What does your love story sound like?

Warning: I'm not a professional writer, and I've had an emotional 24 hours. Bear with me here.

If you were to tell your love story, would there be a specific tone or theme?

Would it be cynical, romantic, comedic, or something else entirely?

Starting out, I would have said our specific theme would be comedic. Graham and I are goofy and silly together. I also would have considered our love story to be romantic. We were and have been at multiple times in our lives completely wrapped up in each other. In our house, if you walk around the corner, you may still find us kissing or hugging each other just because we want to express our love. (We don't do this if we have guests--no need to fear. That would be awkward.)

After 12 years, our love story tone has been altered to add the all-important theme of forgiveness.

Some of you may have easy-to-tell love stories that are pretty smooth, ordinary, loving, but amazing all the same.

But if you know us well, our love story has been anything but smooth. All I wanted in life was to find someone to love and to take care of. I was realistic in my hopes and plans for marriage, knowing that things wouldn't be all roses and never-ending fun. However, I had no idea what I was in for.

You see, Graham has anxiety and depression, as well as some childhood stuff he's been dealing with. He goes through yearly cycles of being fine, making one small mistake, then things snowball from there. In these compromised thought and behavior patterns, he makes poor and illogical decisions that affect those around him.

What is it like to be married to someone with a mental illness? (This is a sensitive topic, I know. But if we don't share, how does it become NOT taboo?)

• I have been a support person and a victim to this behavior. 
• I have participated in multiple therapy sessions.
• I have some emotional PTSD. 
• I get mini panic attacks when one thing slightly out of the ordinary happens.
• I get paranoid when things are going well.
• I have trust issues.
• I have shed a lot of tears.
• I think "what tf were you thinking?" way more than I should.
• I am exhausted from having to be the stable one and carry that emotional load.
• I feel isolated and alone, and I have had moments of deep despair.
• I feel like I'm married to someone who's constantly trying to ruin their own life by making stupid decisions.
• I am waiting for the other shoe to drop... every day of my life.

I have cried during workouts and long car drives, said "I didn't sign up for this", prayed myself to sleep, whined "life isn't fair", and screamed into my pillow. I try to be understanding and forgiving, but I also wonder if I will ever reach the point of giving up.

When Graham and I got back together in 2013, I knew things could happen again. We decided to only have two kids because of the additional stress of the underlying anxiety/depression. I have a hole in my heart where my third child (a boy named Barrett) should be. I work full-time in case things ever go badly. I participate in retail therapy instead of discussing my feelings. I have hoped for the best and prepared for the worst.

This is an incredibly heavy post. If you know me well, I try to make things light-hearted most of the time. This isn't one of those times. I am also trying to open up a little and be more vulnerable. Being vulnerable and open about how I feel is something I never do. All of my life, I have joked around with people to prevent myself from really sharing myself with others. Recently though, I have been more cringingly (is that even a word?) open about how I feel, even though it makes me want to stick a fork in my eye. (Like if you're reading this, and I have told you that I like hanging out with you--I don't normally do that. I would much rather tease you or make fun of you than do that.) Anyways, I wish I could really share more, but it's not my story to tell. But, this IS my love story. And our love story still has yet to be finished.

Thanks for reading. I was going to do my fitness update, but my life was temporarily hijacked.

I'm so tired

Ok guys, we have now been in the construction phase for SIX months (but officially the foundation was dug out SEVEN months ago--but who's counting??).. And folks, I am just exhausted.

That's it. I am done with this process. DONE.

It is March (technically in a few hours), and the foundation was originally poured in September. Let me catalog the things that have happened since our shearwall inspection didn't pass 100% on January 26th. We met with the project managers on January 26th, who both confirmed that the delayed framing schedule did not change the completion date of May. (That's right--May 2018--61 days away.)

January 29th--our windows and front door were installed and the roof was completed.

.......

.......

February 13th--the plumber did the rough-in plumbing, but he missed the utility sink, and the wrong shower was installed in our master bathroom. Oh, and the front door was taken off to allow big items to pass through.

.......

.......

