Whelp...

I just realized it's almost been four months since I've last blogged. I have plenty of excuses. I also know that not many actually keep on reading this blog.. but I pretend people do. Anyways, let me elaborate what we've been up to lately and why I've been too busy to blog.

--I alluded to this a couple of times, but Graham started a new job/career in January that required six months of training in Virginia. We knew this from the get-go (they mentioned it in the initial interview), so we were prepared.. but we weren't prepared for him to leave almost immediately. We moved into our house at the end of January and he left at the end of February. We've been apart many times during our marriage, but never for six months straight. Anyways, I had to be somewhat discreet about it because he works for the Department of Defense and they're particular about security. That's all I will say about it. He got back five days late on August 23rd, thank goodness. There's a good chance he will have to travel more for his job, but it will depend on which department he ends up working in. We hope he gets sent to Hawaii or San Diego next summer! We did visit Graham for two weeks in Virginia, where we made a trip to Philadelphia and Washington DC. We also went to the Outer Banks in North Carolina. We don't have any future plans to return to those areas, except for NC. Those beaches were amazing--and Graham went like every weekend when we weren't there. He came home with kind of an amazing tan. But yeah, we did not like Southern Virginia, especially the area where Graham lived. Not a fan of the humidity or the culture.

--We have done some work on the house. We painted most of the rooms in our house, which took wayyyy longer and more money than we thought. (Turned out that Graham was buying premium paint at Home Depot.) We picked a green color we weren't totally sold on, and still, we're not in love with it. But, we didn't hate it enough to paint over it. I asked Graham to do another stenciled wall for our downstairs hallway and photo gallery wall. We bought a big couch like grown-ups. Graham did some landscaping in the backyard to get rid of a trash pile the previous owners left. Pictures of our projects are on my Instagram account.

--We had our housewarming party in September, a few weeks after Graham got back. We had to get all of our painting around the house done and get our house clean. We kind of felt like we were scrambling to get everything done. It was nice to see some friends and make good food. However, Graham cooked ALL of the hot dogs at the beginning, without regard to how many people were there. Needless to say, we were eating hot dogs for a week straight, meeting my hot dog quota for the next few years. Gross.

--We celebrated Carter's fifth birthday (can you even believe it??) in Disneyland with my parents, brother Mike, and my sister practically on Carter's birthday. We were there for Mickey's Halloween party, which wasn't really that cool for kids, honestly. However, the decorations and treats were super cute and delicious. It was so much fun to see Carter's reaction and his face to everything. He went on all of the "big kid" rides that he was tall enough for, like Thunder Mountain Railroad, Space Mountain, and Tower of Terror. He did really well on the rides, but he didn't ask for repeat rides.. Haha. I think his favorite ride was the new Cars ride (Radiator Springs Racers), but he went on the carousels a couple of time. He's intent on returning to California Adventure to ride the "big kid" roller coaster when he's older.

--I'm taking an exam next month to become a Certified Diabetes Educator. I already have a certification as a Certified Nutrition Support Clinician, but that certification requires me to take an exam every five years. With the CDE credential, you can renew your certification every five years by just keeping up in Continuing Education credits. Score! Plus, the CDE credential makes $1.50 more an hour, so if I'm doing the work already, might as well get paid more to do the same work. I'm taking the exam the week of Christmas, which is one of the dumbest things I've ever done. I'm feeling pretty ready for this test, so hopefully it doesn't blow me out of the water. Ask me any question about diabetes medications. I'll know it. I've been studying pretty hard for the past three months, which has been taking a lot of my time and energy.

--Oh, and I'm lazy. Oh yeah, and pregnant.

Intermittent Fasting and Me

So, as many of you long-time followers know, I have been on a weight loss and fitness journey for almost three and a half years. I had lost 25 pounds overall, but last summer, I noticed that I had put some weight back on. Finally, I weighed myself a few weeks ago and I had definitely put 10 pounds back on.. Still 12 pounds lower than at my highest, but 15 pounds higher than my lowest. I've remained totally active during this time. I work out hard 6 days a week. I eat reasonably enough (I mean, I'm a freaking Dietitian so I know what I'm doing). But, the pounds just creeped back on.

