What does your love story sound like?

Warning: I'm not a professional writer, and I've had an emotional 24 hours. Bear with me here.

If you were to tell your love story, would there be a specific tone or theme?

Would it be cynical, romantic, comedic, or something else entirely?

Starting out, I would have said our specific theme would be comedic. Graham and I are goofy and silly together. I also would have considered our love story to be romantic. We were and have been at multiple times in our lives completely wrapped up in each other. In our house, if you walk around the corner, you may still find us kissing or hugging each other just because we want to express our love. (We don't do this if we have guests--no need to fear. That would be awkward.)

After 12 years, our love story tone has been altered to add the all-important theme of forgiveness.

Some of you may have easy-to-tell love stories that are pretty smooth, ordinary, loving, but amazing all the same.

But if you know us well, our love story has been anything but smooth. All I wanted in life was to find someone to love and to take care of. I was realistic in my hopes and plans for marriage, knowing that things wouldn't be all roses and never-ending fun. However, I had no idea what I was in for.

You see, Graham has anxiety and depression, as well as some childhood stuff he's been dealing with. He goes through yearly cycles of being fine, making one small mistake, then things snowball from there. In these compromised thought and behavior patterns, he makes poor and illogical decisions that affect those around him.

What is it like to be married to someone with a mental illness? (This is a sensitive topic, I know. But if we don't share, how does it become NOT taboo?)

• I have been a support person and a victim to this behavior. 
• I have participated in multiple therapy sessions.
• I have some emotional PTSD. 
• I get mini panic attacks when one thing slightly out of the ordinary happens.
• I get paranoid when things are going well.
• I have trust issues.
• I have shed a lot of tears.
• I think "what tf were you thinking?" way more than I should.
• I am exhausted from having to be the stable one and carry that emotional load.
• I feel isolated and alone, and I have had moments of deep despair.
• I feel like I'm married to someone who's constantly trying to ruin their own life by making stupid decisions.
• I am waiting for the other shoe to drop... every day of my life.

I have cried during workouts and long car drives, said "I didn't sign up for this", prayed myself to sleep, whined "life isn't fair", and screamed into my pillow. I try to be understanding and forgiving, but I also wonder if I will ever reach the point of giving up.

When Graham and I got back together in 2013, I knew things could happen again. We decided to only have two kids because of the additional stress of the underlying anxiety/depression. I have a hole in my heart where my third child (a boy named Barrett) should be. I work full-time in case things ever go badly. I participate in retail therapy instead of discussing my feelings. I have hoped for the best and prepared for the worst.

This is an incredibly heavy post. If you know me well, I try to make things light-hearted most of the time. This isn't one of those times. I am also trying to open up a little and be more vulnerable. Being vulnerable and open about how I feel is something I never do. All of my life, I have joked around with people to prevent myself from really sharing myself with others. Recently though, I have been more cringingly (is that even a word?) open about how I feel, even though it makes me want to stick a fork in my eye. (Like if you're reading this, and I have told you that I like hanging out with you--I don't normally do that. I would much rather tease you or make fun of you than do that.) Anyways, I wish I could really share more, but it's not my story to tell. But, this IS my love story. And our love story still has yet to be finished.

Thanks for reading. I was going to do my fitness update, but my life was temporarily hijacked.

Life-Changing Revelation

When we were getting ready for bed last night, I told Graham that I had a life-changing revelation today. His first response was, "is this serious, or are you joking about makeup or something ridiculous?"

Ok, so I do joke a lot about important and stupid things... which is kind of what this blog is about.

Maybe you already know this, but it took me 36 years of my life to realize this.. Guys don't like funny girls/women.

Why was this such a shocker for me?? Even as a woman, I personally don't like a lot of female comediennes, but this is different. I like guys with a good sense of humor. I always have. I'm not unique in this trait, but I always assumed that because I found a funny guy attractive, that a guy would also be attracted to me because I am funny.

My journal entries throughout high school and college are filled with the mystified thoughts of why guys didn't like me because I was: 1) smart, 2) funny, and 3) cute. I thought these traits should make me irresistible, right? Some of my journal entries from high school and college are written below:

“I just don’t understand why I am a friend girl to everyone! I thought guys liked funny girls.. 
I thought being myself would help also. However—nothing seems to work!"

 "I just thought guys liked funny girls… 
From my track record, that would be a loud, resounding NO.”

I came to the conclusion in my 20's after I was married that most teenage boys and college guys absolutely do not give an F about #1 and #2. Some might, but most are concerned about looks.

And finally in my 30's, I have realized that most boys/guys/men do not want a woman who is funny in her own right.. and this is backed by science. There are many psychological studies that demonstrate that women find humor attractive in a male, but this is not reciprocated by men. Men find a sense of humor attractive, but it falls under the category of "humor appreciation". This means women who laugh at men's jokes are found to be more attractive. Men find some funny women (especially those with a male or aggressive sense of humor) to be a challenge or a threat, whether it's to their ego or whatever.

#notallmen

The same study states, however, that some men find funny women attractive. These men are usually older, more educated, and have higher self-esteem. Maybe you're a guy and you're reading this, and you're offended by this because you like funny women.. Good for you. More power to you. I like you already.

Also, I wanted to clarify that the study does specify that while men may enjoy jokes from women, they "rarely want to marry them". That's a sad generalization.

As I've gotten older, I've also realized that the kind of humor I employ has an effect on others. I love self-deprecating humor. I make fun of myself a lot, and sometimes I assume others do too... Poor assumption, I know.

Case in point... I was at a young single adult church activity with some friends and some people I had never met before. A guy I had never met was calling a girl to ask her a question about something. She didn't answer, and the guy said, "oh, she missed my call", to which I teasingly responded, "Oh, she's probably just avoiding your call". He gave me a look of death and asked rudely, "Do I know you?" I should have known that joke wouldn't be funny to him--he was a law student. He was much too serious to laugh at himself.

Another example... I was at another church activity. It was field day races, and a cute guy was on my team. We were doing potato sack races, and when our team won, I flirtatiously remarked, "Oh, you must be good in the sack." He laughed nervously, and then never talked to me after that night. Turns out that some Mormon guys are uncomfortable with sexual humor. Awk-ward.

I also learned that sarcasm can be a little funny, but is not really desirable in a long-term relationship. In high school and college, I was probably wayyyy too sarcastic and mean. I had some self-esteem issues that made me insecure (still do actually), and sarcasm was my deflection technique. I dated some sarcastic guys in college, and while they made me laugh, it really wouldn't have worked out. Eventually sarcasm can be mean and degrading from a romantic partner.

Thankfully, I met Graham. While he admits that he was a bit intimidated by me (I am older, funny, and smart), he has enjoyed my humor since we met. To me, Graham has the perfect mix of all my favorite kind of senses of humor: goofy, self-deprecating, and some sexual. He made me less sarcastic and less mean. Is that what love does to humor? Is your sense of humor dependent on your mood and your relationship?

Anyways, I still love to joke with men.. just to mess with them a little bit. I love some good clever and witty banter. But the last thing I'm now wondering about me is if this is considered to be flirting...? I'm going to chew on that for a bit.

I'm willing to say that most of it is based on the situation I'm in. I do joke with my patients at work to make them feel comfortable, but I don't joke flirtatiously (although I'm fairly certain some of my male patients have taken it that way). As far as my interpersonal relationships with men and other friends, I try to be really careful with how I joke because sometimes I take it too far (just ask Graham's family).

When it comes to my sense of humor.. I'm going to leave this journal entry from 2003 to describe how I feel...

“If I wasn’t myself, I don’t know how I’d live. 

If I didn’t find humor in everything, life would seem so bleak.”

I'm too embarrassed to post any photos of me doing totally weird stuff to be funny (I have lots of those), but here's a good example of how me and my roommates tried to be funny and creative in college. 

One DECADE

We have officially been married for 10 full years. I really can't believe it. I can't believe I am 35, ahem, 29 years old! These years have been the happiest, most stressful, most miserable, and yet most joyful in my life. I wish I could tell you how good things are. I wish I could tell you that we are riding on unicorns across rainbows in the sky. I wish I could say that our love is unconditional and unwavering. I wish I could report how amazing our life is.



