What does your love story sound like?

Warning: I'm not a professional writer, and I've had an emotional 24 hours. Bear with me here.

If you were to tell your love story, would there be a specific tone or theme?

Would it be cynical, romantic, comedic, or something else entirely?

Starting out, I would have said our specific theme would be comedic. Graham and I are goofy and silly together. I also would have considered our love story to be romantic. We were and have been at multiple times in our lives completely wrapped up in each other. In our house, if you walk around the corner, you may still find us kissing or hugging each other just because we want to express our love. (We don't do this if we have guests--no need to fear. That would be awkward.)

After 12 years, our love story tone has been altered to add the all-important theme of forgiveness.

Some of you may have easy-to-tell love stories that are pretty smooth, ordinary, loving, but amazing all the same.

But if you know us well, our love story has been anything but smooth. All I wanted in life was to find someone to love and to take care of. I was realistic in my hopes and plans for marriage, knowing that things wouldn't be all roses and never-ending fun. However, I had no idea what I was in for.

You see, Graham has anxiety and depression, as well as some childhood stuff he's been dealing with. He goes through yearly cycles of being fine, making one small mistake, then things snowball from there. In these compromised thought and behavior patterns, he makes poor and illogical decisions that affect those around him.

What is it like to be married to someone with a mental illness? (This is a sensitive topic, I know. But if we don't share, how does it become NOT taboo?)

• I have been a support person and a victim to this behavior. 
• I have participated in multiple therapy sessions.
• I have some emotional PTSD. 
• I get mini panic attacks when one thing slightly out of the ordinary happens.
• I get paranoid when things are going well.
• I have trust issues.
• I have shed a lot of tears.
• I think "what tf were you thinking?" way more than I should.
• I am exhausted from having to be the stable one and carry that emotional load.
• I feel isolated and alone, and I have had moments of deep despair.
• I feel like I'm married to someone who's constantly trying to ruin their own life by making stupid decisions.
• I am waiting for the other shoe to drop... every day of my life.

I have cried during workouts and long car drives, said "I didn't sign up for this", prayed myself to sleep, whined "life isn't fair", and screamed into my pillow. I try to be understanding and forgiving, but I also wonder if I will ever reach the point of giving up.

When Graham and I got back together in 2013, I knew things could happen again. We decided to only have two kids because of the additional stress of the underlying anxiety/depression. I have a hole in my heart where my third child (a boy named Barrett) should be. I work full-time in case things ever go badly. I participate in retail therapy instead of discussing my feelings. I have hoped for the best and prepared for the worst.

This is an incredibly heavy post. If you know me well, I try to make things light-hearted most of the time. This isn't one of those times. I am also trying to open up a little and be more vulnerable. Being vulnerable and open about how I feel is something I never do. All of my life, I have joked around with people to prevent myself from really sharing myself with others. Recently though, I have been more cringingly (is that even a word?) open about how I feel, even though it makes me want to stick a fork in my eye. (Like if you're reading this, and I have told you that I like hanging out with you--I don't normally do that. I would much rather tease you or make fun of you than do that.) Anyways, I wish I could really share more, but it's not my story to tell. But, this IS my love story. And our love story still has yet to be finished.

Thanks for reading. I was going to do my fitness update, but my life was temporarily hijacked.

January Barre Challenge

I haven't blogged in a while, but yes, I am still alive. I have a final home building blog that I keep putting off posting. I'll post that within the next few weeks.

Anyways, a few weeks ago, I was thinking about what I should do to change up my workout routine. I have been doing my RIPPED workouts 4 days per week with 2 barre workouts per week. The workouts have kept me engaged and in shape. However, I was thinking of making a change to see if I could make a difference in my body.

So, in the middle of December I decided that I was going to do 1 full month of online barre workouts. I have tried Barre 3, Pure Barre, Bar Method, Physique 57, Suzanne Bowen, and Body Barre (they have videos on YouTube). I was carefully considering each option, thinking about price, style of workout, streaming options, etc. Physique 57 has one of the best online streaming options because it allows to make "mash-ups" of videos to customize your own workouts with shorter videos added on to each other. Suzanne is my favorite instructor for barre. Barre3 has a lot of support for challenges and mindfulness. Body Barre's YouTube videos are free.

Also, after I'd already decided to do my own barre challenge, my mom and husband surprised me with a wall ballet barre in my workout room. It was an awesome Christmas surprise!