The crawlspace vapor barrier was installed.

.......

.......

February 27th--the plumber installed the correct shower pan, but did not plumb the utility sink.

.......

That's right. That's it. One month, only one big step done. It did snow two days this month. I get that snow really does slow things down, but come on. I've seen other houses start after ours and are moving along at a faster pace.

We were promised:

framing fixes, plumbing rough-in, HVAC, electrician walkthrough and rough-in,
garage slab, and siding.

We got:

plumbing rough-in and the crawl space vapor barrier (which we didn't know about until 

after it was done).

We are waiting for (still):

plumbing fixes, shearwall/framing fixes, HVAC, siding, garage slab,
and electrical.

We've been waiting for the framers to come back for "small fixes", but nope.. and now, under unfortunate circumstances (sad story really), the same framers are unable to come back. So, they are getting an "in-house" team to come and do the framing (shearwall) fixes. This will be the third week in a row that we've been told that the framing fixes should be done. Let me say this again--they cannot start the siding until the fixes have been done and inspected. As of today, the shearwall re-inspection is not yet scheduled. If the siding isn't completed, the electrical work cannot be completely done either (you can't finish electrical prior to siding).

We were told in January that this work would be done in February.. And, February is gone and we are still waiting.

I'm tired of waiting.

I'm tired of worrying.

I'm tired of being angry.

I'm tired of stressing out.

I'm tired of paying over $1200 per month for the costs associated with building this house (yep--it's that and more).

Just yeah, I'm tired.

Our project manager has not yet updated our completion date.. so stay tuned.

Update: Curious about our progress? Click on this link to see all of our home building updates, or check out my Instagram account.

Mo money.. Mo problems..

This was me two weeks ago. Literally.

Our foundation was dug out at the beginning of August, based on measurements made by our construction manager. He marked out the corners, and our excavator dug out the foundation. Then, Graham met with our builder to mark out the foundation corners. Our builder said, "this won't work".. the second time he's said that. So, Graham drove out to the engineering firm that did our site plan, and talked with the engineer face-to-face about the slope, the foundation, and adjustments needed for our site prep. But, our excavator wasn't comfortable with the foundation being poured without confirmation from a surveying firm.

And so, that day when I heard we needed a surveyor, I laid down on our carpet with my face down and legs in the fetal position. You see, surveyors don't come cheap. Depending on the scope of the project, it can be several thousand dollars. When we initially got a quote from a surveyor, it was $5K to stake out the property corners, and to mark out the clearing limits and open space. Hmm, we said, no thanks. We were under the impression that a surveyor would be at least a thousand dollars.. Again.. more money out of our bank (and this was AFTER our builder told us our price was going up on our home by $24K). I just couldn't handle another delay and additional cost.

BUT, the good news was that there is a local surveying company in Gig Harbor that is family-owned and operated. Aspen Land Surveying was recommended to us by a future neighbor, and we also know one of their employees from church. We called them up, they gave us an extremely fair price, AND they were done by the end of the week. I would highly recommend them if you have surveying needs in the Kitsap, Pierce, or Mason county areas.

See the red mark at the bottom? That's where the builder marked the corner of the foundation.

Anyways, so while it was an extra expense we didn't originally budget for (goodbye to part of the contingency fund for our construction loan!), it corrected the foundation layout (the angle was off by about 5-6 feet in one area!), and it put our minds at ease. So, Graham met with our builder AGAIN (making this the 3rd time) to make sure the dimensions were correct. And, believe it or not, he said the foundation wouldn't work because the foundation would have to be greater than four feet tall.. Anything more than four feet tall would require extra engineering, time, money, etc.. I just about died when Graham told me the news. Luckily, they were able to work it out with an additional small step in the foundation and two-foot pony walls (I really don't know what those are). So, our excavator should be finishing the foundation dig this weekend, as well as trenching for power and water.