Unfortunately, it's not any of those things. Life is hard. Marriage is tough. Raising kids isn't always fun. Building a home (as you all know now) is not a walk in the park.



I can say that Graham is my best friend. There is nobody else that I'd rather be with. He makes me laugh, he frustrates me, he calms me, and he has literally made me crazy at times. Our marriage isn't perfect, but it's been full of laughter and tears.



I wish I could share more about what's going on in our private lives, but I can't. It's not the right time. When we went through hard times ~5 years ago, I was pretty open about our experiences. Now, I'm a bit more hesitant to share.. especially considering how much more jaded I've become. I've been pretty sad--actually sad doesn't even scratch the surface of what I've been feeling--and I've had a few friends help lift me up. It's sad when you realize how little support you have left outside of your marriage. It can be kind of isolating at times. I've been on this crazy roller coaster, feeling like my life was spiraling out of control... with nobody to confide in.. mostly because I don't want anyone to judge me or Graham.



Anyways, I'll share our story sometime, somehow, in some way.



Right now, we are continuing on in holy matrimony.. bound together by our commitments to each other, to God, our family, and this gosh-dang house. We are committed to making this work, for better or for worse.



Maybe next time I'll share some of my favorite moments over the past 10 years..

Until then, I leave you with one wedding photo.

Four Years Later..

Yes, this is a post about my personal life.. so if you're just following my blog for building our house with Lexar Homes, you'll just have to check back next week..

Anyways, over the past three years around this time of year, I tend to look back at my life and see how it's changed. It has nothing to do with the spring season, but with the fact that Graham and I separated on May 1st 2013. If you don't know about our saga, here's the starting point to our journey. Also, this year, Graham and I have now been together ten years.. so it's a particular year of significance for us.

Four years ago, we went through a personal hell. We separated for Graham's own good, for him to get help, and to fully change without me to push him. He needed to be away from his family to fully realize what he had was worth working to keep. Because of the lies he told about flunking out of school and the trust he broke with his lies, it has taken a lot of time and work to rebuild our relationship. Time has been the biggest help, as it's helped reduce the pain. As time has gone by, I've been able to look back with fondness and with a bittersweet outlook. I've learned a lot.. and grown up a lot throughout the years.

To be honest, it's hard to stay with someone after they've broken your trust. I don't mean to make light of other people's serious problems as well, but I'm pretty sure I have a mild case of PTSD from what I've gone through. Whenever I hear a trigger word, or a trigger situation, such as a mention of somebody who has lied to their spouse.. I have a mini panic attack. My heart starts racing.. I get the anxiety poops... I check the cell phone records.. and then I have to call Graham and make sure he's not lying to me about anything. It sucks, but I'm glad I can better understand my response. Plus, my mini panic attacks get better and less severe as the years go by..

It's not easy to be in the position to doubt your spouse. I've doubted Graham so many times about the things he says and the things he does.. For a while there, our relationship required a lot of verification of things he did. He checked in with me when he was at work. Our emails and account were open and available at any time to each other. I've definitely had my moment of complete freakouts where I needed a lot of comfort and reassurance. Mostly, I feel better now. When I hear my normal anxiety triggers, I react much better. I'm not still asking Graham about events like 8 years ago. I'm looking forward to our lives together, and experiencing what life has to offer as we grow older together.

And yet, still.. sometimes I feel a sense of impending doom because things are too good right now. Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.. or something else to go terribly wrong. I feel sometimes like I'm not meant to have a happy life. I know friends who have lost spouses at a young age, or be diagnosed with a terrible chronic disease. I've seen people lose young children. My own brother had a brain tumor at 8 years old and a stroke at 32. Life's not fair, and I know it.. but I often fear for the worst. When I got pregnant with Sadie within the first month of Graham returning from Virginia, I was convinced that I would miscarry. Then after I got through the first trimester, I was worried I'd lose her at a young age. I don't know if this is ongoing anxiety, or just plain motherhood that I'm dealing with.. but it's not fun to have all of these negative thoughts.

But really, married life after a breach of trust doesn't have to be all negative. Luckily for me, it was not infidelity, or else I might be singing a different tune. I'm able to have a happy marriage because I married a great man. An imperfect one, sure.. but who's perfect anyways? Graham treats me like I deserve. He never nags or picks at me. He is my absolute best friend. He is an amazing father. After working a 12-hour day, he comes home and immediately helps me in the kitchen or plays with the kid. He helps with the chores. He doesn't complain about my meal choices (although one time he told me that chips and salsa didn't count as dinner, and I almost kicked him out). He is handsome and looks great in a hat. He kisses me goodnight every night. I am freaking lucky to have a husband so caring and perfect for me in almost every way. What we have is worth fighting for.. and I'm so glad we keep working towards eternity together.

And seriously, how can your heart not melt when you see this every day..?

Having it "all"

Somebody bugged me a couple of months ago when Sadie was a few weeks old (ahem.. you know who you are) about blogging more.. and specifically asked for a blog post about life balance, parenthood, marriage, etc..

I didn't respond, of course, because I was busy nursing this tiny human who wouldn't gain weight nor sleep by herself and even the thought of blogging boggled my mind. But now that I'm back at work and Sadie is not only gaining weight but also sleeping through the night, I can take a moment to think about my life.

Women often get asked the question, "How can you have it all?" Aka.. a family, job/career, and good/happy marriage. It's a little sexist that women get this question, but men don't.. but whatever. Here are my thoughts on the subject, and how I try to balance some of the biggest priorities in my life.

My job:
I picked a career in Dietetics years ago when I looked at BYU's list of majors in alphabetical order my freshman year in college. I was in the Nutrition GE course that semester and I thought to myself--"hey I can do that!" And I switched my major yet another time that year.. and the rest is history as they say. As I got further into my education, I discovered the opportunities to work full-time and part-time in the field, which was my major concern. As a girl growing up, I had no idea what I wanted to be or do (although I used to think I wanted to be an architect or interior designer), but whatever it was, I wanted to do it part-time so I could be home with my kids part-time. I had never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom full-time ever.. I'm not naturally a motherly type. Anyways, although I like my job and career, it isn't a huge passion. You might take a look at my resume and think differently (I have a Master's degree and two specialty certifications), but it's all been a means to an end.. a career that could be part-time. My job and career and not my life.. just a way for me to feel normal and get outside of my home. I don't take my work home with me.. ever. I guess I did study at home for my two exams, but that was it. I don't worry about work. I just show up and do my best. That's how I keep my work life balanced. No secret tricks there..

My family:
Like I said, I always wanted to work part-time and stay home part-time. I'm not like a kids person, and I need my adult time to feel normal. But, I always wanted a family, and we wanted four kids.. then three.. now just two. And we're done. It was quite the adjustment for me after Carter was born. I had never taken care of a newborn before, and the demands of motherhood were exhausting. I didn't enjoy going back to work at 10 weeks, but I didn't hate it. After 13 weeks home with Carter and Sadie this year,  I wanted to stay home.. for the first time ever in my life. I bawled like a baby the night before I went back to work. Since she's our last baby, I wanted to be home and be with her to witness all of her "firsts" firsthand. But, me not working full-time isn't an option for us right now. So, I bucked up and drove myself to work with tears in my eyes Monday morning. I vowed to myself to relish every moment of Sadie's baby life, even the nights of no sleep, so I can always remember this time. Carter's first year was kind of a blur. When I get home each afternoon, I devote time to each of my children, whether it's games with Carter, or snuggles with Sadie.. My alone time is at night after the two kids have gone to bed. I don't need many breaks from my kids when I only have 4.5 hours of them awake in the evening and I work during the day. I try to make quick to prepare meals, freezer meals, or InstantPot meals to decrease the amount of time cooking. And, I pray nightly for my children and for me to be a good mom. I'm not saying I'm a saint by any means.. I have my nights and moments where I just wish for quiet or time alone.. But if I only have 4 hours at night.. I can pull myself together for my kids during those hours. Again, no secret tricks.