Ultimately I decided to do Bar Method videos. I chose them based on 1 principle: they work and consult with Physical Therapists prior to adding certain exercises to routines. Some of the other barre workouts are faster and may have a little more cardio, but I appreciate the fact that Bar Method vets their exercises prior to implementing them in routines. I value safety and evidence-based practice more than just getting a "good workout". I did my first online Bar Method workout yesterday called "fire and ice" that focused on glutes and outer quads. My legs have not burned or shook that much in a long time. I have done Bar Method videos on and off for years, but this one KILLED me. It definitely convinced me that I made the right choice.

Because barre workouts don't burn as many calories as my normal RIPPED workouts, I plan to make sure to get at least 10,000 steps per day. I will also get back on my reduced calorie diet to get back on track with my weight loss. I have definitely taken a break over the past 2 months with my weight loss journey. I haven't stopped working out, but I have not been careful about nutrition at all. It just shows you that you can't exercise off an "unhealthy diet" (aka too many calories and too many desserts).

So, these are my guidelines for my own fitness challenge this month:
1) 6 barre workouts per week from Bar Method.
2) Get 10,000 steps per day.
3) Track calories in MyFitnessPal.
4) Take before and after pictures.
5) Do body measurements before and after.
6) Weigh myself weekly (NOT daily).

I will post about my progress halfway through and when I am done. I love barre workouts, and I look forward to seeing how my body changes!

Just Life

I know I have a couple of regulars who check here every now and then, but I don't really post that much. So, this one is for you! (And hello to some of you who may have wandered from my home building posts.) Warning: this is a pretty random post.

--Our lives are pretty stable right now. Carter is playing youth sports, Sadie is going to start her first dance lessons, and I'm still working full-time.

--Graham has been working hard on a project at work. In fact, he recently got a huge bonus for his hard work. He is applying for a new position that will allow him to work on this project long-term (fingers crossed).

--Yeah, that huge bonus I mentioned? Spent. We just bought Leaf Guard gutters. That is expenssssive. But, where we live with all the trees and rain--we needed them desperately.

--I'll do an update on our new house, but I do have one recommendation: don't get Samsung appliances. Our dishwasher was already replaced in less than one year.

--Social anxiety. Do you have it? I do, and always have. I could literally write a whole blog post about this...

Using technology makes it better, but I can sit and analyze every comment and text message that I have written for hours. I will also STILL cringe about things that I have said over a decade ago. I not only replay past conversations in my head, but I will constantly prepare myself for future conversations and think of multiple scenarios and possible things to say in every day life. It's mentally exhausting thinking of every thing a person might say and what I would say in response, but hey.. that's what social anxiety is to me.

--Does this give me mom butt? I bought a new pair of pants and literally stared at my butt in the mirror for about 10 minutes. Normally I can make up my mind pretty quick, but this pair of pants had me stumped. I had to wait until Graham got home to help me decide. Seeing that my age is creeping up closer to 40, I must avoid mom butt as much as possible.

--Workouts and exercise. I'm on the "don't miss a day" schedule. Even when I was sick, I got my butt up at 5:30 AM and exercised. It's one of the beauties of working out at home. I also did a barre-style workout one day at work. I thought it wouldn't be too noticeable, but I was freaking sweaty by the time I was done. I am feeling good because I can finally fit into my pre-Sadie pants (my pre-Carter pants are too big). I can also feel and see some good muscle changes happening in my legs, booty, and arms from adding more barre workouts in my life.

Anyways, here's my most recent progress pictures (comparing April to August):

Look, a little bit of muscle definition!

--Youth sports. Carter is playing soccer again. He is somewhat athletic, but he is not aggressive. He is learning some skills, but you can't teach someone how to be aggressive. I just don't foresee team sports like this in his future. We tried gymnastics, and while he is athletic and could hold a handstand longer than any boy or girl in the class, he could still barely do a cartwheel after 4-5 months. So, we will try taekwondo and maybe even rock climbing at the local Y when soccer is done...

--Lash extensions. I have had them sporadically in the past, but they cost too much to maintain. I love the convenience of waking up and looking good, but I didn't have the extra money to keep it up. However, this summer, I decided to try them again. I found a good deal on Groupon, and I've been getting them filled every 3 weeks. I love the length and look of them, but with my makeup addiction, I find them to be annoying. My eyeliner and eye shadow both get gunked up in the lashes. So, if you are an eye shadow addict like me, lash extensions may not be for you.

--Makeup. My purchases have slowed down a lot. I have too many eyeshadows to use them all in a realistic time frame. I keep up on my standard products, such as foundation, powders, etc, and I've invested in a couple more items that I love. If you want an update on my favorite makeup products, let me know.

Weight Loss Update

Whoa, we're halfway there.. whoa-oa, living on a prayer..

I really can't believe I just quoted Bon Jovi. My sister would understand my disgust.

