Carter's Story Time

So, Carter often likes to tell me "stories" on our way home from daycare every day. He'll tell me what happened at daycare, what his friends did, the colors outside, etc. He's quite the talktative and observant toddler.

Anyways, on the way to daycare yesterday, we spotted our neighbor's horses hanging out in their yard. Carter started telling me about the baby horsey being outside, wearing a "jacket" because it was cold. He then went on to say that the baby horsey wanted his daddy horsey to come back. When I asked him where the daddy horsey went, he said the daddy horsey was sick and went to grandma and grandpa's house. He said the baby horsey missed the daddy horsey a lot. I honestly teared up during that story.. dangit Carter!

Last night, he pointed to the shark on his pajamas and told me another story about this baby shark who missed his daddy shark. I told him that the daddy shark missed the baby shark too and will see the baby shark when he can.

Seriously, I had no idea that children can even understand these things, let alone process these emotions. I am amazed at his ability to be able to process this info and talk about his emotions by re-enacting the situation with toys and other objects. I know we all think this about our kids, but Carter is amazing. However, it does make me sad to know that Carter does know what's going on in his own little way.. I just hope he doesn't remember this sad time in his life.

Cell Phone Etiquette

So, let's briefly discuss cell phone manners here.

When is it appropriate to answer texts?
--For me, when I am in a small group, I tend to only respond when it's a time-sensitive matter. Stupid texts can wait. Large groups..it doesn't matter as much.

How about casual Facebook-ing or Internet browsing?
--For me, it is never appropriate in small groups, especially if there are 3 or less people. I think it is incredibly rude. I also feel the same about large groups too, because you should probably be there in the moment.

Phone calls?
--If it is an unknown number, I will probably skip it, unless I am expecting a phone call from a service place or something. If it is someone I know, I will excuse myself from the group (large or small), to take the call and talk away from people.

Anyways, I find it soooo frustrating that so many people engage in these behaviors, and basically non-verbally tell the people they are with that they are unimportant. It is bothersome that these habits have become so commonplace that some people don't even bat an eye. Me? I sit there, fuming with my arms crossed, thinking about passive-aggressive ways to let these people know how much it bugs me.. and then, in my true fashion, never do anything about it.

What's Yours?

This is going to be short entry tonight. My workout did a lot of shoulder and thigh work, so I am feeling pretty weak. I had to cut Carter's bath short because I felt like a limp noodle trying to wash his hair.

Anyways, I've been thinking about this kind of random topic a lot over the past few weeks. A friend at work was talking to me and a nurse at work, and when he walked away, the nurse said something about what good people he and his wife are. I, being the comparative woman that I am, wondered what the heck people would say about me. Would people say that I'm a good person?

Which then led me to wonder what would people say my defining characteristic is?

I can tell you what it NOT is: kind, friendly, outgoing, the life of the party..

Here's what I think my good qualities are: I'm clever or witty with words (yeah, I know it may not completely translate to my boring blog), good listener, and good sense of propriety. Nothing too exciting, I guess. Oh, and I guess I'm smart and pretty, but I was just born with those. Hah.

One thing I've learned from my current situation is that even though I tend to be cynical, I like to believe the best in people.

Also, I've learned that my actions are not run by my emotions. I have always been even-tempered. Ask my parents. Even going through puberty, I never had many episodes of mood swings. So, I tend to deal with stress pretty well. Working with people of different temperaments has showed me that I weather stress well. People have repeatedly told me during this whole ordeal that I'm strong, and I honestly didn't believe them, and I had no idea what they meant.. until now. I feel surprisingly emotionally strong undergoing this huge trial.

Anyways, I'm still trying to figure myself out..

But, if you want a little Carter-ism, he has been into making "smiley faces" lately, including with his food and random objects. The best one, was when Graham was changing his diaper, and Carter was butt naked. He made a lip shape with his fingers, and made a smiley face with his butthole as the eyes and nose. "Look, Daddy.. I make a smiley face!"

Honestly, I have no idea about this kid sometimes. I'm pretty sure he's a comedic genius.