My marriage:
Here's where it gets complicated because each relationship is different. Graham and I have an interesting relationship. Neither of us are super romantic and we're pretty jokey with each other, so what works for us probably wouldn't work for others. In fact, I had to go to the doctor's a few weeks ago when I was really sick, and Graham and I were bantering with each other back and forth in front of the doctor. The doctor didn't understand us or our relationship and told us to go home, have sex, and to orgasm (no seriously--she said that). Yeah, she definitely didn't get us at all. One of the biggest strengths in our marriage is the fact that we not only love each other, but we really like each other too. We enjoy each other's company a lot, and we often have conversations about social events, parenting, work, etc.. We also are both grateful for each other's help and often express our gratitude. I am extremely lucky to have a man who helps clean the house, does dishes, and gets up in the middle of the night with the children. He thinks he's lucky because I cook good things....? Hmm, you'd have to ask him the rest. We both consider each other lucky to have found the other person.

Even though marriage has been hard and definitely work at times, it's been the most worthwhile thing to maintain. We are in it for the long haul, even though we've both had our "moments". A bump in the road doesn't have to halt us completely. Sometimes we both get super frustrated at each other. Graham left our house keys in the rental car in San Diego. I got super paranoid and crazy during pregnancy (you don't even know). Even though we both have major flaws and have both made big mistakes, we love each other all of the time and express that love and appreciation. An imperfect diamond is still a diamond, right?  But, if you keep telling the other person every way that they've disappointed you, the other person eventually may just give up. Of course, communication is still key in relationships, but constantly voicing your displeasure doesn't make anyone happy, not even yourself. We also love each other more than our children. Graham's dad told them as kids, "I love you, but I love your mom more." It's important of us as parents to prioritize our relationship to provide a stable foundation for our kids.

One thing we both do, coincidentally, is to keep a running list of happy memories and good times in our mind. That way, if your spouse frustrates and angers, you have happy moments to keep you going. The cheesy thing is, Graham introduced me to this song and told me it made him think of us and our life together. Mind you, Graham composes music and could basically write a movie soundtrack. Ok, maybe that's an exaggeration, but Graham is very musical and talented. He has written a songs for me, Carter, and Sadie based on his feelings for us, and the songs are all very different. He played this song for me, and I thought about how Graham kisses me on the forehead when I'm tired or not feeling well, mine and Carter's last mommy-son date before Sadie was born, crying with Sadie in my arms before going to work, and our bittersweet moments together (when Graham and I separated and he left to get on the ferry to live with his parents for 8 months, and I told him "I will love you forever").. And now, it's the soundtrack to our lives, and this song, as well as Graham's personalized songs, will always remind me to love my spouse and to cherish our time together,



Anyways, no secrets to having it all here.. This is just how I keep myself together while being pulled in a million directions.

My Deep, Dark Confession

Before you get really anxious, I want to reassure you that I have not had an affair of any sort, nor do I harbor some weird fetishes or tendencies. However, this is kind of a serious, and maybe juicy, blog post.

I also want to make it clear that I am not airing my dirty laundry.. I am making my life's troubles relatable to all of you readers so that if you can feel like you're not alone if you've ever struggled with getting pregnant, marital issues, or depression (situational or otherwise).

Anyways, I kind of wanted to come clean. I've vaguely hinted before that I've had issues of my own and drama with other people in the somewhat recent past. I will continue to be somewhat vague to protect the privacy of others as this is a public forum. However, I will be as clear as possible about what I've gone through and how I've dealt with it. I've been thinking for months how to write about it and make it relevant without revealing too much.

About a week ago, I read this article: "When You're Attracted to Someone Who Isn't Your Spouse"... and then I finally got the courage to speak out. I highly recommend this article, especially if you're religious as it does have a Christian writer. I wish I had read this article a long, long time ago!

If you haven't figured it out.. I was attracted to a man who was not my husband. Let me repeat--we did not have an affair or anything close. Now that that's settled, let me tell my story..

It started out innocently like three and a half years ago.. Carter was one years old, Graham was doing well in school, and we were finally getting into a groove with our little family. There was little else to be desired from life. We were happy. I am going to emphasize that point--we were happy. There was nothing truly wrong in our relationship. I wasn't out looking for something to make me feel better. These stories don't always come from people in bad marriages. Anyways, I digress.

One fateful day, I noticed an attractive male who seemingly paid a little more attention to me than other females. I, feeling fat and unattractive post-pregnancy, always having been insecure and a little immature, took note of that. The little elementary school aged girl in me said, "Oh, look! He must think I'm cute! He stopped while he was doing something important, and talked to me and only me!" I distinctly remember that day. From then on, I had a tiny crush that got bigger and bigger. It was literally like a drug. I craved attention, conversation, jokes, anything from him to get me that high. But, because the crush was growing secretly inside me, something else was dying inside me. I was feeling unbelievably guilty. Finally, six months after I admitted to myself that I had a crush, I confessed it to Graham and my best friend. It was so soothing. Because someone else knew, I had some accountability and I felt like I could change a little.

So, for the next year, I tried to change. I tried to avoid conversation and everything, but it was too hard to do on my own. I didn't really want to change, because I still could get that high from the perceived flirting, Facebook likes/comments, dirty jokes, etc. To really make a lasting change, you need inner motivation, but I couldn't muster the desire to change. It was too much. My spirit was suffocating inside me. I pulled farther away from God and His spirit because I didn't want to feel guilty for having feelings for someone else. I wasn't technically doing anything wrong... It was just a feeling!

And so, even though I was reading scriptures every day, my spirituality faltered and wilted inside me. I got to the point where I didn't care. No, I probably never would've had an affair had the opportunity presented itself, but I could see how people could do such horrible things to their loved ones. You get to the point where you don't care about anyone but yourself when you pull away from God and choosing the right. I never, ever thought of myself as being this kind of woman (and maybe you're reading this and think this yourself!).. One who professes to love their spouse and child(ren), but completely ignores that when they're not physically there. I felt so alone, which is what Satan wanted me to feel.. He wants you to feel isolated and horrible so that you will never change or turn from temptation. Again, this is why I'm writing about this. To let you, anyone, know that you're not alone.

Luckily, my life fell apart a year after I told Graham about my crush. My husband was struggling with failing school and lying to everyone about it right before my freaking eyes and I never even noticed because I was too wrapped up in my own stupid, selfish head. I don't feel any guilt for what choices Graham made, but I do feel bad that I failed to take note of the warning signs and questionable things he said/did. I want to wring my own neck when I think of how little I was present at home with my family during these times, and what I could have done to help my failing husband at home and school. So, with the changes in my life and the necessity to focus on my family, I was slowly able to change with lots of prayer. Over time, the crush started to fade. But really, it was sloooooow progress, because I am stubborn and ridiculous. This situation was one of the reasons why I was willing to forgive Graham and take him back.. I am not perfect, and truly, us two imperfect people belong together.

And the real kicker, other people found out about the crush.. and then it was all over with a big, embarrassing collapse. My secret became not so secret.. and it was pretty horrible. It's been a year and a half, and ugh... still not better.

You may think that you are immune and that this will never happen to you or your spouse.. and if so, you're lucky. If you're not so lucky and find yourself in the same boat.. Be careful about who you spend your time with. Be careful with your feelings. Yes, they are just feelings, but they can make you do stupid things, especially if you keep doing the stupid things day after day.. Be careful about your relationship with God. Avoid temptation in all forms. Talk to your spouse openly about your daily dealings (haha--the name of my blog!).

In other words--read the article. She says it better.

So, yeah. That is my life's deepest, darkest secret (maybe), and yet it is cleansing in a way to admit it openly. I was pretty open about my marital troubles and Graham's issues, but a little reluctant to speak out about my own.. mostly because I didn't want anyone else involved to lose their anonymity. But now, you.. friends, family, strangers, blog stalkers, you know.. And please, don't make the same mistakes I did!

We didn't mean to buy a house...

So, ours may not be the typical first-time home buyer story.. The story where the couple has scraped and saved for years for a down payment, or where the couple is newly married, or the one where the married couple is expecting a child and want to move into a house before the baby is born. I wanted to blog about our process to help others along the way and give you a personal insight into first-time home buying. I was also contacted by a company called Compass that is starting a project called "Starter Stories" to feature stories about real people who are starting in their new first places, whether they be apartments or homes.

First of all, I'm 32 years-old, my husband is almost 30.. We have been married for 7 years. We have a 4 year-old kid. I have been in my career for over 6 years, and my husband is just starting his. We have LOTS of student loans to pay back.. Enough to choke on. And, we have consumer debt that we've been slowly but surely paying off with some major setbacks (remember, we also had to buy a car earlier this year too?).. So yeah, we were not exactly the best candidates to buy a house either..

