What does your love story sound like?

Warning: I'm not a professional writer, and I've had an emotional 24 hours. Bear with me here.

If you were to tell your love story, would there be a specific tone or theme?

Would it be cynical, romantic, comedic, or something else entirely?

Starting out, I would have said our specific theme would be comedic. Graham and I are goofy and silly together. I also would have considered our love story to be romantic. We were and have been at multiple times in our lives completely wrapped up in each other. In our house, if you walk around the corner, you may still find us kissing or hugging each other just because we want to express our love. (We don't do this if we have guests--no need to fear. That would be awkward.)

After 12 years, our love story tone has been altered to add the all-important theme of forgiveness.

Some of you may have easy-to-tell love stories that are pretty smooth, ordinary, loving, but amazing all the same.

But if you know us well, our love story has been anything but smooth. All I wanted in life was to find someone to love and to take care of. I was realistic in my hopes and plans for marriage, knowing that things wouldn't be all roses and never-ending fun. However, I had no idea what I was in for.

You see, Graham has anxiety and depression, as well as some childhood stuff he's been dealing with. He goes through yearly cycles of being fine, making one small mistake, then things snowball from there. In these compromised thought and behavior patterns, he makes poor and illogical decisions that affect those around him.

What is it like to be married to someone with a mental illness? (This is a sensitive topic, I know. But if we don't share, how does it become NOT taboo?)

• I have been a support person and a victim to this behavior. 
• I have participated in multiple therapy sessions.
• I have some emotional PTSD. 
• I get mini panic attacks when one thing slightly out of the ordinary happens.
• I get paranoid when things are going well.
• I have trust issues.
• I have shed a lot of tears.
• I think "what tf were you thinking?" way more than I should.
• I am exhausted from having to be the stable one and carry that emotional load.
• I feel isolated and alone, and I have had moments of deep despair.
• I feel like I'm married to someone who's constantly trying to ruin their own life by making stupid decisions.
• I am waiting for the other shoe to drop... every day of my life.

I have cried during workouts and long car drives, said "I didn't sign up for this", prayed myself to sleep, whined "life isn't fair", and screamed into my pillow. I try to be understanding and forgiving, but I also wonder if I will ever reach the point of giving up.

When Graham and I got back together in 2013, I knew things could happen again. We decided to only have two kids because of the additional stress of the underlying anxiety/depression. I have a hole in my heart where my third child (a boy named Barrett) should be. I work full-time in case things ever go badly. I participate in retail therapy instead of discussing my feelings. I have hoped for the best and prepared for the worst.

This is an incredibly heavy post. If you know me well, I try to make things light-hearted most of the time. This isn't one of those times. I am also trying to open up a little and be more vulnerable. Being vulnerable and open about how I feel is something I never do. All of my life, I have joked around with people to prevent myself from really sharing myself with others. Recently though, I have been more cringingly (is that even a word?) open about how I feel, even though it makes me want to stick a fork in my eye. (Like if you're reading this, and I have told you that I like hanging out with you--I don't normally do that. I would much rather tease you or make fun of you than do that.) Anyways, I wish I could really share more, but it's not my story to tell. But, this IS my love story. And our love story still has yet to be finished.

Thanks for reading. I was going to do my fitness update, but my life was temporarily hijacked.

Life-Changing Revelation

When we were getting ready for bed last night, I told Graham that I had a life-changing revelation today. His first response was, "is this serious, or are you joking about makeup or something ridiculous?"

Ok, so I do joke a lot about important and stupid things... which is kind of what this blog is about.

Maybe you already know this, but it took me 36 years of my life to realize this.. Guys don't like funny girls/women.

Why was this such a shocker for me?? Even as a woman, I personally don't like a lot of female comediennes, but this is different. I like guys with a good sense of humor. I always have. I'm not unique in this trait, but I always assumed that because I found a funny guy attractive, that a guy would also be attracted to me because I am funny.

My journal entries throughout high school and college are filled with the mystified thoughts of why guys didn't like me because I was: 1) smart, 2) funny, and 3) cute. I thought these traits should make me irresistible, right? Some of my journal entries from high school and college are written below:

“I just don’t understand why I am a friend girl to everyone! I thought guys liked funny girls.. 
I thought being myself would help also. However—nothing seems to work!"

 "I just thought guys liked funny girls… 
From my track record, that would be a loud, resounding NO.”

I came to the conclusion in my 20's after I was married that most teenage boys and college guys absolutely do not give an F about #1 and #2. Some might, but most are concerned about looks.

And finally in my 30's, I have realized that most boys/guys/men do not want a woman who is funny in her own right.. and this is backed by science. There are many psychological studies that demonstrate that women find humor attractive in a male, but this is not reciprocated by men. Men find a sense of humor attractive, but it falls under the category of "humor appreciation". This means women who laugh at men's jokes are found to be more attractive. Men find some funny women (especially those with a male or aggressive sense of humor) to be a challenge or a threat, whether it's to their ego or whatever.

#notallmen

The same study states, however, that some men find funny women attractive. These men are usually older, more educated, and have higher self-esteem. Maybe you're a guy and you're reading this, and you're offended by this because you like funny women.. Good for you. More power to you. I like you already.

Also, I wanted to clarify that the study does specify that while men may enjoy jokes from women, they "rarely want to marry them". That's a sad generalization.

As I've gotten older, I've also realized that the kind of humor I employ has an effect on others. I love self-deprecating humor. I make fun of myself a lot, and sometimes I assume others do too... Poor assumption, I know.

Case in point... I was at a young single adult church activity with some friends and some people I had never met before. A guy I had never met was calling a girl to ask her a question about something. She didn't answer, and the guy said, "oh, she missed my call", to which I teasingly responded, "Oh, she's probably just avoiding your call". He gave me a look of death and asked rudely, "Do I know you?" I should have known that joke wouldn't be funny to him--he was a law student. He was much too serious to laugh at himself.

Another example... I was at another church activity. It was field day races, and a cute guy was on my team. We were doing potato sack races, and when our team won, I flirtatiously remarked, "Oh, you must be good in the sack." He laughed nervously, and then never talked to me after that night. Turns out that some Mormon guys are uncomfortable with sexual humor. Awk-ward.

I also learned that sarcasm can be a little funny, but is not really desirable in a long-term relationship. In high school and college, I was probably wayyyy too sarcastic and mean. I had some self-esteem issues that made me insecure (still do actually), and sarcasm was my deflection technique. I dated some sarcastic guys in college, and while they made me laugh, it really wouldn't have worked out. Eventually sarcasm can be mean and degrading from a romantic partner.

Thankfully, I met Graham. While he admits that he was a bit intimidated by me (I am older, funny, and smart), he has enjoyed my humor since we met. To me, Graham has the perfect mix of all my favorite kind of senses of humor: goofy, self-deprecating, and some sexual. He made me less sarcastic and less mean. Is that what love does to humor? Is your sense of humor dependent on your mood and your relationship?

Anyways, I still love to joke with men.. just to mess with them a little bit. I love some good clever and witty banter. But the last thing I'm now wondering about me is if this is considered to be flirting...? I'm going to chew on that for a bit.

I'm willing to say that most of it is based on the situation I'm in. I do joke with my patients at work to make them feel comfortable, but I don't joke flirtatiously (although I'm fairly certain some of my male patients have taken it that way). As far as my interpersonal relationships with men and other friends, I try to be really careful with how I joke because sometimes I take it too far (just ask Graham's family).

When it comes to my sense of humor.. I'm going to leave this journal entry from 2003 to describe how I feel...