Getting power to your house is the worst. Luckily, we have underground power at our property already.. so a trench just has to be dug to within two feet of the power source. Then, the electrician has to run the power from a temporary power pole into the trench. Then, the state (or county, I'm not sure) has to inspect to make sure it's within code parameters. Then, the power company has to connect the last two feet from the trench into the power source. And, somewhere in all this mess, the trench has to be filled with dirt. Literally, we are coordinating between our builder, our excavator, the electrician, the power company, the county, the excavator again, and then our builder again. I am exhausted. It's a stress circus of phone calls, texts, and emails.

So, last night, we went to the lot to go measure out the changes needed in the foundation, and I had to use garden shears to attack any remaining roots or branches sticking out from the ground. My forearms kind of hurt today. The kids were just filthy from playing in the dirt. We stopped by our future neighbors house (did we mention we have three future neighbors that are all young families building homes down the street?), and we struck a deal. We had some huge logs (cedar, pine, etc) that we needed to get rid of, and they were too big for us to cut through.. So, our neighbor took our logs this morning, and they are letting us borrow their industrial drying fans for our drywall and stuff. Win win. Always a good solution. We let strangers and co-workers come on our property to cut and take a giant amount of wood home, and some people freaking trashed the place. One person left a broken bike, others left melon rinds, and some of them trampled our silt fence for construction and didn't put it back. Craigslist people, man...

All in all, we are feeling an extreme urgency and anxiety to get our foundation INTO the ground. We don't want to get any further price increases, and we REALLY want the roof on before the rain starts. We have had such a dry summer up here in Seattle, and now it's just been wasted with delays and such on our house. But, nobody else feels the urgency that we do to start the house! It's maddening, and yet, par for the course..

To end on a good note, I have Wednesday off this upcoming week to complete new job paperwork (my last week at the hospital!), and so Graham and I are meeting with our builder to make selections for our house. This means, floor, carpet, siding, stone, tile, etc. We are SO excited. I'll try to take pictures to give you an idea of what things will look like.

Update: Curious about our progress? Click on this link to see all of our home building updates, or check out my Instagram account.

Pregnancy Life

Well ladies and gentlemen,

I have not completely abandoned my blog here. I thought about it, sure, but I kind of want to keep this thing going 10+ years (just 6-7 more months to go until I hit my 10-year anniversary!). I also like to occasionally publicly journal my life, activities, and feelings, just to get them out there and make me feel better. I don't really keep a journal anymore..

Anyways, I just wanted to kind of get some things out that I've been thinking a lot about lately. Obviously, I've been pregnant for the past seven months... and it hasn't been easy. It's weird. We planned to try for our second child when Graham got back from Virginia, and BOOM, we were pregnant within the month. Almost too easy, right? I wasn't as crazy about taking home pregnancy tests as I was the first time around (I only took three tests this time, as opposed to like seven or more the first time), but it was like suspiciously easy. I'm not used to things going like I planned.

Then, Graham went through training for his job. To put it plainly, he works for the government and military, and had to do lots of on-site training. He had to work day shift, swing shift, and graveyard, for various weeks at a time. This sucked as I had planned on commuting with him daily. I'd drop him off, drop Carter off, and go to work, and then repeat on the way home. Plus, it meant I was alone in the mornings/evenings/nights, depending on the shift he was working. Then, he passed his qualification exam for work with flying colors (yay!) in November.. and he started working overtime immediately (10-12 hour days, 5-7 days per week). So again, back to doing things myself while pregnant.

In December, Graham signed up for the opportunity to work in San Diego in January. So, off he went for originally a four-week trip, which turned into almost six weeks of 12 hour nights, 6-7 nights per week. I think he had one or two days off during the six weeks?? While the money was a big blessing, again, I had to be on my own. Luckily we were able to schedule our anatomy scan the day before he left so Graham could be there when we found out we were having a girl--oh yeah, we're having a baby girl! January was rough because I was not prepared at all. I had no freezer meals, so Carter and I dined out a lot more than normal. Carter: "You mean we're going out to eat on a Wednesday??"