So anyways, since we decided to move on from Graham's schooling and start looking for a career that didn't require a bachelor's degree, we had to adjust our expectations for a house. First of all, we wouldn't be able to afford as much as we thought we could. Second, I couldn't get everything I wanted in a house (i.e. a great big kitchen, big master suite, and lots of space for guests). Third, we had to decide which house features were the most important to us. Our list of wants included the following:

• an affordable house in general, 
• a big backyard (Graham's request--not mine), 
• a spot outside where Graham could put a basketball hoop, 
• a kitchen with enough space for more than one person to cook in, 
• good schools nearby, 
• a room where we could exercise without restraint. 

Finally, we had to re-think about where we could actually buy a house that met our requests. The different areas in our county vary widely in price, depending on the proximity to the ferries to Seattle, or waterfront properties. The first thing we did was finding a geographic region in the Puget Sound area that has affordable houses yet is in a good school district. Certain areas were out, because the high schools were awful (yes, we are thinking that far ahead), or the neighborhoods were spotty. So, we finally settled on an area right outside the county lines. Oddly enough, we are moving to the same town my ancestors settled in after moving from Iceland and Canada. It is a beautiful area of land, on a peninsula on a peninsula (you'd have to look at a map to know what I'm truly saying--Puget Sound is kind of complicated). You have to cross a land-bridge to get there, so it feels like you're going on a vacation when you cross it just to get home.

Anyways, after semi-deciding which area we wanted to look for houses, I signed up on the Redfin app, and saved some of my favorites. Of course, the website/app is smart enough to send you reminders when new houses in your desired area and price range are put on the market. In November, I noticed a house that was newly remodeled and had an open house that weekend. I showed it to Graham, and casually mentioned the open house. We went after church and fell in love with this house. Of course, it's not perfect (who can afford a perfect house the first time around anyways?), but we started asking the real estate agent what to do if we were interested in the house. She recommended contacting a lender she works with that is located north of Seattle. So, from there.. we got started.

We were almost positive we wouldn't qualify for anything as we thought our debt to income ratio would be too high. So we said to the lender, "We're not sure we can qualify for anything, but we want to run some numbers just to see if we can.." I don't know how many of you are familiar with USDA home loans.. I for sure wasn't before moving up here. Much of the land up where we live is considered to be "rural" and qualifies for USDA home loans. First of all, there are income limits for family sizes (which luckily, we meet), and most importantly, you can put 0% down on a house with no PMI. That's the biggest thing. If you cannot save up 20% of your home purchase price, you need to pay PMI (mortgage insurance), which jacks up your monthly payment a couple hundred dollars. So, USDA loans are amazing if you qualify for one! It would've taken us forever to finish paying off our debts and save up 20% for a down payment at the same time.

So, the loan process was the worst part. Daily, we got e-mails like, we need this paperwork filled out, we need an explanation of why your income isn't at high as it should have been, what are your daycare expenses and why don't you have any, etc. We also had to explain old collections from like 2008, like when Graham had an unpaid speeding ticket that we didn't remember and an old lost library book. I was like I have no clue what this $108 collection bill in 2009 was. Plus, since Graham didn't have a job for a bit while he was in school, we actually had to obtain his transcripts to prove that he was in school and to provide somewhat of a "work history" during that time frame. It was form after form after form. Luckily, the mortgage company people were very helpful and had timely communication with us.

Then, the appraisal came in slightly lower than what we had offered for the house. USDA loans won't pay for much more than what the home is appraised at, so that was a problem. Thankfully, the seller came down to the appraisal price, which was pretty fair in my opinion. Then, the USDA loan paperwork had to be processed during the holidays (it was put in on the day after Christmas), which set it back a couple of days. Now, we are approved, and ready to close on January 20th. I know we have a lot more papers to sign with escrow and all that, but other than that, everything is set to go. The entire process has been exhausting, crazy, mind-blowing, and full of anxiety. The crazy thing is that everything has all been working out for us, and our mortgage will only be ~$50 more than our current rent payment (yeah, I know there are extra expenses like taxes and insurance, but still).

I am still in shock that we are going to be homeowners after what seems like forever. I see all these young 20-somethings buying houses and I'm all like, really? You're ready for that?? This has been our dream for a long time, and we are getting most of the things we want. Plus, there's room to grow and improve. Our life is finally moving along its course. Finally. We are set to close today!

FYI, I did not receive any compensation from Compass to blog about my story. I just wanted to be a part of their project!

Seven Years

So, today, it has been seven very eventful years of marriage to Graham.

I seriously cannot believe that it has been that long. Cliche or not, the past seven years have flown by (or crawled by in some instances). I swear, it was honestly yesterday that I was saying yes to marry Graham (we don't say "I do" in the marriage ceremony in the LDS temple).

I remember bawling my eyes out yet also listening to my stomach growl embarrassingly loud during the 3 PM (? is it weird I don't remember the actual time we got married) sealing ceremony.

I remember my panic and anxiety attacks pre-engagement.

I remember our first kiss in a church parking lot after seeing Spiderman 3 with friends.

I remember our first real date during the Cinco de Mayo festival on the Portland waterfront.

I remember saying I love you for the first time under the stars on the Oregon Coast.

And so many other moments in the meantime.. But I'm not going to go through all of the high- and low-lights of the almost eight years we've been together. I'm here to talk about what I've learned and felt.

Seven years is really not that much time in the long-term perspective, but in a 30-something's life span, it sure seems like a lot, especially considering that I got through college and grad school in the same amount of time.. And I changed and learned a lot during that time of my life. Although I gained a substantial amount of knowledge during my college years, I still lacked understanding of relationships and love. Marriage is one of the best teachers and motivators of change for personal lives (as long as you're willing to learn and change).

Graham has taught me, intentionally or not, about the power of forgiveness in personal relationships. Sure, there may be instances in which a personal relationship should be ended when offense has been given, but forgiveness can be utilized even in situations where irreparable harm has been done. Forgiveness has been given to us by God to truly free us from entanglements and resentments. When exercised to its full potential, we can move on, be free again to love others, and not be weighed down by our past. I never considered myself to be a particularly forgiving person, as I clearly remember when people have hurt my feelings or did wrong against me. But, after all I've been through, I feel like I can forgive people of their trespasses, little and big. Someone called me a "saint" for getting back together with Graham, but I don't even come close to meeting that description (HA). Marriage is fraught with interpersonal conflict, hurtful things done/said, and little annoying things that build up into big frustrations. By holding on to old hurts, pains, and resentments, it can cloud your view of your spouse and forever taint anything good or new they ever do. If you're always looking at your spouse with poop-colored glasses, you'll just forever be dissatisfied. Nothing your spouse will say or do will ever be right. Without regular acts of forgiveness, true love within a marriage is not possible.

Graham has taught me about honest, true love, and what that means as a married person. It does not mean that we will be blissfully happy and walking on clouds every day/month/year of our life. It doesn't mean that we will always be able to make each other happy. Sometimes, our relationship will feel more like work than love (or more work than fun). I don't get butterflies when my husband enters the room (I saw someone post that and I kind of rolled my eyes a little). Sometimes I want to wring his neck for doing something stupid. But, you know what actually makes me happiest and makes me love him the most? Serving my husband.. Doing something nice for him that he doesn't expect. Doing something for him that he truly appreciates. Giving him space to enjoy the things he loves (i.e. sports), no matter how much they annoy me. True love to me is when Graham wakes up early to start my car outside in the cold every morning.. without me ever asking. Love is feeling like home when I'm with him, no matter where we are. Of all the guys I've ever been with, I've never wanted to be with someone so much.. All day. Every day.

Graham has taught me how to be honest, in a hard way, I guess. I needed to learn how to be truthful to myself and to others about my feelings and intentions. It wasn't only with his issues, but mine as well. I am not a saint, nor will I ever be. I am trying every day to be a better person, and to be true to who I am and who I could be. When you're married, you can no longer hide your flaws and only put your best face forward. Your spouse can see everything about you--your weaknesses, frailties, your strengths, your kindness, your mean streak. And yet, they still choose to love you even though you are just a human.  Honesty is being you, the whole, imperfect yet still lovable you.