“If I wasn’t myself, I don’t know how I’d live. 

If I didn’t find humor in everything, life would seem so bleak.”

I'm too embarrassed to post any photos of me doing totally weird stuff to be funny (I have lots of those), but here's a good example of how me and my roommates tried to be funny and creative in college. 

Dear College Sherri..

So I recently met up with a friend that I had my freshman year of college at BYU. We really haven't seen each other since 2004-2006 (maybe even 2002??) other than Facebook. Both of us now live in the same town after not having seen each other in probably 14+ years.. It is pretty random that we now live in the same town, but that's beside the point..

←←My first day at BYU. Check out the sparkly lilac eyeshadow.



Man oh man was I nervous.. and it really got me thinking.. What was I like at 18/19 years old? What kind of impression did I leave? Am I even the same person that I was then?

Examples of me during my early college years..

Always trying to shake it like Shakira.

I want to clarify that this photo is a satire of Utah fashion. 

I'm not quite sure why we did this with our hands.

Please take note of the hair and choker. So 1990's, yet this was 2002..

You're welcome. The 2000's decade was not good for me fashion-wise (missing is the photo of me in a Juicy Couture velour track suit).

If I went back in time, would I tell myself anything? Would I do something differently? How have I changed?

Well, for starters..

I am essentially the same person half my life later (yes I was 18--18 years ago!).. I am still an introvert, self-conscious, slightly competitive, witty (I've always considered myself to be funny even if you don't), full of social anxiety, even-tempered mood (apparently the formal term is equanimous), kind of lazy, and an overall logical/pragmatic person.

However, I do care less about what people think of me despite being self-conscious. I am more responsible, less judgmental, more empathetic, less attention-seeking, more spiritual, and less sarcastic.

I have been through a lot within the past two decades that has helped me mature. Would I go back and change some things? Absolutely--there are some things I have said and done that make me cringe so hard. But, the experiences that were difficult to get through are what made me who I am today. Hey, I straight-up told a guy friend that I had a crush on him, and he told me he didn't. That was the worst thing ever to 19 year-old me. I made myself vulnerable and really put myself out there, and I was devastated when I was rejected. But the experience taught me that 1) "he's just not that into you if he's not asking you out", and 2) it's ok to be vulnerable sometimes. I also learned that I don't like when a guy serenades me with a guitar. That was a really difficult experience to live through, and it was only 5 minutes of my time in college.

If there is one thing I wish I could tell my late teens, early 20's self is that I will not get married in college. I wasted soooo much time worrying about boys and not about college! My outlook in life during those years would've been much different if I worried about my grades and not my dating life.

Anyways, what if you met someone from your past that you haven't seen in years? Would you revert back to your old self, or do you feel comfortable enough in your own skin as you are today?



Spoiler alert: the blast from the past meet-up went well and wasn't awkward.

Fitness in my 30's

Last night I lay in bed thinking deep thoughts...

How much do I weigh??

Seriously. I haven't weighed myself in what feels like years. I literally got out of bed at 9:30 PM and walked to the kids' bathroom to weigh myself. The numbers were not what I wanted to see, but they weren't the worst I've seen.

So, I've re-committed myself to losing those same 20-25 pounds I lost seven years ago in March 2012.

2011                       2012

I have been exercising steadily for the past 2 years, with some minor breaks for depression and life. I wanted to lose weight by exercising and not watching what I eat. Spoiler alert: it doesn't work that way in your 30's. In your 30's, weight just doesn't fall off your body unless you have some serious medical issues.

Also, you know what doesn't work as well in your 30's? Your body. You can hurt yourself by doing the most simple things. I have injured myself doing stupid things, like my hip kept popping out of joint, I got tennis elbow from working in the yard, and I injured my rotator cuff by trying to get more steps on my Fitbit by doing arm circles instead of steps. Yes, I did try to cheat my FitBit step counter, and I paid for it dearly.

When I lost weight in 2012, I gradually built up my exercise routine and gradually I lost 25 pounds. I didn't eat super healthy, but I also didn't eat super unhealthy. The weight just came off. It felt easy, other than the TurboFire workouts I was doing.

I have been doing the same TurboFire workouts (in the morning--I never thought I could do that!) since August 20th 2018. That is over 7 months of kicking, punching, jumping, and super sweating at 5:30 AM. I thought if I just did hard-core cardio every day, I would just lose weight without trying. HAH. I actually gained 7 pounds over 7 months. Super cool. I wish I had these amazing before and after pictures from doing TurboFire workouts again, but no such luck..

Obviously, I was doing something wrong. I knew in my heart I was eating too many desserts and sweets, but I didn't want to change. My sister introduced me to this super easy caramel popcorn recipe, and I've made it way too many times. I also made these super delicious gooey butter bars during the Seattle Snowpocalypse in February, and I swear I gained 5 pounds over those 5 days. I also bought this amazing Cookie cookbook, and I unfortunately have made wayyyy too many recipes from it.

Graham and I have both committed to eating less treats, me baking less desserts (the dang double oven tempts me to bake more!), and to trying to make fruit-based desserts more (like roasted pears or peaches). He is committing to working out more frequently, and now that I've finished TurboFire for the third time, I'm moving on to online RIPPED workouts and my barre videos.

And, I'm back to weighing myself weekly to keep me accountable. I kept trying to ignore the fact that my pants were slightly tighter than they were... Sigh.

I'm back to where I started 7 years ago--trying to lose 20 pounds. At least this time I'm not starting from scratch. Luckily I have good support, a set routine, and a dedicated workout room to keep me going.

I don't have any recent full body pictures within the past 4 months, so this is it. 😂😂

After Move-In Update

Well, it's been a month since our official move-in date, and I have to say.. I freaking love our house. It was worth all of the pain and stress we have been through. So, to all of you building out there.. it will be over, and it will be worth it.

Things I love most about the new house:

• The location. Yeah, we could've bought a similar size house in a neighborhood for a bit more than we paid for the house... BUT we would be looking into our neighbors' houses every time we looked outside. Now, I see grass, trees, and the Puget Sound out the doors and windows. Plus, we have neighborhood friends with kids of similar ages! My kid can ride his bike down the dirt road to a friend's house. My kids can play outside without worry. We even had a small neighborly bonfire and s'mores last week.
• The private master bedroom. It's tucked into the back corner, and I have to keep my door open to hear the kids at night.
• The kitchen cabinets. Oh my goodness. There is so much storage that the cabinets look almost bare in some instances. I can put pots and pans in separate cabinets, and Tupperware lids and containers on separate shelves. It's magical.
• Space. So much space. We don't have to squish behind another person behind the dining room table anymore. We had 5 additional adults and 3 children over at our house and we still had plenty of room. However, I find I misplace things all the time because now I have too much space.
• The closet. Again, I have more space and organization possibilities than I've ever had. I have my shirts and cardigans organized by sleeve length, shoes by heel height, and even exercise clothes have their own drawers. 
• The heat pump. The summer heat in the Pacific Northwest is only unbearable for a few weeks, but man.. I love having air conditioning at home.
• The feeling of being HOME. We have moved 7 times since we have been married (almost 9-10 times if you include when we were dating). We thought we were settled into our first house, but no, I got the crazy idea of building a new house. Despite the craziness, we have been involved with this house from the get-go, and it instantly felt like home. We still have a ton of projects waiting to be done, stuff waiting to be bought, and family/friends to invite over... but we are finally HOME.

Oh, and the crazy thing is, my husband has to travel for work, so he was only able to enjoy the house for 10 days before being shipped off. However, he is working so much overtime that it's helping us pay off the extra expenses for the new house.