Not to mention in December, we went through a rough patch because Graham got off schedule due to his crazy work hours, and stopped taking his anxiety pills for several days, leading to a panic attack, irrational behavior, and withdrawal from meds. So scary and heartbreaking. It made me a little paranoid and crazy for a while after things got back on track. This happening during pregnancy only made things worse because of my hormones. I mean seriously, I'm not moody.. I'm just a little LOT more anxious while pregnant. Hearing what other pregnant women have gone through, though, has helped me a lot to know I'm not the only one. I've cried because I thought I was going to have go on meds. One good thing that has happened through all this time is that Graham and I have paid off all of our consumer debt in January (except for our cars--oh yeah, my XTerra died in February and we had to buy a new car AFTER putting $1100 of repairs into the XTerra--UGGHGHHGHGH).

On to February.. Graham went back to 12 hour days.. then was notified that starting at the end of the month, he'd be on graveyard shift for 120 days.. basically, until the baby is born. So, 9 PM to 5:30 AM wouldn't have been so bad, as we'd see him in the morning before work, see him for dinner and bedtime.. But now, he's one of the most senior employees in his shift, and he'll be working 12-hour nights (5:30 PM to 6 AM), 6-7 days a week for the next six weeks until baby arrives (due date May 30th). We see him for about 45 minutes per day. It sucks so much. Carter is a total daddy's boy, so he's super clingy with Graham whenever he sees him. Luckily, Graham is a great father and husband, so he helps around the house and has put together the nursery when Carter and I have been out of the house.

Oh, and Carter and I got rear-ended on the last day of March! Our car has been in the shop for over two weeks now, we had to get a new carseat, and I've been seeing a chiropractor that specializes in pregnancy adjustments. Again, luckily, we weren't seriously hurt, but it's been a massive inconvenience and source of stress. Then, this last week, I had a massive headache, and my blood pressure went up significantly. I'm not a hypochondriac, and I hate getting checked out when there's nothing wrong with me, but my doctor's office told me to go into Labor & Delivery to be checked out. So, I left work early, went into L&D, woke Graham up after only two hours of sleep, and got hooked up to blood pressure monitors to rule out pre-eclampsia. NOPE--nothing wrong. No protein in my urine, and my blood pressure wasn't even mildly elevated while lying down. So, the doctor there prescribed a couple days of rest from work.. And here I am today--with normal blood pressure but still feeling like crap. Pregnancy insomnia is the WORST.

So yeah, this is a total whiny post. Yes, there are unemployed people out there, or people who are salaried and don't get paid for overtime, so I shouldn't complain.. except I'm pregnant. And basically, I've been going through it alone. Props to single moms and women out there. I'm not cut out for this. There is light at the end of the tunnel--maternity leave. It's not a vacation, but hey.. I'll take it. 12 weeks of it. Ah yeah.

We didn't mean to buy a house...

So, ours may not be the typical first-time home buyer story.. The story where the couple has scraped and saved for years for a down payment, or where the couple is newly married, or the one where the married couple is expecting a child and want to move into a house before the baby is born. I wanted to blog about our process to help others along the way and give you a personal insight into first-time home buying. I was also contacted by a company called Compass that is starting a project called "Starter Stories" to feature stories about real people who are starting in their new first places, whether they be apartments or homes.

First of all, I'm 32 years-old, my husband is almost 30.. We have been married for 7 years. We have a 4 year-old kid. I have been in my career for over 6 years, and my husband is just starting his. We have LOTS of student loans to pay back.. Enough to choke on. And, we have consumer debt that we've been slowly but surely paying off with some major setbacks (remember, we also had to buy a car earlier this year too?).. So yeah, we were not exactly the best candidates to buy a house either..

So anyways, since we decided to move on from Graham's schooling and start looking for a career that didn't require a bachelor's degree, we had to adjust our expectations for a house. First of all, we wouldn't be able to afford as much as we thought we could. Second, I couldn't get everything I wanted in a house (i.e. a great big kitchen, big master suite, and lots of space for guests). Third, we had to decide which house features were the most important to us. Our list of wants included the following:

• an affordable house in general, 
• a big backyard (Graham's request--not mine), 
• a spot outside where Graham could put a basketball hoop, 
• a kitchen with enough space for more than one person to cook in, 
• good schools nearby, 
• a room where we could exercise without restraint. 