Graham has to taught me to be kind, and not just to your spouse. I never knew anybody like Graham that could be so nice to other people and yet still be able to understand my sarcasm. He has the empathy that a kind person has, and yet still can tease people. He offers to help people all of the time. He is nice even when I don't think he should be. He is such a good example to me of someone trying to be Christlike and loving to others. I was definitely not blessed with that trait, but I'm glad I married someone who did. His inherent kindness has even tempered my sarcasm and cynicism, something I never thought possible (me--the sassy teenage girl who once bragged she could make fun of any one at any time).

Anyways, marriage is slowly helping me become a better person by learning to forgive, be honest, and to truly love others. It's been a learning process, with some major growing pains for sure. At times, I've seriously questioned if he really was the right one to marry, especially considering the trials we've been through. And really, now that it's been done, why does it matter if it was the right decision or not? I've made the commitment to God, to Graham, and to my family, and now I need to live with my choices, for better or for worse. I'm not unhappy with my choice..in fact, right now, I am pretty damn happy with my choice. I couldn't have picked someone better for me. He loves me, and I see it whenever I look into his eyes. And because he has loved me, I will never be the same. (Oh boy, this is now teetering on the edge of being totally corny. Now busting out Celine Dion: I'm everything I am because you loved me.)

Here's to another anniversary and many more..

God will never let me be successful..

I don't know how many of you are as big Seinfeld fans as we are, but we know many quotes and watch the whole 9 seasons at least once per year. One thing that always makes us laugh is Graham's likeness to George Costanza in many ways. Graham may not be stocky like George, but he has other similarities (**cough cough balding cough cough short**).

--Graham has eaten out of the trash like George.
--Graham has to do the opposite of his natural instincts sometimes, like George.
--Let's not forget that Graham had to move back in with his parents for a little bit, like George.
--He also has had many many things go wrong for him, like George.

Related to that last one, our married life has often been a comedy of errors, with everything seeming to go wrong for us (like the day when Graham wrecked someone's ATV and I also washed his new Blackberry in the washing machine).. Or in Hawaii when Graham left his cell phone at the Dole Plantation, I left my cell phone at Sephora, and Graham went swimming/snorkeling with the rental car key in the pocket of his swim trunks.

And now, things are actually going suspiciously well.. Well enough for Graham to say something to the effect of, "God will never let me be successful", like George said in Seinfeld. It's not like we actually believe that, but our luck has never been great (related to coincidence or choices, I guess)..

We have several bits of good family news:

--Graham got a new job. And in fact, it's not just a new job--it's actually a career. He is currently going through a very strenuous and intense hiring process. I won't give too many details, but it's a stable government job, with lots of benefits and potential. It doesn't start out at high as if Graham has been hired on as an engineer, but definitely better than where he's working now. There are some negatives, but we will deal with them as they come (more on that later). Anyways, we are beyond excited for this opportunity. However, this does mean that we will pretty much live in this area forever.

--The even bigger news. This has been my dream for the longest time.. We are officially in the process of buying a house! Once we decided Graham wasn't going to finish his engineering degree, we had to be a little more realistic about where we could afford a house. That limited our selection a bit more, especially when it came to finding a house in a good school district. The schools around here are awful (well, maybe not all of them), so we found an area we like in a good school district a bit farther away.. The bad thing is that it will make my commute to about 25-35 minutes each way. Graham will be able to do a Park-and-Ride parking lot with a bus ride to work. So yeah, we are getting a USDA loan with an amazing deal on a renovated semi split-level home on a cul-de-sac. It has mostly everything that we were looking for, and I am so happy to finally have a place to call home. We should close by the middle of January and be moved before February 1st.

We are just sooooo happy that things are going well for us--FINALLY. Pray for us that everything goes well for Graham's hiring process and our USDA loan approval.

Otherwise known as... My Unglamorous Life

I wanted to blog tonight about something, but I couldn't really think of exactly what I wanted to talk about. My blog is kind of all over the place, anyways, as I talk about widely varied topics such as my crazy but boring life, makeup and beauty, and nutrition and fitness. Graham is working until midnight tonight, so I have the house all to myself (kinda) until then. Carter is asleep and I have a lovely can of Diet Pepsi at my side.

It has been a looooooooong week. Our hospital just adopted a new electronic medical record system (EPIC, if any of you readers work in health care) on Sunday, so I worked a full week last week, I was on-call last Saturday, and I just worked 50+ hours this last week from Sunday through today. Stick a freaking fork in me. I'm done. I'm still getting used to the new system and getting a more efficient work flow. The biggest problem was that the analysts only gave us access in the system to look at diet orders and allergies, like we were kitchen workers (which, I'm sure, most people think that's what Registered Dietitians do anyways). This was a problem for TWO FULL DAYS at work. So, I got paid for two days in which I didn't do any real work. If any of you follow me on Instagram, you'd have noticed I did a Barre3 workout in my office on Monday. My co-worker was cracking up the entire time while I was doing lunges, squats, and arabesques in our tiny sardine can-sized office. We also watched the movie Memento on Netflix while they fixed the problem.

Sigh. I was on the phone with my mom on Wednesday night, in which I mentioned that we hoped Graham's car would last us another six months so we could buy a new car then. And guess what call I received an hour later? Graham's car died on the freeway. His car is an old, beat up Honda Civic with multiple dents, a taped up window, and rimless tires. I'd put up a picture of this POS, but I don't want all of you to get jealous of what an amazing and glamorous car I get to ride in. Anyways, we had to jump it twice for it to make it another mile to a friend's house. The car is only worth maybe $300 to a junk yard, and the repairs would be $250, so we don't think it'd be worth it to invest more in the POS. So, we are car shopping tomorrow. We need a dependable sedan with good gas mileage that's affordable. We don't have a real plan, other than considering a possible lease with Nissan or Chevy. We will see. I'm not excited because I was more excited to pay off debt--not incur more!

Speaking of my sexy and glamorous life, my co-worker and I had a good conversation today about what real life is and how people can ruin it with their big expectations of what they think their lives will be like. We were talking about the show "Say Yes to the Dress" on TLC, where women spend $5000+ on wedding dresses for one day. We were specifically talking about the women who go in for a $3000 dress but end up trying on a dress over $10000, love the expensive dress, and somehow talk their family into buying it for them. I just think that's setting them up for disappointment of what life is really going to be like, especially marriage. I kinda grew up thinking once I got married, trials wouldn't be as hard. What a joke. Marriage and life are not fairy tales in which everything you wish comes true. Sure, I'm a little jaded and cynical, but I consider myself to be a bit more realistic than anything. A true marriage is not glamorous. It is coming home to the same person every day, dealing with little annoying and mundane things like honey, why the hell can you not leave your shaving cream and eye drops on your side of the sink?, and of course, the big, glaring problems that I've gone through. If you think your husband is always going to treat you like the princess you think you are, then you have some serious growing up to do.

This also made me think of my sister's friend who flew to Hawaii from California for the weekend just to be proposed to. I was like, seriously?? As if getting engaged isn't exciting and wonderful enough, you have to be in Hawaii for a day or two just to pop the question?? I said, the rest of her life is just going to be a disappointment if this is what she thinks her life is going to be like. What is her first childbirth going to be like? Is she going to pull a Jessica Simpson and request a renovation and special room in the hospital for herself, surrounded only by the most beautiful flowers in a spa-like setting? Will her child only drink the finest breast milk? (Sorry, I had to quote Chappelle Show.) Every event in life will not be amazing. If you think life will be this way, you really will be unsatisfied. I cannot emphasize this enough.

If I thought this way, my life would be extremely unfulfilling right now. I mean, honestly, my life is pretty dang boring and kind of sucks sometimes. I see my husband when I'm awake for about 10 minutes a day. I have six hours of toddler time, in which we build LEGO's, read Pete the Cat books incessantly, and play with trains or construction trucks. I make dinner every night, for which I am never thanked by my child. I practically have to bribe him every night just to eat the food that he doesn't appreciate. I get maybe six hours of sleep because I get up at 4:55 AM every day, but if I want to talk to my husband at all, Graham gets home at 10:35 PM every night. Ugh. I am truly exhausted as I type this. Anyways, I am happy with my life, because I don't expect my life to be amazing, glamorous, or even fun all the time. As I've been reading, life is often full of suffering, and I've come to embrace that.