Next up... and possibly one of the last home building blogs I'll do before I move on back to real life... Things I wish I would've known before building a home.

Cool Things Our New House Will Do (AKA the Smartest Smart Home Ever)

Current state of the home.

To stay positive about our home building experience, Graham and I have been compiling a list of things that our new house will do that will improve our lives:

• It will help us lose 10 pounds automatically. Dubious claim, you say? No way!
• Our house will alert us when our kids' nails need to be trimmed, and it will clean up the little tiny nail clippings that are so hard to clean up!
• Our new house will not only do our laundry, but will also put the clothes away too!
• The house will cook healthy meals on weeknights!
• Our house will keep our toddler from getting into everything and destroying our stuff!
• Our new house will keep our food from spoiling prematurely.
• The new house will make us happy for ever and ever.
• The house will save us thousands of dollars!!
• Our new house will help us make BFF's.

Ok, so this is an obvious exaggeration of the benefits to our new house. However, we did notice that we kept saying to each other, well, once we're in the new house.. or, this wouldn't happen in the new house.. Which is kind of a dangerous way of thinking, like life all of a sudden will be amazing and perfect once we live somewhere new. Spoiler alert: it won't. We will still be the same people with the same lives.

But let me tell you the things that will actually make our lives better in the new house...

• While the house won't make us lose 10 pounds, we will definitely be less stressed with lower levels of cortisol. Also, the workout room means more concentrated workout times and a specific place. I'm excited for more cardio because our current townhouse might tumble to the ground if I start doing TurboFire HIIT workouts again.
• I wish the kids' nails would no longer require trimming in the new house, but our robot vacuum will definitely help clean up the mess!
• Laundry = the neverending story. The worst. The one thing our new house will do is allow us to put all of our clothes away in the house! Our old house had small closets, so we had to keep some clothes and shoes in the garage.
• I can't even emphasize how much our current kitchen stresses me out. It's unbelievably small. The new kitchen will hold ALLLLL of my stuff and have a pantry. It's going to be so amazing. Plus, the double oven means I'll be baking more fresh bread!
• Having a new house that is 100% ours will allow us to put toddler locks on our stuff. We have been in our rental townhouse for a year, and Sadie gets into our stuff DAILY, like my makeup, Graham's shaving cream, and Carter's toothpaste. I'm so excited to put toddler locks on the cabinets!
• The MINIature fridge we have right now is one of my current pet peeves. It is so small that when you put one thing on a shelf, another thing falls out of the fridge. Without fail. Plus, the cooling mechanism is so spotty that it half freezes anything in the back or side of the fridge. We are throwing away soooooo much food! I am incredibly excited for a new Samsung fridge with water and an ice maker! I haven't had one since I moved out of my parents' house in 2001.
• Ok, we are not guaranteed to have eternal happiness in our house.. But, we will be able to host out-of-town family (and we both have big families!) for family get togethers, and that will make us truly happy.
• The new house is currently costing us thousands of dollars, but it will pay off in the end. The energy efficiency is key, as well as the increasing cost of homes in the area (thank you HGTV for featuring a home in our area!). We couldn't afford to buy what we are building, so this will all be worth it when we get our home appraised when it's completed.
• Lastly, we have friends and family that have been our friends for a long time, but we will have new neighbors that will be awesome friends now and in the future.

One thing to remember: we are beyond blessed to have this opportunity to build a family home.

Update: Curious about our progress? Click on this link to see all of our home building updates, or check out my Instagram account for continuous updates.

Blowin the Roof Off!

We have a roof ladies and gentleman! Yes, we do.. and I seriously could not be happier about it. I have a day off during the week due to illness, so I finally was able to see the house in the daylight and take some pictures.

The southwest view of the house. Can't wait for the covered front porch.

 Front of the house from the dirt road. Look at that roof! Metal would've been nice, but oh well. We actually decreased the pitch of the roof from 6/12 to 5/12 as part of a cost-saving measure, and I actually really like the look of it. Less emphasis on the roof versus the front gables.

The southwest view of the house from the driveway. I'm debating on where to put the address number of our house--front or side of the house that faces the street? Also, I opted to not get shaker siding in the gables of the side of the house due to the cost, and now I'm regretting it.

Windows arrived today!!

Look at that beautiful ThermaTru door. We plan to stain it a natural wood color..

We are currently in the process of drying the house out with industrial fans, because man that wood was wet. Our foolish hope was to have a roof by October (silly me) before the major rain started, but January is better than February! Man, we just didn't really anticipate all of the set-backs or additional money.. But, I'll cover all of the things I wish I would've known in a later post.

Anyways, I want to be able to post more positive things, especially now that our house has some cover from the elements. But, I'm also trying to be honest about the process. People have no idea what they're getting into sometimes when it comes to building a house. Really, it all comes down to time and money, right? Maybe if we didn't have a tight budget, or that we didn't have to rent a duplex and pay 2 mortgages, or the kids sharing a room, or so many things go wrong, and maybe we could say we have had a good experience so far..?

So, Lexar has paid more attention to my blog and social media than I would have thought. **Hey guys!** Honestly, I started all of this because I found blogs about people who built with Hiline Homes, Adair Homes, etc.. but not Lexar. I'm sorry if my experiences don't portray a positive experience so far, but it has been realistic... and it's not exclusive to Lexar.. just so we're all clear here. One of our future neighbors built with a different builder, and they failed an inspection so many times that their building permit was suspended. There were other issues with their property due to the company's non-payment of their subcontractors. One of Graham's co-workers built with a different builder, and they failed final inspection 3 times because they put in the wrong windows, didn't correct it, and tried to fool the inspector. All of these builders have the same clause that they can raise the base price of your house if you don't have the foundation in the ground within a certain time frame. Price changes can happen with builders and even a private general contractor. So yes, anybody with any builder can have a negative experience.

I've also seen positive experiences. There's an Instagram network of us building with Lexar, Adair, Hiline, etc here in the Pacific Northwest. I've seen houses go up way faster than mine, and I've also seen beautiful results of their houses' interior and exterior details.

We met again with the project managers of Lexar of Tacoma on Friday. I was a little nervous because they didn't say what it was about. One thing that we have complained about is the lack of communication, so it was nice to be able to talk it out in person. We found out about some of the behind-the-scenes details that they didn't share with us initially, and it helped us understand why it took so long for framing to get done. We also finally addressed how they are going to make up for lost time for the next steps. Usually with building a home, the managers give their subcontractors a window of time to complete their part. So, when there's a delay, it sets everything back. So, according to the project managers, our house will have more priority and subcontractors will be scheduled as soon as they're available. We are going to clarify with them what the approximate schedule will be. We still have a completion date of May.

Let's talk about expectations. These things can really help make us happy or unhappy--unmet expectations. I expected our framing to be done in 3-4 weeks, and we weren't told until 26 days after our lumber was dropped that our framing wouldn't be done until the end of January... which would make it 8 weeks. However, if they had shared with us initially that they had to split a crew and it would extend the date, we would've understood and not been so disappointed. Also, I know nothing about construction while Graham knows a little, so when we found out our shearwall inspection was cancelled, it was seriously upsetting because we thought the roof couldn't go on until it passed. We were unbelievably relieved when Graham visited the worksite and the framers were there putting up the roof and finishing the interior. Again, we didn't know what to expect, so we were angry.

Now, we have better expectations of what the rest of the build will be like. We talked out a communication plan for a weekly email to let us know what's going on. So hopefully now that we know what to expect, we'll be able to make it through the next few months without major disturbances. Next up: HVAC, rough in plumbing, electrician, siding.