Finally, we had to re-think about where we could actually buy a house that met our requests. The different areas in our county vary widely in price, depending on the proximity to the ferries to Seattle, or waterfront properties. The first thing we did was finding a geographic region in the Puget Sound area that has affordable houses yet is in a good school district. Certain areas were out, because the high schools were awful (yes, we are thinking that far ahead), or the neighborhoods were spotty. So, we finally settled on an area right outside the county lines. Oddly enough, we are moving to the same town my ancestors settled in after moving from Iceland and Canada. It is a beautiful area of land, on a peninsula on a peninsula (you'd have to look at a map to know what I'm truly saying--Puget Sound is kind of complicated). You have to cross a land-bridge to get there, so it feels like you're going on a vacation when you cross it just to get home.

Anyways, after semi-deciding which area we wanted to look for houses, I signed up on the Redfin app, and saved some of my favorites. Of course, the website/app is smart enough to send you reminders when new houses in your desired area and price range are put on the market. In November, I noticed a house that was newly remodeled and had an open house that weekend. I showed it to Graham, and casually mentioned the open house. We went after church and fell in love with this house. Of course, it's not perfect (who can afford a perfect house the first time around anyways?), but we started asking the real estate agent what to do if we were interested in the house. She recommended contacting a lender she works with that is located north of Seattle. So, from there.. we got started.

We were almost positive we wouldn't qualify for anything as we thought our debt to income ratio would be too high. So we said to the lender, "We're not sure we can qualify for anything, but we want to run some numbers just to see if we can.." I don't know how many of you are familiar with USDA home loans.. I for sure wasn't before moving up here. Much of the land up where we live is considered to be "rural" and qualifies for USDA home loans. First of all, there are income limits for family sizes (which luckily, we meet), and most importantly, you can put 0% down on a house with no PMI. That's the biggest thing. If you cannot save up 20% of your home purchase price, you need to pay PMI (mortgage insurance), which jacks up your monthly payment a couple hundred dollars. So, USDA loans are amazing if you qualify for one! It would've taken us forever to finish paying off our debts and save up 20% for a down payment at the same time.

So, the loan process was the worst part. Daily, we got e-mails like, we need this paperwork filled out, we need an explanation of why your income isn't at high as it should have been, what are your daycare expenses and why don't you have any, etc. We also had to explain old collections from like 2008, like when Graham had an unpaid speeding ticket that we didn't remember and an old lost library book. I was like I have no clue what this $108 collection bill in 2009 was. Plus, since Graham didn't have a job for a bit while he was in school, we actually had to obtain his transcripts to prove that he was in school and to provide somewhat of a "work history" during that time frame. It was form after form after form. Luckily, the mortgage company people were very helpful and had timely communication with us.

Then, the appraisal came in slightly lower than what we had offered for the house. USDA loans won't pay for much more than what the home is appraised at, so that was a problem. Thankfully, the seller came down to the appraisal price, which was pretty fair in my opinion. Then, the USDA loan paperwork had to be processed during the holidays (it was put in on the day after Christmas), which set it back a couple of days. Now, we are approved, and ready to close on January 20th. I know we have a lot more papers to sign with escrow and all that, but other than that, everything is set to go. The entire process has been exhausting, crazy, mind-blowing, and full of anxiety. The crazy thing is that everything has all been working out for us, and our mortgage will only be ~$50 more than our current rent payment (yeah, I know there are extra expenses like taxes and insurance, but still).

I am still in shock that we are going to be homeowners after what seems like forever. I see all these young 20-somethings buying houses and I'm all like, really? You're ready for that?? This has been our dream for a long time, and we are getting most of the things we want. Plus, there's room to grow and improve. Our life is finally moving along its course. Finally. We are set to close today!

FYI, I did not receive any compensation from Compass to blog about my story. I just wanted to be a part of their project!

