Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Is this really my life?

As I prepare Carter for bed all by myself, noting the empty side of the countertop as we brush our teeth, I ask myself, "is this really my life?"

I've asked myself this question before, but more like, I can't believe I'm a grown up, 30 year-old woman with a job, family, and career in a random hospital in Western WA. I never would've guessed this future for me...

And then last night happened..

And again I have to ask myself, "is this really my life?"

So, as you may recall, Graham and I had a major bump in the road in September 2009 with an almost identical situation (but a little bit easier because we didn't have Carter yet). We worked through it. I was a strong woman, ready to support my husband of almost 2 years through anything. We worked through it, and I considered our relationship to be stronger than ever.. with some minor exceptions of course.

So, if you read my last post, I've been celebrating in my mind that Graham is going to be done with school soon. It was the light at the end of the tunnel.. we had our eyes on the prize: graduation! And after that, house shopping, a future pregnancy, etc. Life seemed to finally be going our way.

However, over the past few months, things weren't adding up. Bad things kept happening to us, with a seemingly recurring theme of unfortunate and coincidental events. Our finances were our main concern, but our relationship was fine. However, I had this unsettling sense of impending doom, or basically waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The shoe dropped all right, but it turned out to be a steel-toed boot.

Graham has been lying to me about a ton of things over the past year, including attending school. He hasn't been in class since last fall. I won't go into the other details, but we'll just say it was big stuff.

But anyways, we are temporarily separating. Graham is currently on the bus to his parents' house, and I am playing the single mom role here in town. Graham needs some serious help before or IF we get back together, as his lies have destroyed all of my trust and have broken me down.

Last night, we didn't sleep at all. We talked, reminiscing about our best times as a couple. I just had the feeling that it would be our last night together, so I didn't want to make it miserable. We snuggled and I put my head on his chest one last time, pretending everything was ok.

Today, I packed his lunch for his bus ride to Portland one last time while sobbing uncontrollably. I somehow managed to make a peanut butter and honey sandwich, with an oatmeal cookie, just as one last kind gesture from his wife.

I look at his pillow and empty side of the bed and I can't help but cry. I kept asking myself today, "can I wake up from this dream?"

I feel like Neo in the Matrix, except I didn't ask to take the red pill Morpheus!

Anyways, I don't mean to air my dirty laundry, but this is real life, plain and simple. Shit happens, and it will happen to you.

5 comments:

Sue said...

You are so right! And whatever happens now, you ARE a strong woman, you have a wonderful little boy and a good job. Life can be good again! I love you and support you. Coming!

Shannon said...

Sherri you are such a strong, amazing person. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. Sending love and prayers your way!

heidi nielsen said...

Sherri, I'm not sure I could have handled this situation with as much grace as you. You are amazing. Carter is lucky to have you as a mom.

The Boob Nazi said...

:(

Bean said...

I freakin' love your guts. I don't know all the detail, but I don't have to. I know you and I also know that although this hurts like hell right now, you will rise above it all. Even though you are in WA, let me know if you plan to come to Utah and you have a place to stay!

Ann-Marie

The good, the bad, and the ugly..

One thing Graham and I always ask each other on our conversations.. what do you want to hear first: the good news or the bad news? We almo...