Cynical Sherri

So, before I met Graham, I was pretty sarcastic. Often, my sense of humor wasn't well-received with people who didn't know me well. Once I met Graham, he made me happy. So, I became less sarcastic, less cynical, and more goofy.

Now, I feel my old ways returning.

Example:
Graham told me that some of his family members may be contacting me, with some encouraging words, like, "God loves you", or "hang in there".

My response:
There's nothing anybody can say that'll make me happy, except, "Surprise, you're on candid camera!", or "You've been punked!".

Sometimes I wish this was all an elaborate joke.. but no, it's all too real.

Mother's Day

So, this is my first Mother's Day alone... Can't say it was too eventful. I honestly couldn't think of a single activity to do by myself with Carter, and the thought of getting ready to go anywhere sounded like way too much effort. Church was not an option.. still too soon. I knew I'd cry the whole time. Plus, they always do something special for women on Mother's Day, and I'm still too emotionally fragile for that. So, Carter and I hung out alone at home all day and did nothing. Yes, I am his mother, but it was a bit much. Let's just say he went down for an early nap. We also Skyped with both grandmas today.

I only cried once today.. and for that, I am proud. Carter is at his cutest in the bathtub, so he always makes me smile. Tonight he made me cry because I just couldn't see us as being one big happy family again. That special time in his life with his mom and dad both at home is done. Carter saw me crying and told me to stop. It broke my heart today, again, when we Skyped with Graham's mom and Graham. Carter kept saying to Graham, "no, daddy, be HERE".

Carter is incredibly insightful and empathetic for a toddler. He always notices if someone is sad, and will come and try to cheer you up. Also the other day, I was listening to one of Maroon 5's new songs, "Wipe Your Eyes", which I have been obsessed with, even before this all went down. It's a bittersweet song about a man who is hurting the woman he's with, but still offers to wipe her tears from her eyes. In fact, Graham listened to this song with me once, and remarked how messed up this song was (and yet, that's exactly how he was behaving--so ironic). So anyways, as I was listening to this song the other night, Carter said to me, "mommy and daddy's song... daddy get better." Which, of course, only made me cry.

I'd say the hardest thing about this right now is the huge, gaping hole in my heart. Before Graham and I met, I always felt incomplete (as cheesy as that sounds). I filled the hole with shopping and other things (good thing I don't drink alcohol). When we met, it was just kismet. No other way to describe it. We were meant to be. I felt unbelievably happy and complete. When we got married, I felt like I'd found my role in life--Graham's wife. I LOVED being his wife.. cooking for him, supporting him through trials, treating him well, making his favorite things, and helping him become the man I thought he could be. At the time, I loved Alicia Keys' "Like You'll Never See Me Again", and I would cry, thinking about what would happen if something happened to him.

Then, over the last few months, I felt some cracks in our relationship, which I hadn't felt in some time. I started filling the cracks with temporary satisfaction, like buying more clothes again, although I used the excuse that I'd lost a significant amount of weight to justify the expense. I felt like I needed other men to find me attractive. And now, I've cracked wide open, and I don't know if I'm ever going to be healed again.

I'm sorry if this makes any of you readers uncomfortable.. but this is therapy for me, and you might find some comfort in reading about my trainwreck of a life.

The next chapter

And so the next chapter of my life begins..

My mom is still staying with me this week, but she leaves Wednesday night. The dust hasn't settled yet, and neither has reality. I still feel a little bit numb on the inside, but raw on the edges. Don't worry, I've only burst into tears once so far today, and it was alone in my office.

First things first.. I am staying here in Washington. My lease is up June 1st, so I started freaking out about it. I was going to try to get a month-to-month lease, but my property management company wasn't being too obliging. So after my mom and I examined my finances, we saw that I could stay here and make it on my own without having to move back to California and rely on family for rent/daycare. Also, there is not a single full-time Dietitian job available in Sacramento, so that wasn't looking good. I immediately felt peace when I decided I was going to stay (at least for another year or more), so that was a huge relief.

Carter will be staying in his daycare. His tuition is going down next month, so that'll be another $80 per month saved. Carter has been doing awesome with my mom. He's been his normal, happy self, and seems to be adjusting well so far. He's only asked for his daddy a couple of times, so it hasn't burned too much to hear him say it. He has told me that he'll make his daddy better by getting him medicine, and by putting a band-aid on his foot.. and that just broke my heart right there with his simple innocence.