Anyways, I have reached my halfway-there weight loss goal: 15 out of 30 pounds! I am 5 pounds down past my pre-Carter weight, but I am 5 pounds away from my pre-Sadie weight. However, I am still about 12 pounds to my lowest weight in 2013.

April 4th       vs    August 7th

Same

Today I finally passed the 15 pound mark! I'm now down 15.8 lbs over 4 months!

Once I get all the way there, I will be at my lowest weight since my freshman year of college.

I tell ya, it has sucked trying to lose weight. As a Registered Dietitian, I find it incredibly frustrating doing weight loss counseling with other people, and seriously I hate doing it with myself. It's a long-term game, slow moving, and takes a lot of mental and physical effort and commitment. There are no fast fixes to weight loss.. and if anyone tries to preach the keto diet to me, seriously go away.

This is what I'm doing to be successful:

1) Counting calories with MyFitnessPal. Yep. Weight Loss 101. Tracking your food can help you be more accountable and realistic. Whether or not you're trying to follow a specific way of eating (keto, whole-foods plant-based, Paleo, etc), it all comes down to energy in and energy out. BTW, I'm not citing sources on this one. I'm too lazy to do that, but there are plenty of other people that have done that.

2) Increasing my non-exercise activity thermogenesis (NEAT). Back at OHSU in 2007/2008, I had the pleasure of hearing a lecture by a renowned British researcher, James Levine, MD, PhD. He had a dry British sense of humor I loved, but his ideas about increasing non-exercise activity have always stuck with me. Currently, I walk during my work breaks, I dance with my kids (the Just Dance app is perfect for this), and I do a mini neighborhood walk after dinner every night. I use my Fitbit to track my steps, which is a huge motivating factor to me to keep moving.

3) Working out 6-7 days a week. Yes, 7 days a week sounds like a bit much, but 1 day is stretching or yoga. What I've started doing is stretching on Sundays as I've found that my muscles are way too tight. I've also started switching up my routine. I was doing 5 days of RIPPED workouts and 1 day of Barre-style workouts, but I wanted more specific muscle toning. Now, I'll be doing 4 days of RIPPED and 2 days of Barre (plus some additional cardio those days to burn more calories). I'll let you know if this change will help with my body composition and muscle toning.

4) Decreasing portion sizes, not making baked goods as much, and trying to increase protein at breakfast. I'm experimenting if increasing the size of my breakfast meal will help me eat less at lunch or dinner. We shall see, but it worked yesterday!

 Anyways, losing weight is hard. I wish it could be easier, but I believe that making small, simple changes can be sustainable over the long-term. I know I'll never be thin, I'll always have "man shoulders" from my dad and a soft stomach from becoming a mom, and my arms will never be small. This isn't negative self-talk, just my acceptance of my limitations. Going through pregnancy changed my body drastically and irreparably, but hey, at least my boobs like tripled in size! (Is that even appropriate to share here? Oh well.) One day, I just hope to be comfortable in my own skin. Oh, and I guess improving my health is a bonus as well.

Old-fashioned Family Update

Hello, my loyal readers (all three of you)!

I realized that I hardly ever do family and/or vacation stories or updates, so here you go.. Warning: this is a picture-heavy post,

Our big summer vacation this year: Utah and Idaho. Yeah, I know.. sounds lame. But, it's our longest road trip yet, and we decided to make the most out of it.

Carter's last official day of school was Friday, June 21st (it got pushed out from the Seattle Snowpocalypse days in February), but we had our nephew's wedding in Utah on the 21st.. so we literally drove alllll night through Washington, Idaho, and Utah to make it to the wedding. It didn't take nearly as long as we thought--we left at 4 PM on Thursday, and made it to Orem, UT by 6 AM (Mountain time), making it only as 13-hour drive. Apparently, the speed limit in Idaho on I-84 is 80 mph!! It was awesome, but I didn't feel safe going much over that in the dark on an unknown road.

We had every day packed full of visits with friends and family. I have one brother and Graham has one sister that live in Utah, so we made seeing them a priority. We had the wedding on Friday (btw, the Payson, UT, temple is amazingly beautiful), visits with my family and Graham's sister on Saturday, fun with cousins, 2nd cousins, and old friends on Sunday, visits with old college roommates and Graham's aunt and family on Monday, and we finally did some typical sightseeing in Salt Lake City at Temple Square with one last college friend visit in Utah before driving to Idaho.

Here are some pictures of our visits and activities. By the way, Carter now calls Utah the "cookie monster state" because of all the cookie places there. I totally agree. WTF Utah? How can you support a cookie place around every corner?

Not a bad random family photo. My mom usually cuts off our heads in the camera.

Just to get a scaled idea of how big and beautiful this temple is.

