Graham and I were talking about our insecurities recently, and that many of our lives' problems stem from these. Graham's main one is that he wants people to think he's a good guy, and that he wants people to think only good things about him.
My insecurities are that I'm not enough.
I'm not thin enough
I'm not pretty enough
I'm not smart enough
Part of this comes from my parents' obsession with weight growing up (sorry mom). My mom and dad often focused on losing weight, being healthy, and eating healthy food when I was young, and even now. I can't blame this on my parents though, although this obsession with weight and health did contribute partly to my insecurity about myself. I was always self-conscious about the way I am or the way I look, even when I was young. If you read my journal from early on, I was always focused on which boys liked me, didn't like me, or how few friends I had. I was one of the smart kids in class, and one of my journal entries when I was only 12 years old focused on the fact that nobody called me unless it was a question about homework. I was overly concerned about my appearance, whether or not it was regarding my social status or my looks.
I was obsessed about boys even from an early age, and I even had a few "boyfriends" in elementary school. However, in junior high, the awkward social times and awkward looks hit. I had braces, a long face, and lots of freckles. I liken my junior high face to Butthead (as in Beavis and Butthead). I had a huge crush on a boy in junior high, who didn't even know I was alive until someone told him that I had a crush on him. When a girl from church asked him if he liked me, he replied, "hell no!". And, that's when my complete and utter insecurity about my attractiveness to the opposite sex began. When I got my braces off in 8th grade, I immediately felt more pretty, but some boys in my classes (including one I had a crush on) started calling me "Mrs. Ed" (as in Mr. Ed, the HORSE), and saying "it's all in the teeth" (meaning I had big teeth and a long horse-face). Man, this is all sounding extremely terrible when explained all at once. The "Mrs. Ed" and "it's all in the teeth" comments continued periodically throughout high school. In fact, one of the boys actually wrote it in my senior year high school yearbook. Even though I was a cheerleader, I wasn't popular, but I had my own group of friends. I was in all of the honors and AP classes, and I participated in weekly church activities, but I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. I had a boyfriend my junior year of high school, but that was the only year where I actually got asked to a dance.
So, from all of these years (very formative years, mind you) of insecurity, I still have issues about being attractive to the opposite sex. Even though I'm married, it's still a struggle for me. When I was younger, if some boy even showed a minor interest in me, I would definitely take note and they were more attractive to me.. just because I thought they might like me. Kind of ridiculous. Eventually, I grew into my long face and it filled out a little, and I think I've definitely gotten more pretty as I've gotten older. But, these insecurities remain, even after all these years. It's especially evident when I go back home. When I go back to Folsom, I feel like I return to my old, insecure, high school self. Now that I'm up here in Washington, I feel like I've made a name and home for myself, no matter my history. Obviously, with my recent foray into fitness and beauty, I've become a bit more obsessed with my appearance, which may or may not help with my insecurities. I can only hope that one day I will be less concerned about my outward appearance and more concerned about who I am on the inside, no matter how cheesy that sounds..
And now, for your viewing pleasure.. some awkward pictures of myself growing up. I had a lot of fun picking some of these out.. previously unpublished on Facebook or anywhere else!
Look what my school district gave me when I graduated high school. Adorable, right? I mean, a big gap between your two front teeth and freckles are cute only when you're 10 years old.
Oh, the braces..
Me and my best friend, Heather, in 8th grade after I got the braces off. Can I go back in time and remove the white eyeliner and copper lip gloss? Oh, and in case you were wondering, we were wearing tank tops, but they're hard to see. You would not believe the rumors that went around our school..
Freshman year homecoming dance. Not fun.
Junior year of high school, when I used to rock lighter hair.
My first day in my college dorm.
My last day at BYU!
Me now.. flirty, 30, and thriving..?
FYI, this post is not a "pity me" or "compliment me" post. It's just a big part of who I am and why I am the way I am.
3 comments:
Join the club. Although my parents never even mentioned health eating or exercise I had (have) insecurities going back that far. Can't blame it on them, it's just who I am (and was).
You are incredibly brave! It's so hard to get past the insecurites. And we all have them to some degree, but acknowledging them is a huge step and you're trying to move past it.
I think the biggest thing that helps is service. I know that sounds super lame and "sunday school." But it's truth. When you are thinking more about doing things for other people it's hard to focus so much on yourself. Plus when you are doing something for someone else they are definitely not concerned about what you look like while serving them.
Anyway, that's not meant to be a criticism at all, just advice. It's one of the main things we worked on with my patients at Center for Change. Obviously you don't have an eating disorder but being focused on outward appearance was a big thing there. :)
I always thought you were so beautiful and put together in college. I had no sense of style at that point. Thanks for sharing!
Shannon.. You are so right! Graham and I have been talking about this for some time, and it's been something I'm trying to work on. My patriarchal blessing specifically mentions community service, so hopefully I can find a good avenue for service. I find that focusing on charity and trying to see others as Christ sees them helps too. :)
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