With or Without You

There is no hope unmingled with fear, and no fear unmingled with hope.
Baruch Spinoza

I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.
Rosa Parks

There are times when fear is good. It must keep its watchful place at the heart's controls.
Aeschylus
If you can guess what my topic is today, it's fear. And as the title suggests, my fear for the future. As I am not ready to make any long-term decisions now, this decision I need to make will happen in the future (but definitely not in 2013). As I see it, I have two choices: stay with Graham or leave Graham. And both of these choices scare the crap out of me.

If I stay with Graham, there is the fear that something like this will happen again.. that his depression will hit an even deeper low. That something horrible will happen to our family when our kids are old enough to remember it. That I'll never have the family life I thought we'd have. That my life's calling is to be my husband's monitor, therapist, and babysitter.

Sure, there are the good things.. Graham is a great dad, he loves me and tells me that every day, our shared sense of humor and good relationship (lies aside), and that I know what I'm getting in to..

If I leave Graham, there is the fear of being alone for a long time.. that I won't find someone else.. that I'll find someone else with just as many problems (same or different) or baggage.. that Carter will never have a permanent good father figure in his life.. that I'll never find another man who has all of Graham's good qualities, and none of his bad ones.

Eventually, I'll need to face this fear head on, but honestly, even that scares me. But, don't worry.. I am giving myself ample time to make this decision. I fully believe that I have the capability of making a rational decision when the time is right.

So where are we now?

Ok, so it looks like I am making weekly blog posts now. I guess you all deserve another update of how we are doing.

I've really been trying to stay busy lately with exercise at the local YMCA. It's been difficult staying motivated to work out at home. I've been doing 2 HIIT workouts a week at home with Turbo Fire, but I needed more accountability. So, I started doing more workouts at the Y. In fact, I was at a kickboxing class on Friday when I saw one of my friends who had been in Japan for several months in my class. So, Carter and her boy played together in the child care area Friday night and Saturday morning while we did our workout classes. Anyways, this is all so boring, I know.. You want the good stuff.

Graham came up to visit this weekend. This time, he didn't just stay up for the day. He stayed the whole weekend, which was a little weird but nice. He slept on the couch all weekend, don't worry. We went to Costco as a family on Saturday (which was a little awkward because we saw an old co-worker of mine), went to church together, and I cooked dinner. It felt like a weird weekend, like I wish it was normal. We dropped by a friend's house from our church on Sunday night. Their 4 kids and Carter played together while we chatted with the parents. It was nice because they were non-judgmental about our situation even though they knew our story (the husband is Elders Quorum President of our ward). It was fun seeing the kids play, but a little bittersweet because mine and Graham's relationship just isn't right. I'm different now.. he's different.. and now our relationship is now different.

It was also bittersweet because it made us both realize how much we had taken our relationship for granted. BOTH of us. Not to go into our problems in too much detail, but we both took our marriage for granted. I have not been perfect either.. Honestly, Graham and I are totally meant for each other. No, not soul mates, just totally compatible. He and I can relate to each other like nothing I've ever experienced. Lies aside, he and I can laugh things out, we can talk for hours, and he is one of the only people that I could be with 24/7 and never get sick of him. After hearing about our situation, one of our friends from Portland said, "If you guys can't make it, how can we?" Hearing that reminded me of our wedding day, when the sealer in the temple (i.e. the man who married us) was performing the ceremony, he said that he'd never seen two people more ready to get married. I also had several friends tell me how awesome it was to see two people so in love on our wedding day. Not to discount the past 5 years as well, but we have been very much in love (except for the past few months prior to Graham's reveal.. they were pretty rough).

Anyways, to those of you in relationships, please remember to cherish your loved ones and your relationships. Sometimes, you learn the lesson the hard way. I'm feeling a little depressed and bitter right now, so I'm really trying to be positive to counteract the negativity. Reality is definitely setting in. And I know that nobody is trying to throw anything into my face, but it hurts seeing happy, loving couples and families. It was just like when I was trying to get pregnant, and seeing people's babies and pregnancy announcements really made me sad.