Six Months of Separation

So, it's been six months since my life has been turned upside down. Where are we now?

Well, Graham is still down in Portland. Now, he's living on and off with his grandparents to save on gas. He is attending Portland State, re-taking some of the classes he failed. He is working a couple of jobs, including janitorial work and working with Engineering for Kids. He is doing fairly well, but misses us terribly.

Carter is doing ok. He misses his dad a lot. He cries for daddy whenever I say no to what he wants. I have to say, "Sorry, Carter, I know you want an apple at 2:30 AM, but your daddy still wouldn't give you one even if mommy says no." (This for real happened two nights ago.) He also is going through a stage where he likes me to "hold him like a baby", and he'll even say "mama" like a baby.. It makes me a little sad, because I think this is one of the ways he is dealing with the separation.

I am doing ok. I've come to terms with what has happened, and what can happen. There is still fear, still a lack of trust, but I have hope. I have hope that people can change. I have hope that things will be ok in the end (wherever that may be). I have hope that we can build a better, more trusting relationship that is completely open about who we are and what we are. It is not going to be easy. It never will be. We are humans with many flaws and imperfections. With our faith in Jesus Christ, and some hard work, I think we can make it. And, if we don't.. at least we tried.

So, if things work out, Graham may move back home in January. There will be ground rules set: a job, a set school schedule, responsibilities at home, verification of activities, etc. Things have to fall back into place for this to work out (a job being the foremost responsibility), but this is our tentative plan. There are fall-back plans, so we'll see how things work out.

I know some people think I'm crazy. I know, it definitely feels that way at times. I can't believe that I've landed at this conclusion, especially when I look back at where I've come from.  When this first happened, I remember my mom telling me to pray, lots of praying. I distinctly remember saying, "But I don't want to pray about this, because I'm afraid of what the answer may be [i.e. forgiving Graham and trying to make it work]". But yes, I've prayed thousands of times of what I should do, and it has all ended the same way. I know that this is what God wants me to do, even though I have doubted it and even wanted to rebel against it.

However, in a marriage, don't we all take the good with the bad? We all put up with some sort of crap from our spouses.. it's just how much and what you're willing to deal with. Some women couldn't deal with what I've been dealt, and likewise I couldn't deal with what some other women deal with from their spouses.

Anyways, I'd appreciate your support in this matter, especially if I know you personally. I know what the risks are. Trust me. I've lived this. I've had nightmares. But, I don't need to hear you voicing those fears. This is my life, my decision, my marriage, and my family. Whatever happens, that remains to be seen. Either way, I'm seeing it out until the end.

Carter's 3rd Birthday

So, we celebrated Carter's 3rd birthday in a chill birthday party on Sunday. It was just us, Graham's family, and my sister. No games, no activities, just opening presents, eating cake, and watching Carter and his cousin play with all of Carter's new toys. Funny thing was.. I planned on making him a construction cake, but nothing else with a construction theme.. and pretty much all of the toys he received were construction-themed (a jackhammer, chainsaw, moving construction toys, etc.). Here are some pictures:

I used the red velvet layer cake recipe from America's Test Kitchen. Here's the recipe:

I used the no-bake Oreo Cheesecake filling and ganache from here (the recipes are made to fill and cover a 9 by 13 sheet cake, so there was lots of extra left over). It ended up working out really well doing this type of cake as it cracked when I was transferring it out of the pan to let it cool. So, I cut the other cake to match, crumbled the leftovers, and put them in the little truck. Carter absolutely loved it and kept asking to see his cake all afternoon.

Carter ate his whole piece! There was nothing left of the cake. Super rich, but totally delicious.

Anyways, that's it for now. We are off to Utah tomorrow for a 4-day vacation to visit family. I'm not super excited to fly with Carter by myself, but I'm excited to have a few well-deserved days off.

Oh, and here's my guy on his actual birthday morning with special birthday waffles.

Choices, choices..

So, I am off work for Columbus Day today. My daycare is closed, so I had to take the day off work to be home with Little Dude. Anyways, I'm exhausted, and I was deciding on if I should take a nap right now or not, and I thought about my poor little blog that's been neglected. My blog won out, for a short period of time, at least.

So yeah, Carter was sick this weekend. I mean like SICK sick. Like, throwing up every hour from 2:30 AM to 7:30 PM from early Sunday morning to Sunday evening. Like, couldn't even keep down water or Pedialyte. It was AWFUL. Luckily, Graham was here to help. Carter was such a trooper, though.. The last time he puked, he was fine and was even picking up his toys less than 5 minutes later. When I throw up once (not 3-5 times every hour), I am out for the count. Carter was just awesome, and you wouldn't be able to tell he was sick (unless you saw the picture on Facebook where he fell asleep on Graham's lap--he never does that). Graham brought his Engineering for Kids Legos stuff from work, which have motion sensors and propellers, which make things move. I posted a video on Instagram with a drumming Lego monkey. Carter seriously was entertained for two-and-a-half hours, which is unheard of for our very active child!

Other updates in my life. Things are going well for me at work. I am giving a nutrition support lecture at the hospital next Monday (the day before Carter's birthday, yikes). I also was chosen as to become a super-user for our new electronic medical record system that's coming next summer. I get to attend training for two days next month. I am a little stressed out right now because I am working Saturday, Carter's birthday party with family is on Sunday, my lecture is on Monday, Carter's birthday is on Tuesday, and we are flying out to Utah on Thursday. And then, it's Halloween and it's all downhill until Christmas from there. I'm still bummed that I have to work Thanksgiving this year (my first one alone), but I'm sure I can get an invite from someone here. Also, I am already planning out Christmas activities for me and Carter. He's finally starting to understand Christmas and family traditions, so I'm trying to think of fun things to do that he can remember. We are riding the Polar Express Train when we visit Sacramento, so he's starting to get excited for that.

I am loving this fall weather right now--it is a beautiful, clear, chilly day in the Northwest, and it's just perfect today.

Next time I blog, it'll probably be about Carter's birthday. This is what I'm thinking of doing for his 3rd birthday:


Oreo Construction Cake



Funfetti Waffles

I'll probably be posting more pictures and videos on Facebook or Instagram (user Shewi128) before I blog, so check me out there.

Anyways, about that nap...