Last little nugget.. One of the project managers said that building a house should be a fun thing, and he knows someone who's having a great time. I said, yeah, this is the most stressful thing I've ever done in my life.. and I've gone to grad school, moved to places where I didn't know anybody, delivered a master's thesis to 4 straight-up doctors, and been separated from my husband. But then Graham said, well there are also some people that enjoy pregnancy.. and that totally brought it home for me. Building a home really is like having a baby. There's the planning, the detailed plans and purchases, the excitement, taking photos along every step of the way, the feeling of anticipation and anxiety, the moments of fear when you feel like what the hell have I gotten myself into, the delivery and the first time you see your baby's face, and then there's the time when you're confronted with the bill! But, when that baby comes, or when the house is done, there should be that miraculous feeling of joy and amazement... which I'm totally looking forward to. And yes, I'm sure there are some crazy people that like building their own house just like those annoying women who look and feel good during pregnancy... but I'm not either of those.

Update: Curious about our progress? Click on this link to see all of our home building updates, or check out my Instagram account.

One DECADE

We have officially been married for 10 full years. I really can't believe it. I can't believe I am 35, ahem, 29 years old! These years have been the happiest, most stressful, most miserable, and yet most joyful in my life. I wish I could tell you how good things are. I wish I could tell you that we are riding on unicorns across rainbows in the sky. I wish I could say that our love is unconditional and unwavering. I wish I could report how amazing our life is.



Unfortunately, it's not any of those things. Life is hard. Marriage is tough. Raising kids isn't always fun. Building a home (as you all know now) is not a walk in the park.



I can say that Graham is my best friend. There is nobody else that I'd rather be with. He makes me laugh, he frustrates me, he calms me, and he has literally made me crazy at times. Our marriage isn't perfect, but it's been full of laughter and tears.



I wish I could share more about what's going on in our private lives, but I can't. It's not the right time. When we went through hard times ~5 years ago, I was pretty open about our experiences. Now, I'm a bit more hesitant to share.. especially considering how much more jaded I've become. I've been pretty sad--actually sad doesn't even scratch the surface of what I've been feeling--and I've had a few friends help lift me up. It's sad when you realize how little support you have left outside of your marriage. It can be kind of isolating at times. I've been on this crazy roller coaster, feeling like my life was spiraling out of control... with nobody to confide in.. mostly because I don't want anyone to judge me or Graham.



Anyways, I'll share our story sometime, somehow, in some way.



Right now, we are continuing on in holy matrimony.. bound together by our commitments to each other, to God, our family, and this gosh-dang house. We are committed to making this work, for better or for worse.



Maybe next time I'll share some of my favorite moments over the past 10 years..

Until then, I leave you with one wedding photo.

This is the home building post I DIDN'T want to write..

If you know me beyond this blog, you know I don't put people on blast normally. I *usually* don't enjoy fighting with people online, and I try not to post a lot of negativity on my social media. I don't really do negative reviews on Yelp, either, although I do understand the necessity of truth telling from people. However, I think negativity tends to be more contagious than positivity, and when all you can think about is the bad stuff, you forget all of the good stuff.

With that being said, Graham and I are not happy with our builder. Remember why we said we signed a contract with Lexar of Tacoma back in November? Because the base price of the home was going to increase by $25-30K over the next few months! So, we rushed into it before we were truly ready. We were planning to wait for two years after buying the land to save up more money, but then the price of the home was so low it was smarter to just go for it.

So, we've had a pretty good experience so far with our Lexar office. They've been busy, but have communicated well about their delays. They have been forthcoming about some of the issues they have been having with their builds due to labor and supply shortages. We were thrilled to be SO CLOSE to pouring our foundation (I mean like literally, it could be a week away at the most).

And then, I got an email asking for my phone number so the construction manager could call me. Hmmm, not a good sign. We had a brief conversation that the corporate office was making them increase the base price of the home. We were told the increase of the price was based on how long ago we signed the contract and how close we were to pouring the foundation. When I asked how much so I could be mentally prepared, I was told the info would be in the email later that day. So, no help there. Graham and I were upset, but then we got the email that night around 9 PM, that the cost of the home would go up by $24,000. We could pay out of pocket (yeah sure), or get a letter from our lender for the extra funds (not happening either).

Graham and I could NOT sleep that night. I mean, here we are, $40K down already, we just closed on our loan a few weeks prior, and we have a giant hole in the ground.. and now they're asking for more money! They justified this huge increase in cost by the clause in their contract that if your foundation is not poured within 60 days of signing the contract, they can increase the price. We were initially very concerned about the language in the contract, but we were assured by the salesman that they would not increase the cost. Apparently, this same clause is used by other "on your lot" builders as well, so Lexar isn't the only one who can screw you over. I mean seriously, 60 days to get your foundation poured from signing the contract? That's freaking impossible. We didn't get our finished plans until four months past the signing date, so only then could we get our site plans, construction loan, and permits. Everything literally couldn't come together until July.. EIGHT months after we signed the contract.

They told us that 14 other families are in the same position as us.. which was reassuring, but not really.. because we know the pain and anger that they were feeling. Graham had a long talk with the salesman the next day, calling him a liar and a bad person for telling us months ago that they wouldn't increase their prices. I thought that was a bit extreme and mean.. until I heard what the other families said to them. Many people threatened to take their business elsewhere, somebody threatened to burn their office down, and somebody else brought up bringing their gun into their office to shoot them (which isn't so funny nowadays). So, I think their reactions were a bit more extreme than Graham's, and I didn't feel as bad.

So, over the next few days, we weighed our options: taking our business elsewhere, changing our house plan, and/or getting rid of some of our additions. We were hoping that the corporate office would be willing to take a hit off their profits and just increase our price by $10K, but no such luck. However, the construction manager and salesmen worked hard to present a couple of changes to our plans. We do have to give them some credit because they aren't the owners of this location/franchise, and this mandate came from the top down.. and they're the ones who had to deal with the hate and backlash from their customers. They proposed some things to save $12K like: changing the pitch of the roof, changing some of the cabinets and trim, getting rid of some of the smart home features, and replacing the original recessed lights with dome lights (not ok with that one--I hate boob-shaped lights hanging down from the ceiling). We accepted most of the changes, but we had some ideas of our own..

--We are getting rid of the wood-burning stove and the stone behind it. That's $7K.
--We can get rid of some of the recessed lights we added to the plan.
--In extreme measures, we can get rid of the tiled master shower and the full height tile backsplash in the master bathroom, but we really don't want to..

Anyways, we meet with them tomorrow to discuss some of the changes and issues. We will owe them money, but we hope not more than $5K. Like I said before, this SUCKS, but the cost-changing issue is not only limited to Lexar.. so for those of you who are considering building your own home with one of these "on your lot" builders, beware! And, we all have watched enough HGTV to know enough that any custom home will have budget and timeline issues. It's not solely limited to these builders or the Seattle area. We are grateful for the construction manager's and the salesmen's efforts to helping still build our dream, but it doesn't really make me happy to pay more out of pocket when I'm already stressing about the budget.

Lastly, Lexar, if you are reading this.. I don't fault you for trying to make a profit. I know you're not a non-profit organization and don't build houses for charity. But seriously, don't try to tell me that you're "not making a dime" off my house. You are raising my price to the current base price for my home.. so if that were true, you wouldn't be making a dime off any of the other houses that you are currently under contract to build. So, if you weren't in it just for the money, I would've expected a small increase on the base price of my home, or I would've expected to see a bigger across-the-board cost increases on your other customers' homes and your website as well. So seriously, don't try to placate me with that empty phrase. K thanks.

