Monday, February 28, 2011

Musings on Motherhood, Part 3

Mommy Guilt...

So it turns out that motherhood is full of inherent guilt trips.. If you don’t do this, you feel guilty.. Or if you do that, you feel even more guilty.. So how does it all even out?

I’m not gonna lie, I knew the first few months after Carter was born would be hard.. but they were harder than I expected. Like I said before, I felt like I had lost a part of myself after having a baby. But I didn’t expect to feel so much guilt for what I was doing.

I felt guilty first off for not feeling an immediate connection with my baby. Sure, I loved him, but I kept thinking to myself, shouldn’t I just be gushing with joy at this moment?

Then I felt guilty for not liking breastfeeding. I thought I would like it, but it was a struggle and not a joyful time. I knew I should keep doing it for my baby, but I couldn’t shake the guilty feeling for not enjoying that special time with Carter.

Then I would feel guilty for forgetting that I had a child. He slept in our room in the Pack ‘n Play for the first 8 weeks, right next to my side of the bed. He would start fussing, and wake me up from a deep sleep, and I would immediately felt guilty for actually forgetting that I had gone through labor, my pregnancy was done, and that my child was actually right next to me. It’s like my dreams ignored that big event in my life. I felt bad that I wasn’t dreaming about Carter and that the dream version of me didn’t have a kid.

I still feel guilty for not wanting to spend every waking moment with my baby. Sometimes, I just want to be by myself, taking a bath, or reading a book. I work full-time, and sometimes I just want to relax. Then I remember how blessed we are to have a healthy and happy baby, and I feel guilty for ever having these thoughts.

So, is this a lifetime problem? Will I always look back at my kids’ lives and wonder if it was me that made them turn out a certain way?

3 comments:

Sue said...

Yes, you will. Enough said. In spite of all that, they grow up wonderful adults.

Anna said...

I think it would be a little unnatural if you didn't feel this way sometimes.

Kristen Parnell said...

Definitely one of the hardest things about being a mom, in my experience at least. The balance-- what's enough or not enough... want to spend time with/ want to teach him to be independent... need to be a mom/ need to do certain things for myself in order to be a "nice" mom... Oh man. Hang in there!

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