Why I stayed..

Sometimes, I wonder why I am where I am in life... Why have my decisions led me to this current place (literal and figurative)? Is this just for my personal growth or is it all coincidental or consequential?

I didn't really give much background into why we made some alterations in our life plans, but some of it was related to things that happened last summer, and some stuff from like 4 or 5 years ago. Obviously, not stuff I'm going to share, but anyways.. When I think about some things that my husband did, I honestly want to wring his neck. It's so frustrating to be so mad at your spouse for things that have happened a long time ago, and not get adequate resolution about the old problems. I have forgiven him for many things, but man oh man, some of these things make me want to slap him silly...And just to clarify, I do not advocate domestic abuse (even in jest). I've made some mistakes where I've felt the same way about myself.

But, I continue to love him and stay with him. Even he asks me why I do.. why I continue to accept his faults and love him through all of these problems. When this issue came up back in 2009, he was very depressed, and I wrote him a letter that he kept in his wallet. It detailed all of the reasons why I loved him. He still has it, apparently. He also did the same for me for Mother's Day last year after this all went down, and I keep it at home.

So, to be a little sappy, and to remind myself and my followers of why I'm still married (and happily so), I'm writing a list of why I love my husband (I'll try to keep this appropriate, *wink wink*):

• He honestly makes me laugh. Every day. He's silly, he's clever, he's a little sarcastic but sometimes cheesy.. I love it. His sense of humor perfectly complements mine.
• He takes me seriously. He's not one of these men who shakes their head bemusedly about their "crazy wife". He tries to understand what I'm feeling.
• He does the dishes every day without complaint.
• I love the way he tells me every day that he loves me. That I'm attractive. That I'm enough..
• He's such a great dad. Honestly. He gets down and plays with Carter. Carter absolutely adores him. I love seeing Graham as a father, and seeing him lead our family. I could go on and on about this, but I won't.
• He's very supportive with my activities and hobbies.
• He kisses me on the neck romantically.
• He loves me even with all my faults and mistakes. I have never doubted how much he loves me.
• He allows me to be myself. There have only been a few people with whom I've truly been 100% myself, and he's one of them.
• He wakes up and gets out of bed every morning just to turn my car on and get it warm before I get in the car.
• I love him for the man he is and the man he can be. I can't just love him for the best he can be--I also need to love him even through his worst times.
• He doesn't mind me teasing him (or annoying him, depending on the day).
• He's very personable and friendly.
• He's like the only person that I know that I can be with 24/7 and never get sick of him.
• He gets me. He understands my point of view. 
• I love that he is actually creative, partly because I don't have a creative bone in my body. Not only can he tell crazy spontaneous stories to Carter, but he also composes his own music. One of my favorite things to do is lay down and listen to him play his own re-mixes and original music on the piano.

Anyways, I love him more than anything.. I want to make things work because he is my wonderful, loving husband, and couldn't imagine life without him now.

One Full Year

It has been one full year since Graham and I separated, and life has kind of come around full circle.

It's been interesting going through my old blogs during the hardest time of my life. I'm sure some people thought I was crazy blogging about such personal events, but it was really therapeutic and it has a good reminder of the hell I've been through.. the tears, the disappointment, fear, jealousy.. you name it.. I felt it.

I remember going through the first few months of our separation, I was set on divorce as practically the only option. I had a date set in my mind: May 2014.. The time that it'd be official. This was also the date that Graham would've initially graduated from college, so it was symbolic in a way. But then, as the months went on, my thoughts and feelings changed about my options and future. I mean, I committed to this guy for eternity, right.. through thick and thin, better and worse.. no matter how fundamentally flawed he is.

But something I've come to realize myself is that I'm just as flawed as he is.. just in different ways. I can't expect perfection from him when I can't do the same. Just because someone's sins and imperfections are more obvious than someone else's doesn't make them a worse person. Anxiety and depression are very real to me. Just because I don't suffer from a mental illness doesn't mean I can't try to understand my husband better, and at least try to relate to him.

Anyways, Graham has been back for almost five months now.. And although there have been some major bumps along the way, there has been much joy as well. Anxiety (for both of us)--yes. Fear--yes. Frustration--yes. Happiness--yes. It honestly makes me cry to think of our family apart.. how close we almost came to losing everything. There is such a huge difference in Carter's countenance when we are all together, especially since we flip-flop Carter during the days and evenings. He is so much happier.

Even though things can be hard sometimes, we can always find joy and happiness in our struggles. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is real. Every pain, every fear, every trial, every weakness.. can be made better through Him. When people ask me how I got through this, I honestly have no idea. I'm pretty sure the only way I was able to get through last year is because He carried me along the way. For those of you that don't have the same beliefs as me, you know what power and strength it gives you to have faith in a higher power.. to know that there's a greater purpose.. and to know that there's someone who cares about me more than I could imagine.

So yeah, it has been quite the eventful year. I've gained friends, lost friends, joined a gym, learned more about myself, gone on vacation with a toddler solo multiple times on a plane, and gained a greater appreciation for forgiveness and marriage. Can't say I'd like to re-live this year ever again.

And if you're not familiar with my saga: here are some of the links to previous blog posts.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13.

Watch out ladies..

Carter's on the prowl!

So, Carter's favorite new movie is our wedding video. He loves watching it, and will even watch it more than once. I didn't think too much of it, until he started talking about getting married himself.

One of our friend's daughters (Cora) is a year older than Carter, and they've played together a couple of times over the past few years, but not a lot of times or anything.. But, apparently she's made quite the impact on him.

"When I get bigger, Cora and I are going to get married!"

"When we get bigger, Cora and I are going to kiss! She's going to dress up like a princess and we'll get married!"

I can't even tell you how long I laughed at the last statement. Seriously, so hilarious. So, that's what weddings are like to a three year-old, huh?

I texted my friend and warned her that her husband may have to get out his shotgun..  ;)

Life... Ugh

I cannot believe I've somehow waited almost another month before blogging again. I swear, it doesn't feel like I wrote the last one THAT long ago. Time just kind of slips by, doesn't it?

Anyways, I've been meaning to do a family update for some time now. Carter is almost three and a half, and is seriously growing up way too fast. He says the funniest things, and is really the cutest little guy I know. He is very clever and witty, especially for a three year-old. He loves to run, play with trucks and trains, and is a total daddy's boy. Now, though, that we have 6-hour long stretches alone together at night, he has grown more attached to me. He is still pretty little (about 27 pounds, < 5th percentile), but he's finally picking up in height. He's finally wearing size 3T clothing, and even starting to grow out of those pants in height as well! He is a fairly obedient child, as long as we are being consistent in our parenting. If we set a timer for bedtime, nap time, etc, he will usually do it with no whining. His favorite time of the day is story time at bedtime, so if he doesn't want to brush his teeth, he is at risk of losing that.. so he almost never protests. He can sight-read a couple of simple words (mom, dad, dog, etc), and knows all of his letters and sounds. He is very playful, and likes to tease. He often says "I'm just messing with you.." (Obviously, something that is said very often in our house.) He's not very athletic, much to our disappointment and surprise. Graham and I are both fairly athletic and competitive people, so we'd hoped our kids would be the same. However, Carter CAN hit a ball from a tee, but he runs slow (he runs a LOT, just slow). Maybe it's because he's so small. Either way, Graham is thinking of ways to try to make him more athletic.

Let me give you an example of how clever he is:
Graham: "Carter, get your feet off that plate!"
Carter: "Ok!"
He takes his feet off the plate, but puts his left foot back on the plate.
Graham: "Carter, I told you to get your feet off the plate!"
Carter: "My FEET aren't on the plate. My FOOT is on the plate!"

Another:
Carter: "Daddy, don't do that! Don't put that there!"
Graham: "Carter, you can't tell me what to do."
Carter: "I'm not telling you what to do.. I'm telling you what NOT to do."