Update: Curious about our progress? Click on this link to see all of our home building updates, or check out my Instagram account.

Four Years Later..

Yes, this is a post about my personal life.. so if you're just following my blog for building our house with Lexar Homes, you'll just have to check back next week..

Anyways, over the past three years around this time of year, I tend to look back at my life and see how it's changed. It has nothing to do with the spring season, but with the fact that Graham and I separated on May 1st 2013. If you don't know about our saga, here's the starting point to our journey. Also, this year, Graham and I have now been together ten years.. so it's a particular year of significance for us.

Four years ago, we went through a personal hell. We separated for Graham's own good, for him to get help, and to fully change without me to push him. He needed to be away from his family to fully realize what he had was worth working to keep. Because of the lies he told about flunking out of school and the trust he broke with his lies, it has taken a lot of time and work to rebuild our relationship. Time has been the biggest help, as it's helped reduce the pain. As time has gone by, I've been able to look back with fondness and with a bittersweet outlook. I've learned a lot.. and grown up a lot throughout the years.

To be honest, it's hard to stay with someone after they've broken your trust. I don't mean to make light of other people's serious problems as well, but I'm pretty sure I have a mild case of PTSD from what I've gone through. Whenever I hear a trigger word, or a trigger situation, such as a mention of somebody who has lied to their spouse.. I have a mini panic attack. My heart starts racing.. I get the anxiety poops... I check the cell phone records.. and then I have to call Graham and make sure he's not lying to me about anything. It sucks, but I'm glad I can better understand my response. Plus, my mini panic attacks get better and less severe as the years go by..

It's not easy to be in the position to doubt your spouse. I've doubted Graham so many times about the things he says and the things he does.. For a while there, our relationship required a lot of verification of things he did. He checked in with me when he was at work. Our emails and account were open and available at any time to each other. I've definitely had my moment of complete freakouts where I needed a lot of comfort and reassurance. Mostly, I feel better now. When I hear my normal anxiety triggers, I react much better. I'm not still asking Graham about events like 8 years ago. I'm looking forward to our lives together, and experiencing what life has to offer as we grow older together.

And yet, still.. sometimes I feel a sense of impending doom because things are too good right now. Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.. or something else to go terribly wrong. I feel sometimes like I'm not meant to have a happy life. I know friends who have lost spouses at a young age, or be diagnosed with a terrible chronic disease. I've seen people lose young children. My own brother had a brain tumor at 8 years old and a stroke at 32. Life's not fair, and I know it.. but I often fear for the worst. When I got pregnant with Sadie within the first month of Graham returning from Virginia, I was convinced that I would miscarry. Then after I got through the first trimester, I was worried I'd lose her at a young age. I don't know if this is ongoing anxiety, or just plain motherhood that I'm dealing with.. but it's not fun to have all of these negative thoughts.

But really, married life after a breach of trust doesn't have to be all negative. Luckily for me, it was not infidelity, or else I might be singing a different tune. I'm able to have a happy marriage because I married a great man. An imperfect one, sure.. but who's perfect anyways? Graham treats me like I deserve. He never nags or picks at me. He is my absolute best friend. He is an amazing father. After working a 12-hour day, he comes home and immediately helps me in the kitchen or plays with the kid. He helps with the chores. He doesn't complain about my meal choices (although one time he told me that chips and salsa didn't count as dinner, and I almost kicked him out). He is handsome and looks great in a hat. He kisses me goodnight every night. I am freaking lucky to have a husband so caring and perfect for me in almost every way. What we have is worth fighting for.. and I'm so glad we keep working towards eternity together.

And seriously, how can your heart not melt when you see this every day..?

MIA on Facebook

I don't know how many people have actually noticed, but I've taken a step back from my Facebook account. I've actually deactivated my account twice over the past couple of months. It has nothing to do with social media itself, as I've kept my Instagram account. I just have been so SICK of the negativity on the Internet. Yes, politics was a big part of my decision to stop scrolling on Facebook so much. But really, this quote from Stephen King's novel exactly illustrates how I feel about the hatred spewed online and in the world today.

So, I deleted Facebook on my phone, and I've noticed a huge change in my life. I'm no longer obsessively checking my phone for notifications and updates. I'm spending more quality time with my family. At night, Graham and I talk about us, our lives, and current events. It has been quite the time saver. I still log on occasionally, but only on the computer, or via browser on my phone. It makes it like 100 times more difficult to comment or get involved in people's online arguments. I unfortunately still NEED Facebook for updates about activities and other local things.

Yes, I do miss seeing all of my friends and old acquaintances' accomplishments, family pictures, and big life announcements. I'm no longer wishing people happy birthday, or watching friends' families grow. But, I am watching my own family grow and enriching my marriage. This is not a holier than thou kind of thing. This is just an explanation behind my relative absence. And like I said, I still keep up on Instagram, so if you haven't followed me on there yet, you can do that if you still want to keep in touch.

I keep my Instagram feed full of food, makeup, and family/friends. If you think I'm doing this to keep my head in the sand, don't worry.. I can read the news and keep up with social events just like anyone else. I can just form my own opinion without being subjected to everyone's biases on current events.

In summary, I'm trying to keep my head above water.. but I just wanted to let my real life friends know that I'm sorry if I miss your birthdays, your big life events, your children's accomplishments, and other things you may post about. I'm happy for you, excited for you, and I love seeing you and your kids grow up.. Just understand that I'm taking a long break.. If you ever need to get a hold of me, e-mail me, tag me, or message me on Facebook.

Having it "all"

Somebody bugged me a couple of months ago when Sadie was a few weeks old (ahem.. you know who you are) about blogging more.. and specifically asked for a blog post about life balance, parenthood, marriage, etc..

I didn't respond, of course, because I was busy nursing this tiny human who wouldn't gain weight nor sleep by herself and even the thought of blogging boggled my mind. But now that I'm back at work and Sadie is not only gaining weight but also sleeping through the night, I can take a moment to think about my life.

Women often get asked the question, "How can you have it all?" Aka.. a family, job/career, and good/happy marriage. It's a little sexist that women get this question, but men don't.. but whatever. Here are my thoughts on the subject, and how I try to balance some of the biggest priorities in my life.

My job:
I picked a career in Dietetics years ago when I looked at BYU's list of majors in alphabetical order my freshman year in college. I was in the Nutrition GE course that semester and I thought to myself--"hey I can do that!" And I switched my major yet another time that year.. and the rest is history as they say. As I got further into my education, I discovered the opportunities to work full-time and part-time in the field, which was my major concern. As a girl growing up, I had no idea what I wanted to be or do (although I used to think I wanted to be an architect or interior designer), but whatever it was, I wanted to do it part-time so I could be home with my kids part-time. I had never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom full-time ever.. I'm not naturally a motherly type. Anyways, although I like my job and career, it isn't a huge passion. You might take a look at my resume and think differently (I have a Master's degree and two specialty certifications), but it's all been a means to an end.. a career that could be part-time. My job and career and not my life.. just a way for me to feel normal and get outside of my home. I don't take my work home with me.. ever. I guess I did study at home for my two exams, but that was it. I don't worry about work. I just show up and do my best. That's how I keep my work life balanced. No secret tricks there..

