And so the next chapter of my life begins..
My mom is still staying with me this week, but she leaves Wednesday night. The dust hasn't settled yet, and neither has reality. I still feel a little bit numb on the inside, but raw on the edges. Don't worry, I've only burst into tears once so far today, and it was alone in my office.
First things first.. I am staying here in Washington. My lease is up June 1st, so I started freaking out about it. I was going to try to get a month-to-month lease, but my property management company wasn't being too obliging. So after my mom and I examined my finances, we saw that I could stay here and make it on my own without having to move back to California and rely on family for rent/daycare. Also, there is not a single full-time Dietitian job available in Sacramento, so that wasn't looking good. I immediately felt peace when I decided I was going to stay (at least for another year or more), so that was a huge relief.
Carter will be staying in his daycare. His tuition is going down next month, so that'll be another $80 per month saved. Carter has been doing awesome with my mom. He's been his normal, happy self, and seems to be adjusting well so far. He's only asked for his daddy a couple of times, so it hasn't burned too much to hear him say it. He has told me that he'll make his daddy better by getting him medicine, and by putting a band-aid on his foot.. and that just broke my heart right there with his simple innocence.
I have the most amazing support from family and friends. Honestly, I had no idea that I had so many people in my corner. I've received lots of messages and texts from people that I didn't think even cared about me, so it's been a blessing. I've felt like my sister and I have been able to repair our relationship and get close again. Luckily, she turned down a job in San Francisco to stay here with me. My parents and brothers have been there with overwhelming support. I will never be able to repay them emotionally or financially. My friends at work and here in WA have been amazing as well. My co-worker even offered her mother-in-law apartment if I needed a place to stay.
Anyways, Graham has started therapy and will hopefully be able to re-enroll in school down in Portland in the fall. No matter what happens, I hope he can be successful in his endeavors, so he can be there for Carter as a positive male role model. He is staying with his parents and looking for jobs down there.
Carter and I are trying to fill our summer with fun activities and stuff to do outside the house. We are signing up at the Y for swimming lessons and other activities. We are planning a vacation to San Diego in August, and possibly down to Disneyland for his birthday. Carter's daycare is closed for a week in July, so I think I'll let Graham's family take him to Idaho for their family's reunion that week.
I went to church yesterday, but it almost felt too soon. I started crying during the first hymn. I don't like other people to see me as being vulnerable or emotional, so it was terrible. Next Sunday may be worse because my mom won't be there. We'll see how it goes. I know that the women are trying to be nice to include me, but it's almost insulting because they've been told to do so. Plus, I am a WORKING MOM. I CANNOT ATTEND DAYTIME PLAYGROUP!!! But, that's besides the point.
So if you are still reading this, please pray for us. Please keep us in your thoughts.
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