Obviously, since I've continued to work out, my problem was what I was eating. So, I decided I wanted to do something with my diet to help me lose the weight I'd previously lost. Graham has been gone since February, and he comes back in less than 3 weeks. I wanted to look better before he got back so I was considering a diet program. I was considering Nutrisystem or something else ridiculous, but I didn't want to pay for it. Plus, not being able to eat my own food would really piss me off. I was stuck in a rut and wasn't sure how I could change without going crazy. There's no way that I can follow a calorie-restricted diet long-term (or even short-term) without feeling totally restricted and starved.

In grad school during my Dietetic Internship, I had to answer questions posed to the Oregon Dairy Council as one of my projects. One person asked the question if a person must eat throughout the day to lose weight. I did a lot of research on this subject and the results were inconclusive. Many studies showed that the opposite was true--that intermittent fasting has been shown to be beneficial to lipid levels and weight status. This absolutely blew my mind at the time. Anyways, I completed that project in 2006, answered that question with a vague answer, and never really thought about it again. I mean, I do hear time and time again from people how eating throughout the day "fuels your metabolism", which is factually true, but is it necessary?

So, I'd been hearing more and more recently about "intermittent fasting" as a way of eating to promote loss of body fat, improve health, and to lose weight. My interest was piqued, but I wasn't really considering it because I've fasted before for religious reasons, and it is pretty difficult to not eat for a day. However, I somehow received a random Shape magazine in the mail, and there was an article about intermittent fasting and the different types. By reading this, I got super excited and decided to try it out because the intermittent  fasting doesn't mean you can't eat or drink for a full day, like we do in the LDS (Mormon) church. You just restrict your calories to 500 calories (600 for men) for a day, and you can have unlimited calorie-free beverages.

Excited about this prospect, I posted about it on Facebook and asked if anyone had experience with this way of eating. Surprisingly, I received a fair amount of negative feedback and encouragement to try other extreme methods of dieting, I had people suggest Whole30, which is so not my thing. I do believe in reducing the amount of processed foods that you eat, but I can't do Whole30. For one, I don't think eating that much animal protein is good for you, I don't believe eating a high animal protein diet is good for the environment, nor do I like eating large chunks of meat. Plus, it means lots of scratch-cooking, which I like, but I don't like cooking while Graham is gone, and I get free food at work. So, NO to Whole30. Then, I had someone suggest a diet plan group with them. Um, no, I can make my own diet plan. Like literally. I have a master's degree in Nutrition. I can plan meals just fine. Then, someone told me I was focusing too much on being thin and to eat reasonably. Yeah, I do eat reasonably, but being fit and not fat is kind of part of my job, whether I like it or not. People just won't listen to a fat Dietitian..

Anyways, a high school friend of mine e-mailed me and invited me to Intermittent Fasting group on Facebook that focuses on the 5:2 plan. This means that I limit my calories to 500 two days of the week, and then eat reasonably (~2000 calories for women, 2200-2400 for men) for the other five days (this equals about 1571 calories per day over a week). This plan is based on a book and documentary produced by Michael Mosley. The research behind it is very fascinating, with benefits seen in animals better than overall calorie restriction. I'm not going to go over all the info. You can look up that stuff yourself!

I jumped on the bandwagon and started the next day. I was prepared with low-glycemic foods to meet my 500 calories, such as roasted almonds, blueberries, mozzarella cheese stick, and chicken sausage with vegetables. The first day wasn't THAT bad. I first ate around 11 AM with some almonds, lunch of blueberries around 1 PM, then a cheese stick around 2 PM. Dinner of chicken sausage and broccoli around 6 PM. I kept a no-calorie beverage at my side all day (aka True Lemon lemonade, Diet Dr Pepper, and lots and lots of water). The absolute worst part: going to bed hungry.. something I don't think I've ever done. It's gotten better with each successive fast (I've "fasted" six days now--currently fasting for my seventh time). I've been able to go without food for longer periods of time, and I've been able to sleep better feeling hungry.

