Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Is this really my life?

As I prepare Carter for bed all by myself, noting the empty side of the countertop as we brush our teeth, I ask myself, "is this really my life?"

I've asked myself this question before, but more like, I can't believe I'm a grown up, 30 year-old woman with a job, family, and career in a random hospital in Western WA. I never would've guessed this future for me...

And then last night happened..

And again I have to ask myself, "is this really my life?"

So, as you may recall, Graham and I had a major bump in the road in September 2009 with an almost identical situation (but a little bit easier because we didn't have Carter yet). We worked through it. I was a strong woman, ready to support my husband of almost 2 years through anything. We worked through it, and I considered our relationship to be stronger than ever.. with some minor exceptions of course.

So, if you read my last post, I've been celebrating in my mind that Graham is going to be done with school soon. It was the light at the end of the tunnel.. we had our eyes on the prize: graduation! And after that, house shopping, a future pregnancy, etc. Life seemed to finally be going our way.

However, over the past few months, things weren't adding up. Bad things kept happening to us, with a seemingly recurring theme of unfortunate and coincidental events. Our finances were our main concern, but our relationship was fine. However, I had this unsettling sense of impending doom, or basically waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The shoe dropped all right, but it turned out to be a steel-toed boot.

Graham has been lying to me about a ton of things over the past year, including attending school. He hasn't been in class since last fall. I won't go into the other details, but we'll just say it was big stuff.

But anyways, we are temporarily separating. Graham is currently on the bus to his parents' house, and I am playing the single mom role here in town. Graham needs some serious help before or IF we get back together, as his lies have destroyed all of my trust and have broken me down.

Last night, we didn't sleep at all. We talked, reminiscing about our best times as a couple. I just had the feeling that it would be our last night together, so I didn't want to make it miserable. We snuggled and I put my head on his chest one last time, pretending everything was ok.

Today, I packed his lunch for his bus ride to Portland one last time while sobbing uncontrollably. I somehow managed to make a peanut butter and honey sandwich, with an oatmeal cookie, just as one last kind gesture from his wife.

I look at his pillow and empty side of the bed and I can't help but cry. I kept asking myself today, "can I wake up from this dream?"

I feel like Neo in the Matrix, except I didn't ask to take the red pill Morpheus!

Anyways, I don't mean to air my dirty laundry, but this is real life, plain and simple. Shit happens, and it will happen to you.

Friday, April 5, 2013

13 months and counting...

So, I have started counting down the months until Graham graduates college with his degree in mechanical engineering. May 2014... we are very much looking forward to your arrival!

Anyways, Graham is preparing for his last year of school, picking out his classes and schedule, and getting excited for job prospects. He says that every student in the class a year ahead of him is either going to grad school or has a job lined up. The engineering recruiters in our area are excited to start recruiting students from Graham's program because they are people who want to stay local. So.. we are VERY excited to think we may be able to have a job lined up after Graham is done with school. (In case you were wondering, the internship at the naval shipyard didn't work out due to the Sequester and the hiring freeze.)

I am also celebrating 13 months of exercise and fitness this month! I started exercising March 2012, and I've been steady ever since. I've only missed about 3 days total of planned exercise due to illness or unforseen events. I am currently holding at 21 pounds lost (it has been EXTREMELY difficult to lose weight in the winter gosh dangit). I am 3 pounds above my goal weight, but that's ok. However, I've decided to try to lose 8 more pounds to get down to my new goal weight, which will put me at ~30 pounds lost. I have promised myself a new makeup palette that I really want if I lose more weight. So, I've gone back to doing 20 more weeks of heavy cardio and HIIT training, so I should be done by July or so (i.e. swimsuit season).

Anyways, life hasn't been too exciting. Graham is getting close to finishing his semster and preparing for his summer semester away. We are planning on him being gone for 6 weeks down in Vancouver, WA, and 3 weeks out in Pullman, WA. Even though it is the same amount of time gone as last summer, it's going to suck more because it'll be 5 full days gone instead of 3. I'm not looking forward to being a single mom again for the summer. I am looking for activities for Carter and I to do this summer, like swimming lessons, but that means I have to be in a swimsuit in public, and it's kind of expensive. So yeah, I should post more of the hilarious things that Carter says/does, but I can't commit to blogging more.

One Carter-ism for your enjoyment:

Graham: "ouch!"
Carter: "what happened daddy?"
Graham: "my butt hurts."
Carter: "I kiss it better!" (as he leans in)
Graham: "No, Carter, no!"

I'm also adding some pictures from Easter that didn't make the cut to Facebook.

This is my "I'm getting real tired of your complaining, Graham, and just take the picture already" look.

Ok, maybe just one picture then. Stupid blogger.

The good, the bad, and the ugly..

One thing Graham and I always ask each other on our conversations.. what do you want to hear first: the good news or the bad news? We almo...