Insecurities

All right, so I've been putting off this blog for a while.. Not because I've been too busy, but because I've been thinking about how I want to word this blog. I've also been exhausted from work (this flu season has been CRAZY at the hospital). So, I apologize for the lapse of time between my last blog and this one.

Graham and I were talking about our insecurities recently, and that many of our lives' problems stem from these. Graham's main one is that he wants people to think he's a good guy, and that he wants people to think only good things about him.

My insecurities are that I'm not enough.

I'm not thin enough

I'm not pretty enough

I'm not smart enough

Part of this comes from my parents' obsession with weight growing up (sorry mom). My mom and dad often focused on losing weight, being healthy, and eating healthy food when I was young, and even now. I can't blame this on my parents though, although this obsession with weight and health did contribute partly to my insecurity about myself. I was always self-conscious about the way I am or the way I look, even when I was young. If you read my journal from early on, I was always focused on which boys liked me, didn't like me, or how few friends I had. I was one of the smart kids in class, and one of my journal entries when I was only 12 years old focused on the fact that nobody called me unless it was a question about homework. I was overly concerned about my appearance, whether or not it was regarding my social status or my looks.

I was obsessed about boys even from an early age, and I even had a few "boyfriends" in elementary school. However, in junior high, the awkward social times and awkward looks hit. I had braces, a long face, and lots of freckles. I liken my junior high face to Butthead (as in Beavis and Butthead). I had a huge crush on a boy in junior high, who didn't even know I was alive until someone told him that I had a crush on him. When a girl from church asked him if he liked me, he replied, "hell no!". And, that's when my complete and utter insecurity about my attractiveness to the opposite sex began. When I got my braces off in 8th grade, I immediately felt more pretty, but some boys in my classes (including one I had a crush on) started calling me "Mrs. Ed" (as in Mr. Ed, the HORSE), and saying "it's all in the teeth" (meaning I had big teeth and a long horse-face). Man, this is all sounding extremely terrible when explained all at once. The "Mrs. Ed" and "it's all in the teeth" comments continued periodically throughout high school. In fact, one of the boys actually wrote it in my senior year high school yearbook. Even though I was a cheerleader, I wasn't popular, but I had my own group of friends. I was in all of the honors and AP classes, and I participated in weekly church activities, but I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. I had a boyfriend my junior year of high school, but that was the only year where I actually got asked to a dance.

So, from all of these years (very formative years, mind you) of insecurity, I still have issues about being attractive to the opposite sex. Even though I'm married, it's still a struggle for me. When I was younger, if some boy even showed a minor interest in me, I would definitely take note and they were more attractive to me.. just because I thought they might like me. Kind of ridiculous. Eventually, I grew into my long face and it filled out a little, and I think I've definitely gotten more pretty as I've gotten older. But, these insecurities remain, even after all these years. It's especially evident when I go back home. When I go back to Folsom, I feel like I return to my old, insecure, high school self. Now that I'm up here in Washington, I feel like I've made a name and home for myself, no matter my history. Obviously, with my recent foray into fitness and beauty, I've become a bit more obsessed with my appearance, which may or may not help with my insecurities. I can only hope that one day I will be less concerned about my outward appearance and more concerned about who I am on the inside, no matter how cheesy that sounds..

And now, for your viewing pleasure.. some awkward pictures of myself growing up. I had a lot of fun picking some of these out.. previously unpublished on Facebook or anywhere else!

Look what my school district gave me when I graduated high school. Adorable, right? I mean, a big gap between your two front teeth and freckles are cute only when you're 10 years old.

 Oh, the braces..

Me and my best friend, Heather, in 8th grade after I got the braces off. Can I go back in time and remove the white eyeliner and copper lip gloss? Oh, and in case you were wondering, we were wearing tank tops, but they're hard to see. You would not believe the rumors that went around our school..

 Freshman year homecoming dance. Not fun.

Junior year of high school, when I used to rock lighter hair.

My first day in my college dorm.

My last day at BYU!

Me now.. flirty, 30, and thriving..?

FYI, this post is not a "pity me" or "compliment me" post. It's just a big part of who I am and why I am the way I am.