So anyways, Graham has been working in the evenings from 3-10 PM, 4 days a week. This means he drops Carter off at my work at 2:30PM, and I take him home for the rest of the night. I work at 6 AM almost every day now, which sucks, but it's something I have to do for my family. Carter was going to daycare for 2.5 hours 4 days a week, and full-time for one day a week. This means I am a single mom most nights of the week, which sucks. When Graham and I were separated, I dealt with this by going to the gym almost every night. Now that I've changed my workout schedule and have gone back to working out at home 3 nights a week, I've had to deal with this "single parent" situation a lot more. I can't say it's fun. I totally admire single parents. It has been super hard for me.

And, if you noticed, I said Carter WAS in daycare. And now, as of today.. he no longer is.

What is the change, you ask..

Well, we've made a very difficult life decision. If any of you faithful readers remember, Graham and I found out that that he'd have to be in school for at least three more years from last August to finish his bachelors degree in Engineering. At that time, we had a very lengthy discussion about if it was going to be worth it to continue on. I told him I'd be supportive in whatever he chose. I suggested thinking about a different path, perhaps a trade school or something, but Graham said he wanted to continue moving forward. But now, we've finally come to the decision that Graham is going to change his course and stop pursuing a bachelors degree in engineering. It's not that he's not smart enough to do it.. it's just not the right fit for what he needs. He will continue working at his evening job until he gets accepted into a program that meets his needs. There's a naval shipyard in our area that is hiring hundreds of "helper" and apprentice jobs that will be trained and educated in a certain trade and shop, whether it's as a welder, machinist, etc. There's no hurry right now, but he's applying for positions this week.

So, Graham will be home with Carter during the day, and work in the evening. I will work during the day and Carter will be home with me in the evening. I have felt for a long time that this would be a better position for him.. working in a shop, with his hands.. We just continued along the BS in Engineering route because that's what I thought he needed as a man to feel good about himself. But, since school isn't the right fit for him, I think a career that is fulfilling that pays adequately (no, we're not talking about 100K jobs here) will be enough. Yes, I will probably work for the rest of my life.. and that's ok. I'm educated and I like my job enough to keep doing it. And no, we will probably not have a big family. I'm getting old, and we can't afford another one for a while.

It's been an extremely emotional day or so, and we've let our parents know what's going on. It's been disappointing, relieving, exciting, stressful.. many many emotions.. We've cried way more than we should. Again, it's our lives, and some of you may think our decisions may not be right (and we've heard and thought both ways), but we are moving on. Whew. I'm still emotional as I type this.

2014 Family Update

So, I got home from work today at 4:15 PM or so.. It is 5:15, and Carter is still napping. I know he's due to wake up any time now, so I'm tip-toeing around the house, hoping Carter will stay asleep a little bit longer..

Anyways, I've been posting about some superficial things lately, like makeup, shopping, wedding gifts, etc, and I haven't really blogged about the more real things in my life. (But can I mention one more thing--the MAC makeup lady at the counter introduced me to this product called Prep+Prime Skin Enhancer in Neutralize, and it is amazing. As many of you know, or don't know, I was blessed with very good skin. It's a family thing. We may not be thin, but we have awesome skin. Anyways, even though I have good skin, I don't usually go makeup free because my skin's color is a little uneven. Without wearing a heavy foundation, which is cakeface gross to me and would totally cover up my freckles, I couldn't seem to improve the uneven skin tone. So yeah, this product totally evens out my red cheeks and makes me look like I hardly even need makeup. It is my new dream product!)

2014 has started out a little rocky. As I've said and hinted at, I've had some major stress and drama from work that has spilled over into my personal life. It's been giving me some major anxiety. I stopped eating for like a week, and I even got down to my lowest weight since Graham and I separated. It's been rough, to say the least. I hate that I can't share more, but it's pretty personal. I know what you're thinking--what the hell, Sherri. You blogged about your separation.. what's the big deal? But, because this is the Internet with all kinds of people reading my blog, I never know who or where this story could reach. Plus, I didn't share many details of my separation. Anyways, this has made life kind of miserable at the moment.. and I can't even resolve it now.

Despite this drama, however, I haven't been this happy at home in a LOOOOOONG time. Honestly, like a year and a half long time. When Graham moved back home, it was a little strange because we had both been living "single" lives and were only accountable to ourselves at night. It's like, I wanted to watch YouTube makeup tutorials and put on makeup before I went to bed without anyone judging me (*cough cough* Graham). He was going to school, working, etc, only coming home to be a husband and dad on the weekends. He didn't want me judging his routines or activities either. So, we needed to adjust to life together again. It was weird. I just can't describe it. Almost like being newly married again. So, the first few weeks, including Christmas vacation, required an attitude adjustment from both of us.

Now, we are finally getting into a groove. Graham got a real job (he was working full-time as a taxi driver at nights until he found a real one) as an attendant/assistant at a group home for mentally disabled handicapped adolescents. It will be a challenging job for sure, but it allows him to work 3-10 PM. I will be working early, from 6 AM - 2:30 PM. Ugh.. but it's all for our good. We'll finally be able to pay off debts. AND, we're still saving money on daycare! So, with all of this going well, and with true honesty and transparency in our home between the both of us, we are getting to a good spot in our relationship. We have our challenging moments (like today when Graham was hangry and responded rudely when I bugged him about his school), but overall, things are great between us. I am happy. There, I said it. It's hard to believe where we've ended up.. and I couldn't be more grateful to everyone who has supported us along the way.

Oh, and now here comes Carter.. at 5:45. Good timing!

Six Months of Separation

So, it's been six months since my life has been turned upside down. Where are we now?

Well, Graham is still down in Portland. Now, he's living on and off with his grandparents to save on gas. He is attending Portland State, re-taking some of the classes he failed. He is working a couple of jobs, including janitorial work and working with Engineering for Kids. He is doing fairly well, but misses us terribly.

Carter is doing ok. He misses his dad a lot. He cries for daddy whenever I say no to what he wants. I have to say, "Sorry, Carter, I know you want an apple at 2:30 AM, but your daddy still wouldn't give you one even if mommy says no." (This for real happened two nights ago.) He also is going through a stage where he likes me to "hold him like a baby", and he'll even say "mama" like a baby.. It makes me a little sad, because I think this is one of the ways he is dealing with the separation.

I am doing ok. I've come to terms with what has happened, and what can happen. There is still fear, still a lack of trust, but I have hope. I have hope that people can change. I have hope that things will be ok in the end (wherever that may be). I have hope that we can build a better, more trusting relationship that is completely open about who we are and what we are. It is not going to be easy. It never will be. We are humans with many flaws and imperfections. With our faith in Jesus Christ, and some hard work, I think we can make it. And, if we don't.. at least we tried.

So, if things work out, Graham may move back home in January. There will be ground rules set: a job, a set school schedule, responsibilities at home, verification of activities, etc. Things have to fall back into place for this to work out (a job being the foremost responsibility), but this is our tentative plan. There are fall-back plans, so we'll see how things work out.

I know some people think I'm crazy. I know, it definitely feels that way at times. I can't believe that I've landed at this conclusion, especially when I look back at where I've come from.  When this first happened, I remember my mom telling me to pray, lots of praying. I distinctly remember saying, "But I don't want to pray about this, because I'm afraid of what the answer may be [i.e. forgiving Graham and trying to make it work]". But yes, I've prayed thousands of times of what I should do, and it has all ended the same way. I know that this is what God wants me to do, even though I have doubted it and even wanted to rebel against it.

However, in a marriage, don't we all take the good with the bad? We all put up with some sort of crap from our spouses.. it's just how much and what you're willing to deal with. Some women couldn't deal with what I've been dealt, and likewise I couldn't deal with what some other women deal with from their spouses.

Anyways, I'd appreciate your support in this matter, especially if I know you personally. I know what the risks are. Trust me. I've lived this. I've had nightmares. But, I don't need to hear you voicing those fears. This is my life, my decision, my marriage, and my family. Whatever happens, that remains to be seen. Either way, I'm seeing it out until the end.

My spiritual side

So, as many of you may or may not know, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (a.k.a. I'm "Mormon"). I was born and raised in the church, but my activity in the church has been spotty at times. Although I avoided church, especially when I went to BYU, I never faltered in my testimony of Jesus Christ and what He has done for the world (and me).

With that said, if you don't feel like reading on, feel free to close the blog and come back on a less serious day. And really, I don't feel like debating any doctrine or beliefs, so I'm blocking comments on this post.