I've actually been able to learn a lot from this experience. I've learned what my actual hunger signals are, or whether I'm just bored and want to eat to fill my time. I feel more in control of what and when I eat. But, I have to watch my hanger a little bit on those days. I have to take a deep breath and remind myself to take a step back from the situation (commuting+fasting=road rage). One thing is that I did feel a little on-edge, even on my days of normal eating. I yelled at Carter for the first time on my non-fasting day, which made me feel horrible! Another positive--I only feel restricted on my 2-3 days of fasting, which is way better than feeling restricted 7 days a week. Plus, I have lost 4-5 pounds in just 3 weeks of fasting.  This way of eating isn't for everyone. It's hard. I'm not lying. It's not for those that are weak-willed or looking for something easy. A co-worker of mine tried it and ended up bingeing when she got home that night. For me, that's not an issue, because if I've made it past 5 PM, there's no way in hell that I'm not going to make it the full day or make that day of fasting null and void.

This is kind of considered to be a "fad diet", but I plan to continue this as long as I can!

My So Ordinary Life

It's funny, with Graham gone (6 weeks until he's back--and counting!).. people keep asking me how I'm doing and how I keep going. I tell them I'm just a robot and keep a pretty consistent daily schedule with Carter. I was thinking about this the other day when I was going over my Instagram account (does anyone else ever do that?). I was noticing that I haven't been recording many of the things that Carter and I do because I didn't feel like they were necessarily Instagram-worthy.

And then I thought, well, isn't that what Instagram is for? For documenting the important and unimportant events and mundane details of my life? And really, my life seems so boring, so humdrum, so..... ordinary.

But, most of us live ordinary lives. We work, we cook, we play, we live our lives with routines and schedules. Most of us are not jet setters to exotic locations nor do we all have exciting jobs. However, that really doesn't matter to my child. He doesn't need fancy trips or new toys. In fact, when we did a 3-day weekend to Philadelphia and Washington DC, he just "wanted to go home" so he could play Monopoly with his daddy. Even though our life isn't exciting, Carter still deserves to have his childhood documented to have visual memories to draw from.

So, this month, I will be documenting our life every single day on Instagram, with the hashtag #mysoordinarylife to challenge myself to find something different to note (I probably should've noted that today at work I dropped yogurt on the crotch of my dry-clean only pants--seriously, does it always have to be yogurt on my crotch, squirted juice from fresh cherries on my white shirt, and dropped/cracked my large re-usable cup from work), celebrate or enjoy every day. Because ordinary people and ordinary events need some recognition too!

My Deep, Dark Confession

Before you get really anxious, I want to reassure you that I have not had an affair of any sort, nor do I harbor some weird fetishes or tendencies. However, this is kind of a serious, and maybe juicy, blog post.

I also want to make it clear that I am not airing my dirty laundry.. I am making my life's troubles relatable to all of you readers so that if you can feel like you're not alone if you've ever struggled with getting pregnant, marital issues, or depression (situational or otherwise).

Anyways, I kind of wanted to come clean. I've vaguely hinted before that I've had issues of my own and drama with other people in the somewhat recent past. I will continue to be somewhat vague to protect the privacy of others as this is a public forum. However, I will be as clear as possible about what I've gone through and how I've dealt with it. I've been thinking for months how to write about it and make it relevant without revealing too much.

About a week ago, I read this article: "When You're Attracted to Someone Who Isn't Your Spouse"... and then I finally got the courage to speak out. I highly recommend this article, especially if you're religious as it does have a Christian writer. I wish I had read this article a long, long time ago!

If you haven't figured it out.. I was attracted to a man who was not my husband. Let me repeat--we did not have an affair or anything close. Now that that's settled, let me tell my story..

It started out innocently like three and a half years ago.. Carter was one years old, Graham was doing well in school, and we were finally getting into a groove with our little family. There was little else to be desired from life. We were happy. I am going to emphasize that point--we were happy. There was nothing truly wrong in our relationship. I wasn't out looking for something to make me feel better. These stories don't always come from people in bad marriages. Anyways, I digress.

One fateful day, I noticed an attractive male who seemingly paid a little more attention to me than other females. I, feeling fat and unattractive post-pregnancy, always having been insecure and a little immature, took note of that. The little elementary school aged girl in me said, "Oh, look! He must think I'm cute! He stopped while he was doing something important, and talked to me and only me!" I distinctly remember that day. From then on, I had a tiny crush that got bigger and bigger. It was literally like a drug. I craved attention, conversation, jokes, anything from him to get me that high. But, because the crush was growing secretly inside me, something else was dying inside me. I was feeling unbelievably guilty. Finally, six months after I admitted to myself that I had a crush, I confessed it to Graham and my best friend. It was so soothing. Because someone else knew, I had some accountability and I felt like I could change a little.

