soon turned into a bi- or tri-weekly event. So, I've been trying to see how long I can go without regular soda. I went without one for a week and a half, and I caved yesterday and had some Pibb Extra. It was way too sugary for me, so I'm even more appreciative of my 24-pack of Diet Pepsi at home.
--Speaking of being appreciative.. how many of you have ever had to live without something you consider to be essential.. like a dishwasher, garbage disposal or a washer/dryer? Anyways, I've had all of those things my whole life, so I've always taken them for granted.. But after living in crazytown apartment complex for 8 months without all of those things and moving to our condo WITH all of those things, I am totally grateful (and "seriously so blessed!!") to have those things. I wanted to cry when I turned on the garbage disposal.
--Speaking of being seriously so blessed, I am obsessed with that blog. It makes fun of newlywed Mormon blogs, and I love it. I wish the anonymous author would post more than once a day. I've been bored this week.. so I've randomly surfed blogs, and most of the Mormon blogs I read are just like it, only real. It makes me laugh.
--Speaking of Mormons.. I have this Mormon hymn CD in which all of the hymns are instrumental that I listen to sometimes... and I love it. I know it's totally unlike me, but it soothes my soul and has helped me through stressful times.
--Speaking of stressful times... We are low low low on money. We have not been paid in over 3 weeks, just got back from vacation, had to pay our 1st month's rent + a large security deposit, and are living by our very last dollar. I expected to get my sign-on bonus on Wednesday, but it's not coming for another week or two. SUCK. So, we are trying to be extremely cheap... Examples: I'm making homemade tortillas tonight instead of buying a pack. I took a couple free apples from Employee Health at the hospital. We drove an hour home from Seattle yesterday instead of taking the ferry to save a couple of bucks. We only walked around Seattle--no purchases except our lunch. Usually such long and extended window shopping for me would result in some kind of impulse purchase, so I'm really proud. I actually had a lot of fun just window shopping with Graham.
--Speaking of being cheap, we are jacking our neighbor's wireless internet until someone notices.. or until we get a virus or something. We also just had our dish satellite installed today (no payments for a month!) and found out that we have had cable THE WHOLE TIME. We were GOING CRAZY from having nothing to do and being home all day and we had cable all along! Damnit! (Sorry--it deserves a swear word.)
--Speaking of swearing.. I despise Northwest drivers! I know that everyone will complain about drivers wherever they live, but it's different here. They apparently are so relaxed that they are content with driving 5 mph BELOW the speed limit!! I don't know about you, but the speed limit is just the bargaining point for speeding. 55 mph on a highway means >60 mph.
--Speaking of the Northwest, we are so spoiled here with the summer weather. It's been between 70-85 degrees here and absoutely beautiful. We don't even need the a/c or house fans! I better enjoy it while I can before the rains come. Boo.
--Speaking of beautiful.. I got complimented the other day that I have beautiful dimples. Isn't that weird? They are a muscle indentation in my cheek. Maybe she meant I have a beautiful smile? I don't know.. Dimples make me either look younger or like a Cabbage Patch Doll. I've also gotten lately that I look really young. A pedicurist thought I was 16-18 years old, and my landlord asked me how I old I was when I said I was married. Do I really look THAT young?

Anyways, I start my first real job on Monday! I'm excited/nervous/scared... and I hate to admit it, but I really don't want to work full-time, but hey.. what can you do?

Currently unemployed

Ok, so I've never been in this position before.. where I officially have nothing to do and nothing that I "should" be working on.. And I'm BORED already.

--How do you spend the hours of your day?

I've been applying for jobs, but have only heard back from ones that require more than one year experience. Apparently, having a master's degree only counts for ONE-YEAR of experience for jobs. I was starting to get really ticked off because this practically puts me at the same level as a recent internship graduate with no higher degree and no experience. Ok, so getting a master's isn't exactly experience, but it means a couple of things.. 1) I'm smart (no conceit there), 2) I'm dedicated, 3) I have plenty of self-directed work experience, and 4) I have student loans I need to pay off.

Really, I think a higher degree should count as 2 years experience.. otherwise, how am I supposed to get a job without experience? And, does the compensation match the "level" of experience? Anyways, I'm not snobbish about having a master's.. I just want a good job and to really get a good monetary return on my investment. ARGH.

So yeah, I don't have much to do during the day, besides applying and looking for jobs.. I've already done all of the filing in the house.. I worked out for 2 hours today, and I tanned. I also made cookies for a church activity.

--Question: Do any of you recommend a certain workout video? I think I need to vary my routine.

All right.. that's it. There is NOTHING good on TV and Graham is playing basketball. Boo.

It's in the mail..

So, I've pretty much been working on statistics for my thesis for about 6 hours straight, and I desperately need a break. I'm deciding to do a mind dump and let you know about all the silly things that have been bothering me lately.

--There is a girl in the stats lab who won't stop talking, but she's quiet, so it's like murmuring, you know.. It annoyed me right off, and I didn't quite know why. Then... I suddenly realized that her voice sounds exactly like mine (at least.. the way I hear it recorded on anything). Is anyone else annoyed by the way their voice must sound to other people?

--There are these Russian/East European teenagers who hang out in a bike shelter in our apartment complex, smoking cigarettes and drinking beer and hard alcohol. Graham has kicked them out many times (they don't live in our complex), but they keep coming back. I discovered some really "cool" graffiti in the bike shelter.. Like a spray-prainted tank, someone's name (Ben), and a phrase that Graham and I constantly use: "Brathers for f--king life". Brathers huh? Do you think they just don't know how to spell, or that they like spelling it the way the pronounce "brothers"? Either way, I love saying it with a bad Russian accent. Also, early Saturday morning (around 6:00AM), the same hooligans were parked outside our building blasting music in their car. They stayed there for at least an hour, blasting crappy ol Euro-rap (I assume that's what the listen to), and preventing my good Saturday morning sleep-in. Graham and I did nothing, but we both had dreams we went out there and yelled at them. My dreams were filled with curse words.

--Speaking of dreams, I dreamed I lived in South Park this morning. Random huh?

--My thesis defense is 5 weeks from tomorrow. Is that not insane?? This will be one of the biggest events in my lifetime, and I'm not really that nervous yet.. Give it time.. give it time.

--This morning, I had to sear stew meat in some oil before putting it in the slow cooker. I stupidly put the meat in all at once, and managed not only to burn the crap out of my hands, but splatter hot oil all over my shirt, most likely ruining it. Sweet.

--I am very competitive. Graham and I are in a card-playing tournament with his brother and wife. It's fun because Graham's brother is super-competitive, but his wife is not. Therefore, I'm more inclined to play better than his wife because I want to win.

--Don't buy cheap ice cream. Graham (who should never shop alone apparently) was at WinCo and noticed the $3 gallon-sized container of vanilla. "What the hey?" he thought, and brought it home. Personally, I don't like icicles in my ice cream, nor do I like ice cream to taste like water, but Graham didn't know that cheap ice cream=ice, no cream. Sick.

--What is creepier to you? Ultrasounds posted on facebook, or constant picture updates of a growing "bun in the oven" belly on facebook?

--Graham's 18-year old cousin doesn't want to go to college.. at all. She's not a bum, or an idiot, just um.. lazy? Or just wants to get married? She said, "my mom didn't go to college". Well hon.. times are changin. I didn't know how to respond. I never even considered NOT going to college. Maybe it's just me.

Ok kids.. I think I'll work a bit more on my thesis and then head home. Btw, we FINALLY have the internet at home!!! For FREE! Yay!