So, this is my first Mother's Day alone... Can't say it was too eventful. I honestly couldn't think of a single activity to do by myself with Carter, and the thought of getting ready to go anywhere sounded like way too much effort. Church was not an option.. still too soon. I knew I'd cry the whole time. Plus, they always do something special for women on Mother's Day, and I'm still too emotionally fragile for that. So, Carter and I hung out alone at home all day and did nothing. Yes, I am his mother, but it was a bit much. Let's just say he went down for an early nap. We also Skyped with both grandmas today.
I only cried once today.. and for that, I am proud. Carter is at his cutest in the bathtub, so he always makes me smile. Tonight he made me cry because I just couldn't see us as being one big happy family again. That special time in his life with his mom and dad both at home is done. Carter saw me crying and told me to stop. It broke my heart today, again, when we Skyped with Graham's mom and Graham. Carter kept saying to Graham, "no, daddy, be HERE".
Carter is incredibly insightful and empathetic for a toddler. He always notices if someone is sad, and will come and try to cheer you up. Also the other day, I was listening to one of Maroon 5's new songs, "Wipe Your Eyes", which I have been obsessed with, even before this all went down. It's a bittersweet song about a man who is hurting the woman he's with, but still offers to wipe her tears from her eyes. In fact, Graham listened to this song with me once, and remarked how messed up this song was (and yet, that's exactly how he was behaving--so ironic). So anyways, as I was listening to this song the other night, Carter said to me, "mommy and daddy's song... daddy get better." Which, of course, only made me cry.
I'd say the hardest thing about this right now is the huge, gaping hole in my heart. Before Graham and I met, I always felt incomplete (as cheesy as that sounds). I filled the hole with shopping and other things (good thing I don't drink alcohol). When we met, it was just kismet. No other way to describe it. We were meant to be. I felt unbelievably happy and complete. When we got married, I felt like I'd found my role in life--Graham's wife. I LOVED being his wife.. cooking for him, supporting him through trials, treating him well, making his favorite things, and helping him become the man I thought he could be. At the time, I loved Alicia Keys' "Like You'll Never See Me Again", and I would cry, thinking about what would happen if something happened to him.
Then, over the last few months, I felt some cracks in our relationship, which I hadn't felt in some time. I started filling the cracks with temporary satisfaction, like buying more clothes again, although I used the excuse that I'd lost a significant amount of weight to justify the expense. I felt like I needed other men to find me attractive. And now, I've cracked wide open, and I don't know if I'm ever going to be healed again.
I'm sorry if this makes any of you readers uncomfortable.. but this is therapy for me, and you might find some comfort in reading about my trainwreck of a life.
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