My family:
Like I said, I always wanted to work part-time and stay home part-time. I'm not like a kids person, and I need my adult time to feel normal. But, I always wanted a family, and we wanted four kids.. then three.. now just two. And we're done. It was quite the adjustment for me after Carter was born. I had never taken care of a newborn before, and the demands of motherhood were exhausting. I didn't enjoy going back to work at 10 weeks, but I didn't hate it. After 13 weeks home with Carter and Sadie this year,  I wanted to stay home.. for the first time ever in my life. I bawled like a baby the night before I went back to work. Since she's our last baby, I wanted to be home and be with her to witness all of her "firsts" firsthand. But, me not working full-time isn't an option for us right now. So, I bucked up and drove myself to work with tears in my eyes Monday morning. I vowed to myself to relish every moment of Sadie's baby life, even the nights of no sleep, so I can always remember this time. Carter's first year was kind of a blur. When I get home each afternoon, I devote time to each of my children, whether it's games with Carter, or snuggles with Sadie.. My alone time is at night after the two kids have gone to bed. I don't need many breaks from my kids when I only have 4.5 hours of them awake in the evening and I work during the day. I try to make quick to prepare meals, freezer meals, or InstantPot meals to decrease the amount of time cooking. And, I pray nightly for my children and for me to be a good mom. I'm not saying I'm a saint by any means.. I have my nights and moments where I just wish for quiet or time alone.. But if I only have 4 hours at night.. I can pull myself together for my kids during those hours. Again, no secret tricks.

My marriage:
Here's where it gets complicated because each relationship is different. Graham and I have an interesting relationship. Neither of us are super romantic and we're pretty jokey with each other, so what works for us probably wouldn't work for others. In fact, I had to go to the doctor's a few weeks ago when I was really sick, and Graham and I were bantering with each other back and forth in front of the doctor. The doctor didn't understand us or our relationship and told us to go home, have sex, and to orgasm (no seriously--she said that). Yeah, she definitely didn't get us at all. One of the biggest strengths in our marriage is the fact that we not only love each other, but we really like each other too. We enjoy each other's company a lot, and we often have conversations about social events, parenting, work, etc.. We also are both grateful for each other's help and often express our gratitude. I am extremely lucky to have a man who helps clean the house, does dishes, and gets up in the middle of the night with the children. He thinks he's lucky because I cook good things....? Hmm, you'd have to ask him the rest. We both consider each other lucky to have found the other person.

Even though marriage has been hard and definitely work at times, it's been the most worthwhile thing to maintain. We are in it for the long haul, even though we've both had our "moments". A bump in the road doesn't have to halt us completely. Sometimes we both get super frustrated at each other. Graham left our house keys in the rental car in San Diego. I got super paranoid and crazy during pregnancy (you don't even know). Even though we both have major flaws and have both made big mistakes, we love each other all of the time and express that love and appreciation. An imperfect diamond is still a diamond, right?  But, if you keep telling the other person every way that they've disappointed you, the other person eventually may just give up. Of course, communication is still key in relationships, but constantly voicing your displeasure doesn't make anyone happy, not even yourself. We also love each other more than our children. Graham's dad told them as kids, "I love you, but I love your mom more." It's important of us as parents to prioritize our relationship to provide a stable foundation for our kids.

One thing we both do, coincidentally, is to keep a running list of happy memories and good times in our mind. That way, if your spouse frustrates and angers, you have happy moments to keep you going. The cheesy thing is, Graham introduced me to this song and told me it made him think of us and our life together. Mind you, Graham composes music and could basically write a movie soundtrack. Ok, maybe that's an exaggeration, but Graham is very musical and talented. He has written a songs for me, Carter, and Sadie based on his feelings for us, and the songs are all very different. He played this song for me, and I thought about how Graham kisses me on the forehead when I'm tired or not feeling well, mine and Carter's last mommy-son date before Sadie was born, crying with Sadie in my arms before going to work, and our bittersweet moments together (when Graham and I separated and he left to get on the ferry to live with his parents for 8 months, and I told him "I will love you forever").. And now, it's the soundtrack to our lives, and this song, as well as Graham's personalized songs, will always remind me to love my spouse and to cherish our time together,



Anyways, no secrets to having it all here.. This is just how I keep myself together while being pulled in a million directions.

Pregnancy Life

Well ladies and gentlemen,

I have not completely abandoned my blog here. I thought about it, sure, but I kind of want to keep this thing going 10+ years (just 6-7 more months to go until I hit my 10-year anniversary!). I also like to occasionally publicly journal my life, activities, and feelings, just to get them out there and make me feel better. I don't really keep a journal anymore..

Anyways, I just wanted to kind of get some things out that I've been thinking a lot about lately. Obviously, I've been pregnant for the past seven months... and it hasn't been easy. It's weird. We planned to try for our second child when Graham got back from Virginia, and BOOM, we were pregnant within the month. Almost too easy, right? I wasn't as crazy about taking home pregnancy tests as I was the first time around (I only took three tests this time, as opposed to like seven or more the first time), but it was like suspiciously easy. I'm not used to things going like I planned.

Then, Graham went through training for his job. To put it plainly, he works for the government and military, and had to do lots of on-site training. He had to work day shift, swing shift, and graveyard, for various weeks at a time. This sucked as I had planned on commuting with him daily. I'd drop him off, drop Carter off, and go to work, and then repeat on the way home. Plus, it meant I was alone in the mornings/evenings/nights, depending on the shift he was working. Then, he passed his qualification exam for work with flying colors (yay!) in November.. and he started working overtime immediately (10-12 hour days, 5-7 days per week). So again, back to doing things myself while pregnant.

In December, Graham signed up for the opportunity to work in San Diego in January. So, off he went for originally a four-week trip, which turned into almost six weeks of 12 hour nights, 6-7 nights per week. I think he had one or two days off during the six weeks?? While the money was a big blessing, again, I had to be on my own. Luckily we were able to schedule our anatomy scan the day before he left so Graham could be there when we found out we were having a girl--oh yeah, we're having a baby girl! January was rough because I was not prepared at all. I had no freezer meals, so Carter and I dined out a lot more than normal. Carter: "You mean we're going out to eat on a Wednesday??"

Not to mention in December, we went through a rough patch because Graham got off schedule due to his crazy work hours, and stopped taking his anxiety pills for several days, leading to a panic attack, irrational behavior, and withdrawal from meds. So scary and heartbreaking. It made me a little paranoid and crazy for a while after things got back on track. This happening during pregnancy only made things worse because of my hormones. I mean seriously, I'm not moody.. I'm just a little LOT more anxious while pregnant. Hearing what other pregnant women have gone through, though, has helped me a lot to know I'm not the only one. I've cried because I thought I was going to have go on meds. One good thing that has happened through all this time is that Graham and I have paid off all of our consumer debt in January (except for our cars--oh yeah, my XTerra died in February and we had to buy a new car AFTER putting $1100 of repairs into the XTerra--UGGHGHHGHGH).

On to February.. Graham went back to 12 hour days.. then was notified that starting at the end of the month, he'd be on graveyard shift for 120 days.. basically, until the baby is born. So, 9 PM to 5:30 AM wouldn't have been so bad, as we'd see him in the morning before work, see him for dinner and bedtime.. But now, he's one of the most senior employees in his shift, and he'll be working 12-hour nights (5:30 PM to 6 AM), 6-7 days a week for the next six weeks until baby arrives (due date May 30th). We see him for about 45 minutes per day. It sucks so much. Carter is a total daddy's boy, so he's super clingy with Graham whenever he sees him. Luckily, Graham is a great father and husband, so he helps around the house and has put together the nursery when Carter and I have been out of the house.