I have the most amazing support from family and friends. Honestly, I had no idea that I had so many people in my corner. I've received lots of messages and texts from people that I didn't think even cared about me, so it's been a blessing. I've felt like my sister and I have been able to repair our relationship and get close again. Luckily, she turned down a job in San Francisco to stay here with me. My parents and brothers have been there with overwhelming support. I will never be able to repay them emotionally or financially. My friends at work and here in WA have been amazing as well. My co-worker even offered her mother-in-law apartment if I needed a place to stay.

Anyways, Graham has started therapy and will hopefully be able to re-enroll in school down in Portland in the fall. No matter what happens, I hope he can be successful in his endeavors, so he can be there for Carter as a positive male role model. He is staying with his parents and looking for jobs down there.

Carter and I are trying to fill our summer with fun activities and stuff to do outside the house. We are signing up at the Y for swimming lessons and other activities. We are planning a vacation to San Diego in August, and possibly down to Disneyland for his birthday. Carter's daycare is closed for a week in July, so I think I'll let Graham's family take him to Idaho for their family's reunion that week.

I went to church yesterday, but it almost felt too soon. I started crying during the first hymn. I don't like other people to see me as being vulnerable or emotional, so it was terrible. Next Sunday may be worse because my mom won't be there. We'll see how it goes. I know that the women are trying to be nice to include me, but it's almost insulting because they've been told to do so. Plus, I am a WORKING MOM. I CANNOT ATTEND DAYTIME PLAYGROUP!!! But, that's besides the point.

So if you are still reading this, please pray for us. Please keep us in your thoughts.

Is this really my life?

As I prepare Carter for bed all by myself, noting the empty side of the countertop as we brush our teeth, I ask myself, "is this really my life?"

I've asked myself this question before, but more like, I can't believe I'm a grown up, 30 year-old woman with a job, family, and career in a random hospital in Western WA. I never would've guessed this future for me...

And then last night happened..

And again I have to ask myself, "is this really my life?"

So, as you may recall, Graham and I had a major bump in the road in September 2009 with an almost identical situation (but a little bit easier because we didn't have Carter yet). We worked through it. I was a strong woman, ready to support my husband of almost 2 years through anything. We worked through it, and I considered our relationship to be stronger than ever.. with some minor exceptions of course.

So, if you read my last post, I've been celebrating in my mind that Graham is going to be done with school soon. It was the light at the end of the tunnel.. we had our eyes on the prize: graduation! And after that, house shopping, a future pregnancy, etc. Life seemed to finally be going our way.

However, over the past few months, things weren't adding up. Bad things kept happening to us, with a seemingly recurring theme of unfortunate and coincidental events. Our finances were our main concern, but our relationship was fine. However, I had this unsettling sense of impending doom, or basically waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The shoe dropped all right, but it turned out to be a steel-toed boot.

Graham has been lying to me about a ton of things over the past year, including attending school. He hasn't been in class since last fall. I won't go into the other details, but we'll just say it was big stuff.

But anyways, we are temporarily separating. Graham is currently on the bus to his parents' house, and I am playing the single mom role here in town. Graham needs some serious help before or IF we get back together, as his lies have destroyed all of my trust and have broken me down.

Last night, we didn't sleep at all. We talked, reminiscing about our best times as a couple. I just had the feeling that it would be our last night together, so I didn't want to make it miserable. We snuggled and I put my head on his chest one last time, pretending everything was ok.

Today, I packed his lunch for his bus ride to Portland one last time while sobbing uncontrollably. I somehow managed to make a peanut butter and honey sandwich, with an oatmeal cookie, just as one last kind gesture from his wife.

I look at his pillow and empty side of the bed and I can't help but cry. I kept asking myself today, "can I wake up from this dream?"

I feel like Neo in the Matrix, except I didn't ask to take the red pill Morpheus!

Anyways, I don't mean to air my dirty laundry, but this is real life, plain and simple. Shit happens, and it will happen to you.

13 months and counting...

So, I have started counting down the months until Graham graduates college with his degree in mechanical engineering. May 2014... we are very much looking forward to your arrival!

Anyways, Graham is preparing for his last year of school, picking out his classes and schedule, and getting excited for job prospects. He says that every student in the class a year ahead of him is either going to grad school or has a job lined up. The engineering recruiters in our area are excited to start recruiting students from Graham's program because they are people who want to stay local. So.. we are VERY excited to think we may be able to have a job lined up after Graham is done with school. (In case you were wondering, the internship at the naval shipyard didn't work out due to the Sequester and the hiring freeze.)

