Loneliness

So, it's been interesting dealing with the side effects from having an opposite schedule than Graham. We still sleep in the same bed from 10:30 PM-5:00 AM, with a very brief chat when he gets home, and a brief one when he drops Carter off at my work at 2:30 PM. We have weekends together sometimes when I'm not working and Wednesday evenings, but it's been difficult to not have someone to come home to. I'm not much of a talker, but now that I don't have it, I realize what I'm missing.

Usually, I have friends at work to kind of curb the loneliness, but that hasn't been available lately. As I've mentioned before, I had some drama at work earlier this year. It had nothing to do with my job, but more like a friend from work. She and I had a major falling out, and now she and her husband can't even hardly look at me in the eye. I was friends with both of them and enjoyed talking with them at work, and now I've lost two friends. It's been almost 6 months, and only today did it really hit me how much it has affected me to lose friends, especially ones that helped me through hard times. I've been angry and sad about it, and I can't do anything more to make it better.

I'm not a phone talker, so that doesn't really make me feel better. I used to kill the loneliness with shopping, but I've really been cutting back on that a lot. So now, I'm fully feeling my emotions more than ever. I guess I just have to learn to deal with it like an adult..

Why I stayed..

Sometimes, I wonder why I am where I am in life... Why have my decisions led me to this current place (literal and figurative)? Is this just for my personal growth or is it all coincidental or consequential?

I didn't really give much background into why we made some alterations in our life plans, but some of it was related to things that happened last summer, and some stuff from like 4 or 5 years ago. Obviously, not stuff I'm going to share, but anyways.. When I think about some things that my husband did, I honestly want to wring his neck. It's so frustrating to be so mad at your spouse for things that have happened a long time ago, and not get adequate resolution about the old problems. I have forgiven him for many things, but man oh man, some of these things make me want to slap him silly...And just to clarify, I do not advocate domestic abuse (even in jest). I've made some mistakes where I've felt the same way about myself.

But, I continue to love him and stay with him. Even he asks me why I do.. why I continue to accept his faults and love him through all of these problems. When this issue came up back in 2009, he was very depressed, and I wrote him a letter that he kept in his wallet. It detailed all of the reasons why I loved him. He still has it, apparently. He also did the same for me for Mother's Day last year after this all went down, and I keep it at home.

So, to be a little sappy, and to remind myself and my followers of why I'm still married (and happily so), I'm writing a list of why I love my husband (I'll try to keep this appropriate, *wink wink*):

• He honestly makes me laugh. Every day. He's silly, he's clever, he's a little sarcastic but sometimes cheesy.. I love it. His sense of humor perfectly complements mine.
• He takes me seriously. He's not one of these men who shakes their head bemusedly about their "crazy wife". He tries to understand what I'm feeling.
• He does the dishes every day without complaint.
• I love the way he tells me every day that he loves me. That I'm attractive. That I'm enough..
• He's such a great dad. Honestly. He gets down and plays with Carter. Carter absolutely adores him. I love seeing Graham as a father, and seeing him lead our family. I could go on and on about this, but I won't.
• He's very supportive with my activities and hobbies.
• He kisses me on the neck romantically.
• He loves me even with all my faults and mistakes. I have never doubted how much he loves me.
• He allows me to be myself. There have only been a few people with whom I've truly been 100% myself, and he's one of them.
• He wakes up and gets out of bed every morning just to turn my car on and get it warm before I get in the car.
• I love him for the man he is and the man he can be. I can't just love him for the best he can be--I also need to love him even through his worst times.
• He doesn't mind me teasing him (or annoying him, depending on the day).
• He's very personable and friendly.
• He's like the only person that I know that I can be with 24/7 and never get sick of him.
• He gets me. He understands my point of view. 
• I love that he is actually creative, partly because I don't have a creative bone in my body. Not only can he tell crazy spontaneous stories to Carter, but he also composes his own music. One of my favorite things to do is lay down and listen to him play his own re-mixes and original music on the piano.

Anyways, I love him more than anything.. I want to make things work because he is my wonderful, loving husband, and couldn't imagine life without him now.

One Full Year

It has been one full year since Graham and I separated, and life has kind of come around full circle.

It's been interesting going through my old blogs during the hardest time of my life. I'm sure some people thought I was crazy blogging about such personal events, but it was really therapeutic and it has a good reminder of the hell I've been through.. the tears, the disappointment, fear, jealousy.. you name it.. I felt it.

I remember going through the first few months of our separation, I was set on divorce as practically the only option. I had a date set in my mind: May 2014.. The time that it'd be official. This was also the date that Graham would've initially graduated from college, so it was symbolic in a way. But then, as the months went on, my thoughts and feelings changed about my options and future. I mean, I committed to this guy for eternity, right.. through thick and thin, better and worse.. no matter how fundamentally flawed he is.

But something I've come to realize myself is that I'm just as flawed as he is.. just in different ways. I can't expect perfection from him when I can't do the same. Just because someone's sins and imperfections are more obvious than someone else's doesn't make them a worse person. Anxiety and depression are very real to me. Just because I don't suffer from a mental illness doesn't mean I can't try to understand my husband better, and at least try to relate to him.

Anyways, Graham has been back for almost five months now.. And although there have been some major bumps along the way, there has been much joy as well. Anxiety (for both of us)--yes. Fear--yes. Frustration--yes. Happiness--yes. It honestly makes me cry to think of our family apart.. how close we almost came to losing everything. There is such a huge difference in Carter's countenance when we are all together, especially since we flip-flop Carter during the days and evenings. He is so much happier.

Even though things can be hard sometimes, we can always find joy and happiness in our struggles. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is real. Every pain, every fear, every trial, every weakness.. can be made better through Him. When people ask me how I got through this, I honestly have no idea. I'm pretty sure the only way I was able to get through last year is because He carried me along the way. For those of you that don't have the same beliefs as me, you know what power and strength it gives you to have faith in a higher power.. to know that there's a greater purpose.. and to know that there's someone who cares about me more than I could imagine.

So yeah, it has been quite the eventful year. I've gained friends, lost friends, joined a gym, learned more about myself, gone on vacation with a toddler solo multiple times on a plane, and gained a greater appreciation for forgiveness and marriage. Can't say I'd like to re-live this year ever again.

And if you're not familiar with my saga: here are some of the links to previous blog posts.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13.