Thursday, January 21, 2010

Might as well..

Ok, so the cat is somewhat out of the bag with this secret we’ve been keeping.. My family unfortunately found out, and now I’m just going to announce it.. (Sorry Graham’s family if you’re finding out here. It’s kind of an awkward thing to tell someone out loud.) I haven’t even told Graham I’m announcing it. Ooops.

We’re trying to have a baby.

There.. I said it.

Anyways, last March (yeah.. that long ago), we received personal revelation that we should start trying to have a baby. We originally were planning on waiting until December of ’09, so it was a bit of a surprise to get that strong of an impression. We talked it over and prayed about it. I can’t even describe what a spiritual moment it was in our house. I get tears just thinking about it..

I didn’t want to tell people at all because I didn’t want people (especially my family) to ask me questions I didn’t have the answers to (e.g. how are you going to manage a full-time job and a baby, or how is Graham going to help with bills while he’s going to school full-time?), or telling me we should wait. Personal revelation is just that—personal. I’d never felt more right about anything, except maybe to marry Graham. That’s why I felt like keeping a secret from everybody.

Anyways, we’ve had some ups and downs during this whole process. 3 doctor’s visits and 1 early miscarriage later, I’ve gotten so downhearted it’s been hard to feel happy for other people and their pregnancies. I never thought it would be so hard. I just thought it’d happen within a month and POOF, I’m pregnant. I get so jealous when I see people's pictures of their cute little kids and just wonder when it's going to happen to us..

On Monday, finding out I was not pregnant had to be one of the hardest nights of my life. No, it wasn’t a miscarriage or anything like that.. I just assumed I was pregnant after trying for what feels like forever. I cried inconsolably for hours. Poor Graham was trying to say the right things, but he only made me angrier. I was losing my faith. We have been doing all of the right things: praying, paying tithing, studying scriptures, serving faithfully in our callings, etc. Plus, Graham has been having a hard time finding a job in this crappy little town, and it only made it worse. I kept saying, “when is it going to be enough?”, “I don’t know how much more I can take!”, and my personal favorite (which I can laugh about now), “Well I don’t want a baby if it doesn’t want me!”.

I just really felt the need to express my feelings, because I have been struggling over the pas few days. Oh, and my grandpa is dying... Just to add one more difficult thing to my life…

13 comments:

Shannon said...

Oh Sherri, I'm so sorry it's such a difficult time for you. My heart is sad for your miscarriage. I have no wonderful words of wisdom except to keep doing all the right things. The Lord knows you're doing your best and you will be blessed. My friend had been trying for 3 years to get pregnant/adopt and they just got to adopt the sweetest little newborn baby at Thanksgiving. It will work out one way or another. I hope that your blessings will come sooner rather than later and I will keep you in my prayers!

Jacob said...

Well, if you didn't learn anything from Anna and I...just kidding. Life happens. We have just learned to deal with the blows the best we can. We all have this ideal situation in our heads. Once we learn to have a blank slate with our eternal goals guiding us, it helps us enjoy the ride more. It still comes to my mind at times, but none of us have this perfect life we all dream about.

Anyway, love you Sheds.

Shewi128 said...

Oh, and FYI.. The miscarriage happened in October and it KILLED me not being able to tell anyone.

Alexis said...

I'm really sorry to hear that you have been struggling with so much. I miscarried before I got pregnant with Theo, and it was one of the hardest things I've gone through. My heart and prayers go out to you guys.

lisa said...

Oh Sherri--I'm so sorry. We'll be praying for you two.

stewbert said...

I don't know you but Boob Nazi linked me to you quite a while ago. I've been following since.

I am so sorry you're going through this! Trying to conceive can be one of the most heart wrenching things any couple goes through, especially if miscarriages are involved. It's so hard to know why you're prompted to try and then don't get the baby you want and feel like you're supposed to have. My husband and I have definitely been there.

I'd tell you something trite, like it'll work out how and when it's supposed to, but that isn't as comforting as people think. Just know you're not alone.

Tara said...

Sherri, I'm so sorry. I wasn't going to leave a comment at first because I hate to say the wrong thing or something but I can't stop thinking about you. When you listed all of the right things you're doing and said it's making you lose your faith, my heart was just crushed because it reminded me of how my brother started feeling a few years ago (who I think you met at BYU). Now he has completely lost his faith for the same reason. They had multiple miscarriages and tried unsuccessfully for about 4 years. They completely left the church, don't even believe in God anymore, and after all that... they had a baby about a year ago. No fertility treatments or anything. Anyway, it makes me so sad because as heartwrenching of a trial it is, I wish he could have made it through and his family would be blessed for it. Now his son will grow up without faith. So anyway, I just hope you can keep on turning to the Lord during this and not away. I know you know, but just remember the Lord doesn't promise we won't have trials but He does promise He will carry our burden if we turn to Him. You are a strong woman and I know you can make it through this!

Tyler said...

We love you guys lots and wish we were closer (geographically), we miss spending time with you guys.

Shewi128 said...

Thanks Tara.. Amazingly enough, we have been studying (by coincidence) the chapters in Mosiah and Alma which really focus on trials and the Lord carrying our burdens. It's been getting better, and again, it just takes me realizing life doesn't always go the way I want it to..

Sue said...

Life does contain so many (surprising) ups and downs. Hope your faith carries you from those downs all the way back up. It took us over one year to get pregnant the first time, and as you know, a miscarriage before you. And Anna....... It happens. You're young enough to just keep on trying.

mallory said...

i really like how honest you are in your blogs (even down to the comment about not wanting a baby that doesn't want you- pretty funny sherri). so often we feel like hiding the things that make us look vulnerable or less strong than we'd want others to perceive us. but really by opening up, we can allow others to share the burden and offer up additional prayers to God.

you and graham are definitely in our prayers. i won't try to offer you all those consoling words that people always share but never seem to help ("give it some time" or "it will happen when it's supposed to happen", etc). but really, i'm looking forward to the day i hear the good news that you guys are expecting :]

The Original TomKat said...

Good for you for putting it out there. You are perfectly entitled to feel the way you feel- even getting upset when you see another happy, pregnant lady. Your feelings are legit. After struggling with recurrent miscarriage (3) and infertility for 4 years, I feel okay giving my opinion on the up and down feelings of this time in your life. Don't make excuses for your outbursts, tears or sadness- you're human. Not sure if you've heard or not...but Clomid is divine. Oh yeah, it's okay if you feel like punching me for butting in. xoxo

Anna said...

Since I was mentioned a few times I thought it wouldn't be too bad to post a comment even though I am a little late. You know you are doing the right thing and you were given revelation to start trying/to have a baby. No one ever said when the baby would happen so if you stay faithful doing what you know you should be doing you'll be blessed in the end. I know for us there really isn't a reason - I like to think it's because it lead us down an alternate life path. (And might I say one that isn't easy!) Then theres the thought that you're able to have "relations" with your husband pretty much whenever you want right now (he's not allergic to you, right?!) - once you have children things in that dept tend to slow down a little so take advantage of this time in your lives!

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