I am also celebrating 13 months of exercise and fitness this month! I started exercising March 2012, and I've been steady ever since. I've only missed about 3 days total of planned exercise due to illness or unforseen events. I am currently holding at 21 pounds lost (it has been EXTREMELY difficult to lose weight in the winter gosh dangit). I am 3 pounds above my goal weight, but that's ok. However, I've decided to try to lose 8 more pounds to get down to my new goal weight, which will put me at ~30 pounds lost. I have promised myself a new makeup palette that I really want if I lose more weight. So, I've gone back to doing 20 more weeks of heavy cardio and HIIT training, so I should be done by July or so (i.e. swimsuit season).

Anyways, life hasn't been too exciting. Graham is getting close to finishing his semster and preparing for his summer semester away. We are planning on him being gone for 6 weeks down in Vancouver, WA, and 3 weeks out in Pullman, WA. Even though it is the same amount of time gone as last summer, it's going to suck more because it'll be 5 full days gone instead of 3. I'm not looking forward to being a single mom again for the summer. I am looking for activities for Carter and I to do this summer, like swimming lessons, but that means I have to be in a swimsuit in public, and it's kind of expensive. So yeah, I should post more of the hilarious things that Carter says/does, but I can't commit to blogging more.

One Carter-ism for your enjoyment:

Graham: "ouch!"
Carter: "what happened daddy?"
Graham: "my butt hurts."
Carter: "I kiss it better!" (as he leans in)
Graham: "No, Carter, no!"

I'm also adding some pictures from Easter that didn't make the cut to Facebook.

This is my "I'm getting real tired of your complaining, Graham, and just take the picture already" look.

Ok, maybe just one picture then. Stupid blogger.

Graham's war on terror

Ok, so the title is a bit dramatic, but this story is just too funny to NOT tell.

So, as you may remember, Graham has a tendency to attract other males in the past. More recently though, Graham has been complaining for a few weeks about a male librarian at school that has been "creeping" (his words, not mine) on him in the library. He stares at Graham while he is studying, peers at him over the library counter while pretending to work, and sneaks looks at him through the bookcases. Graham has been really annoyed by this guy's behavior, and has been tempted to confront this guy to ask him what his problem is.

So, yesterday, the guy was staring at Graham again in the library. Graham wisely decided to not confront or beat up the individual, but decided to fight this guy in a different manner-- a "drive-by". Graham farted loudly in the library, stuck around long enough to make sure that it smelled, and then gave the librarian a look as he booked it out of the library. As Graham said, "he knows that I know he knows I did it on purpose".

When Graham told me this story, I laughed hysterically for like 5 minutes and didn't think this story could be any more funny...

Until today...

So, Graham was telling his study group at school about this situation, as they all know about Graham's creeper, and apparently Graham's admirer was eavesdropping on the conversation. He heard Graham say that he told his wife the story, and he poked his head around the corner and said, "Oh wait--you're married?? I knew you weren't gay yesterday, but now I know you're married and straight."

Graham: "Yeah, I'm married... what made you think I'm gay?"

Creeper: "The shoes you're wearing.."

Graham: "Yeah, my wife dresses me.. So my strategy worked yesterday?"

Creeper: "Yeah it was definitely a turn-off."

Let me post a picture with Graham's shoes:

Those are just plain Skechers. Maybe a little on the side of "metro", but not gay (at least by my standards).

Life lesson from Graham: when you don't know what do to when you face opposition, just fart loudly and walk away.

Yeah, this is getting awkward..

Ok, so since I've lost weight, I've received lots of compliments about looking good, losing weight, etc.. but mostly from female friends and co-workers. Only a couple of male co-workers have dared to say anything, and usually it's been pretty benign, like "oh, you're looking good. Have you been working out?" or "you're getting so skinny!" (which is my personal favorite since I've never been called skinny).

So, one of my male co-workers at the hospital, whom shall not be named, said to me one day, "hey there skinny! We're going to have to start calling you superfox!" I was flattered, but a little weirded out by the compliment. I said thank you, of course, and reminded myself to stop wearing such low-cut shirts in this certain department. I didn't think too much about it for the next couple of days.

However, this same male co-worker was working on a different floor a few days later, and was talking to my female co-worker about me. He said the same thing to her about me, including the superfox thing. Ok, so yeah, that's a little weird, but then, he asked if I was divorced or getting divorced. He didn't ask that because I was losing weight, but because he hadn't "seen me wearing my wedding ring lately."

First of all, I never miss a day without my wedding ring at work.

Second, yikes.

Third, yikes. I didn't think men cared about or looked at wedding rings.

So, now I have to avoid this person because I think he's checking me out. I sat across from him a few days later and made sure my ring finger with my wedding ring was in full sight.

Awkward.

Graham says he better watch out, because he doesn't want to have to burn the hospital down if he ever hits on me or says something like that again. Do you remember the last time when some guys hit on me?