So, it's been six months since my life has been turned upside down. Where are we now?
Well, Graham is still down in Portland. Now, he's living on and off with his grandparents to save on gas. He is attending Portland State, re-taking some of the classes he failed. He is working a couple of jobs, including janitorial work and working with Engineering for Kids. He is doing fairly well, but misses us terribly.
Carter is doing ok. He misses his dad a lot. He cries for daddy whenever I say no to what he wants. I have to say, "Sorry, Carter, I know you want an apple at 2:30 AM, but your daddy still wouldn't give you one even if mommy says no." (This for real happened two nights ago.) He also is going through a stage where he likes me to "hold him like a baby", and he'll even say "mama" like a baby.. It makes me a little sad, because I think this is one of the ways he is dealing with the separation.
I am doing ok. I've come to terms with what has happened, and what can happen. There is still fear, still a lack of trust, but I have hope. I have hope that people can change. I have hope that things will be ok in the end (wherever that may be). I have hope that we can build a better, more trusting relationship that is completely open about who we are and what we are. It is not going to be easy. It never will be. We are humans with many flaws and imperfections. With our faith in Jesus Christ, and some hard work, I think we can make it. And, if we don't.. at least we tried.
So, if things work out, Graham may move back home in January. There will be ground rules set: a job, a set school schedule, responsibilities at home, verification of activities, etc. Things have to fall back into place for this to work out (a job being the foremost responsibility), but this is our tentative plan. There are fall-back plans, so we'll see how things work out.
I know some people think I'm crazy. I know, it definitely feels that way at times. I can't believe that I've landed at this conclusion, especially when I look back at where I've come from. When this first happened, I remember my mom telling me to pray, lots of praying. I distinctly remember saying, "But I don't want to pray about this, because I'm afraid of what the answer may be [i.e. forgiving Graham and trying to make it work]". But yes, I've prayed thousands of times of what I should do, and it has all ended the same way. I know that this is what God wants me to do, even though I have doubted it and even wanted to rebel against it.
However, in a marriage, don't we all take the good with the bad? We all put up with some sort of crap from our spouses.. it's just how much and what you're willing to deal with. Some women couldn't deal with what I've been dealt, and likewise I couldn't deal with what some other women deal with from their spouses.
Anyways, I'd appreciate your support in this matter, especially if I know you personally. I know what the risks are. Trust me. I've lived this. I've had nightmares. But, I don't need to hear you voicing those fears. This is my life, my decision, my marriage, and my family. Whatever happens, that remains to be seen. Either way, I'm seeing it out until the end.
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