Oh, and Carter and I got rear-ended on the last day of March! Our car has been in the shop for over two weeks now, we had to get a new carseat, and I've been seeing a chiropractor that specializes in pregnancy adjustments. Again, luckily, we weren't seriously hurt, but it's been a massive inconvenience and source of stress. Then, this last week, I had a massive headache, and my blood pressure went up significantly. I'm not a hypochondriac, and I hate getting checked out when there's nothing wrong with me, but my doctor's office told me to go into Labor & Delivery to be checked out. So, I left work early, went into L&D, woke Graham up after only two hours of sleep, and got hooked up to blood pressure monitors to rule out pre-eclampsia. NOPE--nothing wrong. No protein in my urine, and my blood pressure wasn't even mildly elevated while lying down. So, the doctor there prescribed a couple days of rest from work.. And here I am today--with normal blood pressure but still feeling like crap. Pregnancy insomnia is the WORST.

So yeah, this is a total whiny post. Yes, there are unemployed people out there, or people who are salaried and don't get paid for overtime, so I shouldn't complain.. except I'm pregnant. And basically, I've been going through it alone. Props to single moms and women out there. I'm not cut out for this. There is light at the end of the tunnel--maternity leave. It's not a vacation, but hey.. I'll take it. 12 weeks of it. Ah yeah.

My Deep, Dark Confession

Before you get really anxious, I want to reassure you that I have not had an affair of any sort, nor do I harbor some weird fetishes or tendencies. However, this is kind of a serious, and maybe juicy, blog post.

I also want to make it clear that I am not airing my dirty laundry.. I am making my life's troubles relatable to all of you readers so that if you can feel like you're not alone if you've ever struggled with getting pregnant, marital issues, or depression (situational or otherwise).

Anyways, I kind of wanted to come clean. I've vaguely hinted before that I've had issues of my own and drama with other people in the somewhat recent past. I will continue to be somewhat vague to protect the privacy of others as this is a public forum. However, I will be as clear as possible about what I've gone through and how I've dealt with it. I've been thinking for months how to write about it and make it relevant without revealing too much.

About a week ago, I read this article: "When You're Attracted to Someone Who Isn't Your Spouse"... and then I finally got the courage to speak out. I highly recommend this article, especially if you're religious as it does have a Christian writer. I wish I had read this article a long, long time ago!

If you haven't figured it out.. I was attracted to a man who was not my husband. Let me repeat--we did not have an affair or anything close. Now that that's settled, let me tell my story..

It started out innocently like three and a half years ago.. Carter was one years old, Graham was doing well in school, and we were finally getting into a groove with our little family. There was little else to be desired from life. We were happy. I am going to emphasize that point--we were happy. There was nothing truly wrong in our relationship. I wasn't out looking for something to make me feel better. These stories don't always come from people in bad marriages. Anyways, I digress.

One fateful day, I noticed an attractive male who seemingly paid a little more attention to me than other females. I, feeling fat and unattractive post-pregnancy, always having been insecure and a little immature, took note of that. The little elementary school aged girl in me said, "Oh, look! He must think I'm cute! He stopped while he was doing something important, and talked to me and only me!" I distinctly remember that day. From then on, I had a tiny crush that got bigger and bigger. It was literally like a drug. I craved attention, conversation, jokes, anything from him to get me that high. But, because the crush was growing secretly inside me, something else was dying inside me. I was feeling unbelievably guilty. Finally, six months after I admitted to myself that I had a crush, I confessed it to Graham and my best friend. It was so soothing. Because someone else knew, I had some accountability and I felt like I could change a little.

So, for the next year, I tried to change. I tried to avoid conversation and everything, but it was too hard to do on my own. I didn't really want to change, because I still could get that high from the perceived flirting, Facebook likes/comments, dirty jokes, etc. To really make a lasting change, you need inner motivation, but I couldn't muster the desire to change. It was too much. My spirit was suffocating inside me. I pulled farther away from God and His spirit because I didn't want to feel guilty for having feelings for someone else. I wasn't technically doing anything wrong... It was just a feeling!

And so, even though I was reading scriptures every day, my spirituality faltered and wilted inside me. I got to the point where I didn't care. No, I probably never would've had an affair had the opportunity presented itself, but I could see how people could do such horrible things to their loved ones. You get to the point where you don't care about anyone but yourself when you pull away from God and choosing the right. I never, ever thought of myself as being this kind of woman (and maybe you're reading this and think this yourself!).. One who professes to love their spouse and child(ren), but completely ignores that when they're not physically there. I felt so alone, which is what Satan wanted me to feel.. He wants you to feel isolated and horrible so that you will never change or turn from temptation. Again, this is why I'm writing about this. To let you, anyone, know that you're not alone.

Luckily, my life fell apart a year after I told Graham about my crush. My husband was struggling with failing school and lying to everyone about it right before my freaking eyes and I never even noticed because I was too wrapped up in my own stupid, selfish head. I don't feel any guilt for what choices Graham made, but I do feel bad that I failed to take note of the warning signs and questionable things he said/did. I want to wring my own neck when I think of how little I was present at home with my family during these times, and what I could have done to help my failing husband at home and school. So, with the changes in my life and the necessity to focus on my family, I was slowly able to change with lots of prayer. Over time, the crush started to fade. But really, it was sloooooow progress, because I am stubborn and ridiculous. This situation was one of the reasons why I was willing to forgive Graham and take him back.. I am not perfect, and truly, us two imperfect people belong together.

And the real kicker, other people found out about the crush.. and then it was all over with a big, embarrassing collapse. My secret became not so secret.. and it was pretty horrible. It's been a year and a half, and ugh... still not better.

You may think that you are immune and that this will never happen to you or your spouse.. and if so, you're lucky. If you're not so lucky and find yourself in the same boat.. Be careful about who you spend your time with. Be careful with your feelings. Yes, they are just feelings, but they can make you do stupid things, especially if you keep doing the stupid things day after day.. Be careful about your relationship with God. Avoid temptation in all forms. Talk to your spouse openly about your daily dealings (haha--the name of my blog!).

In other words--read the article. She says it better.

So, yeah. That is my life's deepest, darkest secret (maybe), and yet it is cleansing in a way to admit it openly. I was pretty open about my marital troubles and Graham's issues, but a little reluctant to speak out about my own.. mostly because I didn't want anyone else involved to lose their anonymity. But now, you.. friends, family, strangers, blog stalkers, you know.. And please, don't make the same mistakes I did!

Emotional Flashback

I apologize for the long absence. I've been suuuuper lazy. It's kind of exhausting to do this solo parenting thing with a new house and working full-time. When I put Carter to bed at 8:30 PM, I immediately go to bed. I might play on Instagram or Facebook after that, but that's it. Blogging hasn't been one of my top priorities.

Anyways, life hasn't been too interesting. I drop Carter off at daycare, I work, pick Carter up, work out, and sleep. That is my life.

I did have a flashback the other today to an event almost two years ago when Graham and I were separating. Carter and I were dropping off Graham at the ferry terminal that he was taking to Seattle. From there, he was going to take a Bolt Bus that goes straight from Seattle to Portland, to go live with his parents. I remember the bittersweet moment dropping him off at the ferry terminal, my eyes clouded by tears, saying, "I'll love you forever." At that moment, I didn't know if we'd ever be together again. It's one of the memories that'll forever live clearly in my mind.

When I was driving home from my sister's house in Seattle on Thursday, a Bolt bus passed me (the first one I've actually ever seen!), and I completely burst into tears. The feeling of despair and misery was so strong---it was like I was re-living the past all over again. I really never ever want to feel like that again.

But, the best thing about all of this.. Life isn't like that at all. I can't have a pity party or mourn the fact that bad things have happened to me. Life is good and I have no reason to despair.