The happy couple!

Swig cookies--just kind of meh. I wasn't super impressed to be honest. Their soda mixes though--wow--I got the diet soda mix a couple different times, and all were delicious.

I'm officially a great-aunt now. How weird is that?

Graham and baby Brecken. Graham loves naps with babies.

Baby Autumn, who is the baby of Graham's "baby sister" Grace.

We hiked the Y. For those of us that live at low elevation, this is a tough hike at 4550 feet above sea level! Sadie did NOT want to walk or sit on shoulders, so Graham had a really tough hike.

We all lived in the same town from 2008-2011 when we were newlyweds and newly parents. Now in 2019, almost all of our old friends have moved out of our town.

Here's us gals in 2009 for our first "girl's night out". 

The guys. 

3 families worth of kids.

Kelley, Julane, and me in 2019. We were BYU roommates for two years. We all have two kids: one girl and one boy. How random is that? We haven't been all together since 2006. Kelley and I were friends and roommates in Portland after BYU.

Me, Julane, Kelley, and Tiffani in 2005. We totally look the same, right? Motherhood hasn't changed us a bit.

Sadie and Graham's aunt Cindy at the ranch.

The kids got to meet Graham's uncle's horses.

Temple Square

View from the Joseph Smith Memorial Building.

I love the big and ornate doors.

Shannon and I were friends and dorm mates in 2001-2002 (crazy long ago, right?).

We drove to Council, Idaho on Tuesday. Graham's grandma lives there. Population: ~800. What? You've never heard of it? Weird. Here it is..

There's obviously not much to do in Council, but really we just wanted to see Graham's sweet grandma. We hung out with cousins, played croquet (I'm not a fan), played horseshoes (I sucked, but not as bad as croquet), and relaxed.

On Thursday we made the windy road trip up Highway 95 to Coeur d'Alene (CDA). We were prepared to give the kids dramamine, which did help them sleep and not be as motion sick as last time we drove on Highway 95. The whole purpose of this trip was to end our longest road trip ever up at Silverwood (the biggest amusement park in the PNW). Graham has been dying to go for ages, so we finally decided to do it.

On Friday, we did some hiking around and swimming in lake CDA. I definitely did not put my head under--that's too cold for me. The lake was beautiful and the 2-mile hike at Tubbs Hill was perfect for our kids. We also saw Post Falls, ID, ate at a Cracker Barrel, and got some huckleberry ice cream.

Cracker Barrel had some games for us to play before we got our food.

Post Falls

More Post Falls

Other side of the falls.

Us hiking at the lake in sandals

They even had a mini suspension bridge

Sadie wasn't super interested in the water.

We spent Saturday at Silverwood. It was expensive, but was perfect for our age of kids. They had a LOT of kiddie rides, so Sadie went on the most rides of all of us. I rode the big roller coasters and had a lot of fun. One was freaking awesome, but I was scared to get motion sickness, so I closed my eyes until I felt the roller coaster slow down.. HAHAHA. That was right before it ricocheted backwards and upside down. Certain swear words came out of my mouth in that moment. We hung out with Graham's cousin and her family, so my kids got to meet more of their 2nd cousins. We didn't really enjoy the water park because we spent most of the time looking for Carter and his 2nd cousin, and I recovered from the roller coasters by laying in a inner tube on the ground. I got really dizzy in the lazy/crazy river. Yes that's right--it's ridiculous, but it only exacerbated my motion sickness from the roller coasters.

The infamous Aftershock roller coaster.

Before the roller coaster madness

Sadie and her second cousin.

Second cousins and giant scoops of ice cream. Perfect way to end the night.

The lines weren't long at Silverwood except for two rides: the ferris wheel and bumper boats. Carter had to ride on both of them, of course. It was at least a 30-60 minute wait for both.

Dinner in bed. I was so done with sleeping in the same room as my kids by this time.

Did I mention that the Iron Man was in CDA the same weekend? Some people asked us if we were there for that. I don't think I've laughed that hard in a long time. Graham last worked out in January...

The drive home was supposed to only be about 5 hours, but we had freaking traffic starting in Cle Elum, WA, before even getting to Snoqualmie Pass. Anyways, we had a great time with friends and family despite driving a million miles. Funny enough, Graham and I are about to drive back to Utah for another family wedding in 2 weeks. We are not bringing the kids this time, though. 

The drive home, armed with tablets, markers, coloring sheets, and gummy bears.

All in all, it was a great trip, and now we won't fear long road trips as much. Our kids were pretty good. We just accepted that passenger seat is now called the "slave seat" to serve our masters in the back seat. Sadie was the worst task master. Peace out Utah--until next time.