As a completely unrelated side note, I am listening to "Life and Death", a piano and orchestra song that is featured in the show LOST. This particular version is played by Paul Cardall, who is also Mormon. I consider it my muse when I'm writing something serious. Graham also used to play beautiful piano re-mixes of this song.

Anyways, we as a religion definitely have some doctrinal peculiarities, particularly ones that have heavily influenced my thoughts that I will voice today. One of which that I will discuss is the concept of The Fall (of Adam and Eve). We believe that Adam and Eve first lived in the Garden of Eden, in a state of innocence, having no sorrow or joy. When Adam and Eve partook of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, they became "as gods, knowing good from evil". They also were banished from the Garden, becoming subject to death, having to work by the sweat of their brows, and bearing children. One particular part of the scriptures that stuck out to me was the fact that the Lord cursed the ground, and allowed thorns and thistles to grow, to somewhat force Adam and Eve to work for their food and living, unlike in the Garden of Eden where plants grew easily.

So, why is this one random part of doctrine stuck in my mind?

Let me remind you of Mormons' belief in eternal marriage. The thing about our church is that we believe that Joseph Smith restored the ancient Christian religion set forth by Jesus Christ, including the Priesthood, which is the power of God given to men on Earth. Our belief in this sets us apart because we believe that by the power of the Priesthood, we have the power to bind a marriage on Earth and in Heaven. So, when someone gets married (or "sealed") in the temple, the man and woman, as well as their progeny, are sealed together forever. Even though it seems like us Mormons get married young and commit to marriage quickly, most of us take our temple marriages very seriously. (However, not all Mormons get married or sealed in the temple, in case you're wondering.)

So, not only do I have a strong belief in the covenant or promise that I've made with God and with Graham, our marriage "priest" (or otherwise known as "sealer" in the temple) mentioned "The Fall" in our marriage ceremony. Let me preface this that every single "sealing" I've been to in the temple has been different. Usually, the sealer will talk to the couple, quote some scripture, say some inspiring things, and then get down to the ceremony (which is the couple kneeling across the altar from each other). It's only 20-30 minutes total. Our sealer talked to us about marriage being like The Fall of Adam and Eve, meaning there is a time of innocence in marriage, not knowing the true difficulties of marriage... otherwise known as the honeymoon period. And then, there's The Fall. Reality sets in. Marriage isn't easy. Conflicts arise. Imperfections are made clearer. The difficult thing about marriage it that it is made up of two imperfect people. And then when you add in children, life becomes much more difficult.

Graham and I easily relate to each other. Our relationship, although fraught with lies at times, comes easily to us. We don't argue, although we may get upset at the other person's decisions. We calm each other down when the other person is stressed or angry. We balance each other out well. For the first two years of our marriage, I was in complete bliss. Blissful ignorance, I guess. I had no idea what was going on with Graham, and I never doubted a single word he said. Then, when the truth came out in 2009 that he was lying and had other problems, I considered that to be the Fall. I then knew my husband was imperfect. We had our bad moments in the past 3.5 years, but we had some amazing times. I just remember times when my family and my home were my life. There was no place I'd rather be than at home with Graham and Carter. The few months prior to Graham's reveal in April.. I didn't feel like that. Things were different.

And now, I feel like I finally know my husband.. the whole person. Not just the side of him that he wanted me to see. Things aren't easy in our relationship. He has some serious anxiety, which causes him to act the way he does sometimes. He's trying to be 100% transparent with me, in his activities and everything he does while he lives with his parents. I still feel crazy at times with periods of paranoia and anxiety. I worry about him, whether or not he's telling the truth. I worry about a lot of things about him. Instead of letting this consume me, I go on with my life, acknowledging that he still can lie to me about things, but that it will all be revealed in the end, sooner or later. Our relationship is more strained, obviously, because there are physical and emotional barriers between us. And isn't this relationship and its complications more like the thorns and weeds that weren't found in the Garden of Eden, but instead were found in the lone and dreary world? I mean, I still have a choice to accept this as my fate, but I definitely feel like our sealer was inspired to use this counsel for us in our marriage ceremony.

But, one more practice that is unique to our religion would be patriarchal blessings. Like I previously stated, we believe that we have the Priesthood here on this Earth, which allows us to receive (and give) special blessings to members and non-members of our church, depending on a person's faith.. just like Jesus Christ did. A patriarchal blessing can be likened as a guidebook for a member's life and choices, depending on a person's faith. Anyways, I won't say much about my own blessing, but mine tells me to "accept the negative aspects of life", and that I will have much joy, but also experience temptations and many trials of faith. Obviously, this is the biggest trial that I have experienced so far. And yes, I have to accept that my husband has some serious issues, and whether or not I want to accept him and HIS negative aspects is still something I have to decide.

Sometimes you just need to cry

Carter is down with Graham for the holiday and long weekend, so I have some alone time. I always feel more vulnerable and emotional when I'm completely alone at home.

So, Carter's horse story made me tear up a little bit last week.. but I really haven't cried a lot in some time. I've felt a little numb at times, but not tearful. Last Friday though, I broke down. You know, I've read articles about how Facebook can make your life seem more lame and boring, and how you can always be comparing your life to others, especially since you tend to browse Facebook when you're bored. So, I was Facebook-ing late at night alone, looking at pictures of friends' happy families, wedding or anniversary announcements, comparing my life to others, and I burst into tears. Tears of frustration, anger, loneliness, despair came pouring out of me, and I tried to bury my face into my mattress just to stop the tears. Eventually, I was able to calm down and realize that my life is not actually terrible, just temporarily awful.

So, today, I dropped off Carter at Graham's house, which definitely made me sad. I barely got any sleep last night, and I'm getting a cold, so my emotional fuse was short. I had no patience, no empathy, and definitely was quick to anger. Anyways, I was in the gym's locker room after a workout, and I burst into tears just thinking about Carter. Carter is honestly the sweetest, most easygoing, just the best kid I've ever met.. and I have the opportunity to be his mom! But, I just fear that we are damaging this precious little spirit we were sent. Not only does Carter want his daddy back, but Carter really wants his mom and dad together. Carter tells me stories about animals missing their daddies, while he tells Graham stories (when he's visiting at his house) about mom and dad animals being together. When Graham came and visited last weekend, he came and kissed me on the cheek in the kitchen. Carter was sitting at the table, eating his breakfast, while his eyes were completely fixed on us with just the biggest and happiest smile on his face. It just breaks my heart that it has to be this way.

Here's us at the beach..

 

And, here's my most favorite picture of father and son.



What's Yours?

This is going to be short entry tonight. My workout did a lot of shoulder and thigh work, so I am feeling pretty weak. I had to cut Carter's bath short because I felt like a limp noodle trying to wash his hair.

Anyways, I've been thinking about this kind of random topic a lot over the past few weeks. A friend at work was talking to me and a nurse at work, and when he walked away, the nurse said something about what good people he and his wife are. I, being the comparative woman that I am, wondered what the heck people would say about me. Would people say that I'm a good person?

Which then led me to wonder what would people say my defining characteristic is?

I can tell you what it NOT is: kind, friendly, outgoing, the life of the party..

Here's what I think my good qualities are: I'm clever or witty with words (yeah, I know it may not completely translate to my boring blog), good listener, and good sense of propriety. Nothing too exciting, I guess. Oh, and I guess I'm smart and pretty, but I was just born with those. Hah.

One thing I've learned from my current situation is that even though I tend to be cynical, I like to believe the best in people.

Also, I've learned that my actions are not run by my emotions. I have always been even-tempered. Ask my parents. Even going through puberty, I never had many episodes of mood swings. So, I tend to deal with stress pretty well. Working with people of different temperaments has showed me that I weather stress well. People have repeatedly told me during this whole ordeal that I'm strong, and I honestly didn't believe them, and I had no idea what they meant.. until now. I feel surprisingly emotionally strong undergoing this huge trial.

Anyways, I'm still trying to figure myself out..

But, if you want a little Carter-ism, he has been into making "smiley faces" lately, including with his food and random objects. The best one, was when Graham was changing his diaper, and Carter was butt naked. He made a lip shape with his fingers, and made a smiley face with his butthole as the eyes and nose. "Look, Daddy.. I make a smiley face!"

Honestly, I have no idea about this kid sometimes. I'm pretty sure he's a comedic genius.