Monday, June 10, 2013

With or Without You

There is no hope unmingled with fear, and no fear unmingled with hope.
Baruch Spinoza

I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.
Rosa Parks

There are times when fear is good. It must keep its watchful place at the heart's controls.
Aeschylus
If you can guess what my topic is today, it's fear. And as the title suggests, my fear for the future. As I am not ready to make any long-term decisions now, this decision I need to make will happen in the future (but definitely not in 2013). As I see it, I have two choices: stay with Graham or leave Graham. And both of these choices scare the crap out of me.

If I stay with Graham, there is the fear that something like this will happen again.. that his depression will hit an even deeper low. That something horrible will happen to our family when our kids are old enough to remember it. That I'll never have the family life I thought we'd have. That my life's calling is to be my husband's monitor, therapist, and babysitter.

Sure, there are the good things.. Graham is a great dad, he loves me and tells me that every day, our shared sense of humor and good relationship (lies aside), and that I know what I'm getting in to..

If I leave Graham, there is the fear of being alone for a long time.. that I won't find someone else.. that I'll find someone else with just as many problems (same or different) or baggage.. that Carter will never have a permanent good father figure in his life.. that I'll never find another man who has all of Graham's good qualities, and none of his bad ones.

Eventually, I'll need to face this fear head on, but honestly, even that scares me. But, don't worry.. I am giving myself ample time to make this decision. I fully believe that I have the capability of making a rational decision when the time is right.

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