Cropping Out the Sadness

Is anybody else a fan of Portlandia? Maybe it's just because I lived in Portland for two years, or because I live in the Pacific Northwest, but I love this show. It's totally over the top and exaggerated, but it doesn't get much better than the skit about the couple asking about the chicken, Colin, that they were going to eat for dinner.. "Did he have friends on the farm?"

Anyways, this clip definitely describes something I've been thinking a lot lately... How and what we present to other about ourselves to the public.. whether it's on Facebook or in person. Do we always put on a happy face and pretend like everything is perfect so that everyone else can think your life is perfect? I'm talking about these people that are like, oh my gosh, look at my cute kids, our awesome family traditions with my perfect little family, and my creative and amazing Pinterest parties and crafts. There aren't any weaknesses or imperfections in my life! Every day is a blessing!

Honestly, I have never been that kind of person. I can't stand this need to appear perfect for everyone else. It's just so fake. So annoying. In college at BYU, my theme song was "I'm Real" by J. Lo (the realest person on the planet, I'm sure). I met so many girls there who just put on a front for all of the boys (oh, look at me, I love football, video games, and camping!), and it drove me nuts. I'd totally shut down in response to these people, so I'm pretty sure people thought I was totally rude or a hermit at times (which may have been partly true).

But now, this front that people are putting on is more in my face because of social media. Sometimes, Facebook is the worst place to be when you're feeling vulnerable and depressed. You're just bombarded by all of these psuedo-happy status updates about people's perfect relationships and lives, and it just makes you feel worse if your life isn't as exciting, fun, or happy as the people say their lives are. I understand, you don't want to air your dirty laundry, or maybe you're not as open as I've been about my life and problems... But there has to be a happy medium.

Let me tell you what my life is really like. It's not exciting. It's not perfect. It just IS. I get up at 6 AM, get ready, wrestle Carter in/out of bed/clothes, work, pick up Carter, work out while Carter watches a video, make dinner, force/bribe Carter to eat dinner, possibly go to the gym if I haven't worked out, put Carter to bed, and then go to bed by myself after doing some chores at 9 PM. That is life. It's often humdrum and full of very ordinary events. It's sometimes made more fun by what Carter says, or maybe we do something extraordinary like stop at Taco Bell on the way home.. And yes, my life is full of problems. We're in plenty of debt, my marriage isn't perfect, we don't own a house, my husband's car is a POS (he has to hit the starter with a hammer if it doesn't start), Carter throws a fit every day when he hears he has to get dressed, I have a tendency to stress shop, and I live in a rundown townhouse in not a great town. So the F what if people know I don't have a perfect life.. It's REAL life.

I have had to learn more and more about how to care LESS about what people think.. I'm sure people still think I'm crazy for getting back together with my husband. But, whatever.. it's my life. And now, because I've been open about my problems with my spouse, I feel like everyone's views of me and my family are tainted. I feel like people can think about Graham, "Oh, so what if he did something nice for you? He still lied to you and you guys were separated for like nine months!" Yes, that is definitely a downside of having gone public about some of my problems. But, if people around me think those kind of mean and spiteful things about me, then I don't need them in my life. And, with my problems at work and my integrity being called into question, I really have to apply this principle to myself as well. I know what my morals are and what my actions have been, so it shouldn't matter as much what people think about me.

Anyways, these are just some of my rambling thoughts lately.

Stress Shopping

Does anybody else do this? Some people binge eat, some people exercise like crazy, others drink themselves into oblivion..

But, no.. I stress shop. I can't divulge how much money I spent on stuff when Graham was gone, but it wasn't wise of me to do so. However, try telling my nerves that I don't need a pair of teal pants for work from Banana...

Anyways, Santa got me a gift card from Sephora that I just so happened to use today.. I bought an Urban Decay lipstick  in Native (because I need more makeup right?), matching lipliner, and a new perfume to try (yeah, good idea, right, since I work in a perfume-free workplace..?). With the gift card, the damage wasn't that bad, fortunately. I'll round out the night with a good workout and some fudge-covered Ritz crackers.