Seven Years

So, today, it has been seven very eventful years of marriage to Graham.

I seriously cannot believe that it has been that long. Cliche or not, the past seven years have flown by (or crawled by in some instances). I swear, it was honestly yesterday that I was saying yes to marry Graham (we don't say "I do" in the marriage ceremony in the LDS temple).

I remember bawling my eyes out yet also listening to my stomach growl embarrassingly loud during the 3 PM (? is it weird I don't remember the actual time we got married) sealing ceremony.

I remember my panic and anxiety attacks pre-engagement.

I remember our first kiss in a church parking lot after seeing Spiderman 3 with friends.

I remember our first real date during the Cinco de Mayo festival on the Portland waterfront.

I remember saying I love you for the first time under the stars on the Oregon Coast.

And so many other moments in the meantime.. But I'm not going to go through all of the high- and low-lights of the almost eight years we've been together. I'm here to talk about what I've learned and felt.

Seven years is really not that much time in the long-term perspective, but in a 30-something's life span, it sure seems like a lot, especially considering that I got through college and grad school in the same amount of time.. And I changed and learned a lot during that time of my life. Although I gained a substantial amount of knowledge during my college years, I still lacked understanding of relationships and love. Marriage is one of the best teachers and motivators of change for personal lives (as long as you're willing to learn and change).

Graham has taught me, intentionally or not, about the power of forgiveness in personal relationships. Sure, there may be instances in which a personal relationship should be ended when offense has been given, but forgiveness can be utilized even in situations where irreparable harm has been done. Forgiveness has been given to us by God to truly free us from entanglements and resentments. When exercised to its full potential, we can move on, be free again to love others, and not be weighed down by our past. I never considered myself to be a particularly forgiving person, as I clearly remember when people have hurt my feelings or did wrong against me. But, after all I've been through, I feel like I can forgive people of their trespasses, little and big. Someone called me a "saint" for getting back together with Graham, but I don't even come close to meeting that description (HA). Marriage is fraught with interpersonal conflict, hurtful things done/said, and little annoying things that build up into big frustrations. By holding on to old hurts, pains, and resentments, it can cloud your view of your spouse and forever taint anything good or new they ever do. If you're always looking at your spouse with poop-colored glasses, you'll just forever be dissatisfied. Nothing your spouse will say or do will ever be right. Without regular acts of forgiveness, true love within a marriage is not possible.

Graham has taught me about honest, true love, and what that means as a married person. It does not mean that we will be blissfully happy and walking on clouds every day/month/year of our life. It doesn't mean that we will always be able to make each other happy. Sometimes, our relationship will feel more like work than love (or more work than fun). I don't get butterflies when my husband enters the room (I saw someone post that and I kind of rolled my eyes a little). Sometimes I want to wring his neck for doing something stupid. But, you know what actually makes me happiest and makes me love him the most? Serving my husband.. Doing something nice for him that he doesn't expect. Doing something for him that he truly appreciates. Giving him space to enjoy the things he loves (i.e. sports), no matter how much they annoy me. True love to me is when Graham wakes up early to start my car outside in the cold every morning.. without me ever asking. Love is feeling like home when I'm with him, no matter where we are. Of all the guys I've ever been with, I've never wanted to be with someone so much.. All day. Every day.

Graham has taught me how to be honest, in a hard way, I guess. I needed to learn how to be truthful to myself and to others about my feelings and intentions. It wasn't only with his issues, but mine as well. I am not a saint, nor will I ever be. I am trying every day to be a better person, and to be true to who I am and who I could be. When you're married, you can no longer hide your flaws and only put your best face forward. Your spouse can see everything about you--your weaknesses, frailties, your strengths, your kindness, your mean streak. And yet, they still choose to love you even though you are just a human.  Honesty is being you, the whole, imperfect yet still lovable you.

Graham has to taught me to be kind, and not just to your spouse. I never knew anybody like Graham that could be so nice to other people and yet still be able to understand my sarcasm. He has the empathy that a kind person has, and yet still can tease people. He offers to help people all of the time. He is nice even when I don't think he should be. He is such a good example to me of someone trying to be Christlike and loving to others. I was definitely not blessed with that trait, but I'm glad I married someone who did. His inherent kindness has even tempered my sarcasm and cynicism, something I never thought possible (me--the sassy teenage girl who once bragged she could make fun of any one at any time).

Anyways, marriage is slowly helping me become a better person by learning to forgive, be honest, and to truly love others. It's been a learning process, with some major growing pains for sure. At times, I've seriously questioned if he really was the right one to marry, especially considering the trials we've been through. And really, now that it's been done, why does it matter if it was the right decision or not? I've made the commitment to God, to Graham, and to my family, and now I need to live with my choices, for better or for worse. I'm not unhappy with my choice..in fact, right now, I am pretty damn happy with my choice. I couldn't have picked someone better for me. He loves me, and I see it whenever I look into his eyes. And because he has loved me, I will never be the same. (Oh boy, this is now teetering on the edge of being totally corny. Now busting out Celine Dion: I'm everything I am because you loved me.)

Here's to another anniversary and many more..

God will never let me be successful..

I don't know how many of you are as big Seinfeld fans as we are, but we know many quotes and watch the whole 9 seasons at least once per year. One thing that always makes us laugh is Graham's likeness to George Costanza in many ways. Graham may not be stocky like George, but he has other similarities (**cough cough balding cough cough short**).

--Graham has eaten out of the trash like George.
--Graham has to do the opposite of his natural instincts sometimes, like George.
--Let's not forget that Graham had to move back in with his parents for a little bit, like George.
--He also has had many many things go wrong for him, like George.

Related to that last one, our married life has often been a comedy of errors, with everything seeming to go wrong for us (like the day when Graham wrecked someone's ATV and I also washed his new Blackberry in the washing machine).. Or in Hawaii when Graham left his cell phone at the Dole Plantation, I left my cell phone at Sephora, and Graham went swimming/snorkeling with the rental car key in the pocket of his swim trunks.

And now, things are actually going suspiciously well.. Well enough for Graham to say something to the effect of, "God will never let me be successful", like George said in Seinfeld. It's not like we actually believe that, but our luck has never been great (related to coincidence or choices, I guess)..

We have several bits of good family news:

--Graham got a new job. And in fact, it's not just a new job--it's actually a career. He is currently going through a very strenuous and intense hiring process. I won't give too many details, but it's a stable government job, with lots of benefits and potential. It doesn't start out at high as if Graham has been hired on as an engineer, but definitely better than where he's working now. There are some negatives, but we will deal with them as they come (more on that later). Anyways, we are beyond excited for this opportunity. However, this does mean that we will pretty much live in this area forever.

--The even bigger news. This has been my dream for the longest time.. We are officially in the process of buying a house! Once we decided Graham wasn't going to finish his engineering degree, we had to be a little more realistic about where we could afford a house. That limited our selection a bit more, especially when it came to finding a house in a good school district. The schools around here are awful (well, maybe not all of them), so we found an area we like in a good school district a bit farther away.. The bad thing is that it will make my commute to about 25-35 minutes each way. Graham will be able to do a Park-and-Ride parking lot with a bus ride to work. So yeah, we are getting a USDA loan with an amazing deal on a renovated semi split-level home on a cul-de-sac. It has mostly everything that we were looking for, and I am so happy to finally have a place to call home. We should close by the middle of January and be moved before February 1st.

We are just sooooo happy that things are going well for us--FINALLY. Pray for us that everything goes well for Graham's hiring process and our USDA loan approval.