So, for the next year, I tried to change. I tried to avoid conversation and everything, but it was too hard to do on my own. I didn't really want to change, because I still could get that high from the perceived flirting, Facebook likes/comments, dirty jokes, etc. To really make a lasting change, you need inner motivation, but I couldn't muster the desire to change. It was too much. My spirit was suffocating inside me. I pulled farther away from God and His spirit because I didn't want to feel guilty for having feelings for someone else. I wasn't technically doing anything wrong... It was just a feeling!

And so, even though I was reading scriptures every day, my spirituality faltered and wilted inside me. I got to the point where I didn't care. No, I probably never would've had an affair had the opportunity presented itself, but I could see how people could do such horrible things to their loved ones. You get to the point where you don't care about anyone but yourself when you pull away from God and choosing the right. I never, ever thought of myself as being this kind of woman (and maybe you're reading this and think this yourself!).. One who professes to love their spouse and child(ren), but completely ignores that when they're not physically there. I felt so alone, which is what Satan wanted me to feel.. He wants you to feel isolated and horrible so that you will never change or turn from temptation. Again, this is why I'm writing about this. To let you, anyone, know that you're not alone.

Luckily, my life fell apart a year after I told Graham about my crush. My husband was struggling with failing school and lying to everyone about it right before my freaking eyes and I never even noticed because I was too wrapped up in my own stupid, selfish head. I don't feel any guilt for what choices Graham made, but I do feel bad that I failed to take note of the warning signs and questionable things he said/did. I want to wring my own neck when I think of how little I was present at home with my family during these times, and what I could have done to help my failing husband at home and school. So, with the changes in my life and the necessity to focus on my family, I was slowly able to change with lots of prayer. Over time, the crush started to fade. But really, it was sloooooow progress, because I am stubborn and ridiculous. This situation was one of the reasons why I was willing to forgive Graham and take him back.. I am not perfect, and truly, us two imperfect people belong together.

And the real kicker, other people found out about the crush.. and then it was all over with a big, embarrassing collapse. My secret became not so secret.. and it was pretty horrible. It's been a year and a half, and ugh... still not better.

You may think that you are immune and that this will never happen to you or your spouse.. and if so, you're lucky. If you're not so lucky and find yourself in the same boat.. Be careful about who you spend your time with. Be careful with your feelings. Yes, they are just feelings, but they can make you do stupid things, especially if you keep doing the stupid things day after day.. Be careful about your relationship with God. Avoid temptation in all forms. Talk to your spouse openly about your daily dealings (haha--the name of my blog!).

In other words--read the article. She says it better.

So, yeah. That is my life's deepest, darkest secret (maybe), and yet it is cleansing in a way to admit it openly. I was pretty open about my marital troubles and Graham's issues, but a little reluctant to speak out about my own.. mostly because I didn't want anyone else involved to lose their anonymity. But now, you.. friends, family, strangers, blog stalkers, you know.. And please, don't make the same mistakes I did!

Emotional Flashback

I apologize for the long absence. I've been suuuuper lazy. It's kind of exhausting to do this solo parenting thing with a new house and working full-time. When I put Carter to bed at 8:30 PM, I immediately go to bed. I might play on Instagram or Facebook after that, but that's it. Blogging hasn't been one of my top priorities.

Anyways, life hasn't been too interesting. I drop Carter off at daycare, I work, pick Carter up, work out, and sleep. That is my life.

I did have a flashback the other today to an event almost two years ago when Graham and I were separating. Carter and I were dropping off Graham at the ferry terminal that he was taking to Seattle. From there, he was going to take a Bolt Bus that goes straight from Seattle to Portland, to go live with his parents. I remember the bittersweet moment dropping him off at the ferry terminal, my eyes clouded by tears, saying, "I'll love you forever." At that moment, I didn't know if we'd ever be together again. It's one of the memories that'll forever live clearly in my mind.

When I was driving home from my sister's house in Seattle on Thursday, a Bolt bus passed me (the first one I've actually ever seen!), and I completely burst into tears. The feeling of despair and misery was so strong---it was like I was re-living the past all over again. I really never ever want to feel like that again.

But, the best thing about all of this.. Life isn't like that at all. I can't have a pity party or mourn the fact that bad things have happened to me. Life is good and I have no reason to despair.